"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

jocelgp · Senior Member

peace then chaos (after the drink or craving), peace then chaos. is this the situation i'm suppose to accept?

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi there.... nobody says you have to accept the unacceptable..... I would encourage you to learn and grow in your recovery, and the right answers - for you - will become more clear.... You can order books online from many of the major bookstores..... Toby's site is also a great online help at www.gettingthemsober.com

Hope that helps...

Tom

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Jocelgp...good work for yourself using the internet alone!! We call what you're
going thru rollercoastering...up and down, up and down and the round and round is
the merry-go-round. I hated it also and was glad to have learned that I didn't need
to turn the compassion and forgiveness and understanding and love off and on and
dependent on what my alcoholic wife was doing or not. I can keep all of that in the
"on" position at all times for myself and others and therefore a part of my character.
I also learned to allow her the dignity of her choices...the good ones and the bad ones
and to see her as a Child of God -and- alcoholic. Yep at times a sick Child of God.
God loved her (and me) without condition so I had to learn how that was done also.

Gotta keep coming back to get this in the first place and then get it right.

(((((hugs))))) smile

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Hating yourself is what concerns me the most. I hope you find strength in the readings you find and whatever other alanon resources you get ahold of. You are going through a rough time as much as he is. This is where the saying "easy does it" comes in. These are some things that helped me: Deep breaths, take time to be good to yourself, be your own best friend....Hating yourself for a situation that was out of your control is not productive.

Tom made a good point about not accepting the unacceptable...Also, another important concept is to stay in today. This is a saying I thought was hokey and stupid when I first entered into recovery, but I like it now: If you have one hand reaching for the future and one in the past, what do you have left to seize today?

This is all a day at a time. If at the end of the day, if you did the best you could for you...it was a good day.

Also, just based on my experience as a recovering alcoholic....It took me several months to stop having radical mood swings. I can't say what will be the case for him, but I do know that mood swings are so common in early sobriety that many alcoholics and addicts get mislabeled as bipolar early on (some actually are bipolar...but most arent).

In support,

Mark

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

No, there's absolutely no reason you should accept the unacceptable. There are two ways to transform the situation. One is to learn about "detaching with love" and staying in the relationship. This requires a lot of learning and a lot of practice but many people have made it work for them. It involves not letting the alcoholic's chaos change your mood or ruin your day. You don't pretend to be okay with it; you actually are able to live a serene and content life with the alcoholic still in it. So he would be going on with his chaos but you would be unaffected. The second way is to separate from the alcoholic. Many people find that that's the best way to maintain their serenity, and that the chaos of the alcoholic is just too overwhelming to be around.

There is no one right way. Al-Anon does not advocate for one over the other. What we learn to do is to understand alcoholism and the process of detachment, to work on our own recovery, and to make the wisest choices for our situation.

Read all you can on these boards, and the other materials such as Getting Them Sober. There are also meetings here online. When you've learned more the choices should become clearer. But rest assured that the future does not have to be like the present.

danielle0516 · Senior Member

pinkchip wrote:
If you have one hand reaching for the future and one in the past, what do you have left to seize today?

I like that saying.

Living with active addiction - it changes us, transforms us, and in many ways, we become as sick as the addict.
I know, at least before I found Alanon, I became just as preoccupied and obsessed with my alcoholic husband as he was with his booze. I used to have my own life, I was this fun loving, independent, person who hung with her friends, did things with my daughter, was involved in teams, took classes, ect... then, it all came crashing down around me, my whole world.
I dropped everything and all I could manage to do was figure out what the alcoholic was up to. I lost my life and became someone I no longer recognized. Don't beat yourself up, dealing with this, living with it, is hard and way more than most can handle.
No, you do not need to accept the peace then chaos vicious cycle - regardless of what the addict is up to, you can find peace for YOURSELF and finding that is different for everyone.
Best of luck,
Danielle

jocelgp · Senior Member

thank you so much for all your support. God Bless!

ClippedWings · Member

The Peace then Chaos rollercoaster you describe is one I spent 13 years of marriage on. I truly get what that feels like, as do many of the voices you'll find here. I'm so thankful you found this place, and pray you continue to seek the help you need. I was so convinced for so long that my life would become "normal" again - bacause I wasn't ALWAYS crazy - when my husband decided to put down the bottle for the last time. Thing is, I hadn't realized what riding that coaster for so long had done to me. - Ever been on a ride at an amusement park, and when you got off, you couldn't walk straight?? Still a little risidual dizziness?? Kind of reminds me of what it's like for me when my AH is maintaining sobriety. Although I'm just beginning my own healing process, I would be much happier today if I had recognized what was happening to me sooner. The best $16 I've ever spent on myself was in the form of Life Transforming Literature. Codependent No More - by Melody Beattie is helping me to recognize where I am, and what I need. - Best of Luck to you as you seek to find what you need an I Hope you keep us posted on your progress... ((Hugs))

jocelgp · Senior Member

Hello everyone,

It's already 2016. As I was looking for more Al-anon materials in the internet I came across this Step Work Board logo which seemed familiar. I tried checking the website, logged-in (tried my luck w/ my usual credentials) and I was amazed to find out that I was already here in 2011. Wow, I realized it took me 5 years to understand what Al-anon has been telling me. So I guess the journey to get myself healed started way long ago but started attending to it just this year on a daily basis. Anyways, I'd like to let you know that I'm a work in progress. Though there's still no f2f meeting in my place, I am using all available options. I'm now working on my steps. Thank you so much and God Bless us all.

jocelgp

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

So happy you found us again--Welcome Back-- aww Please do keep coming back .

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"