The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This is my first time here, my first time "talking" about this. I feel like an idiot because I don't know. He says everyone drinks this much. My friends and I don't.
Sorry this is soooo long but I'm so happy to finally find someplace to ask. I don't even know where to start since there is so much crap...
I think he has a drinking problem, he says he does not. He says all the other guys at work drink more often than he does and their wives don't complain, but I make everything drama. We are having problems because he feels angry at me over the premature birth and then death of our child and tells me he blames me. When it happened (2 1/2 yrs ago)he was so supportive and when I blamed myself said it wasn't my fault and for a year after we were so close, he said he felt closer to me than ever. Our new baby is now 18 months and he hates everyone and everything that is not his job/coworkers because that's where the drinking and good times are. He took out a $6,000 loan behind my back. I think there are a lot of issues over his being adopted and with his mother with money.
He doesn't drink every day, he doesn't miss work (although I'm sure he has back in his single days) 5 years ago when we met we would go out for dinner and then drinking after. I was 24 years old then. I only had one child when I met him. We've gotten married, bought a house, had a baby and I'm expecting another one and it just occurred to me that his behavior does not feel normal. He would go out drinking at LEAST once a week if I didn't have a problem with it. A few times he has agreed to not drink until we get more into marriage counseling (we've only gone once). One night he called me (after calling me 2hrs before and telling me to feed the kids but wait and he and I would eat together and then play cards) and then said he was working late, going to do a double shift. When I called him at like 2 in the morning he was getting drunk with a friend who he hadn't seen in a while (big boozer himself). When I reminded him of our agreement he said what's the big deal, it's only because I haven't seen so and so in a long time. 10 times out of 10, in this case I will break that deal he said. Two weeks ago he said he was an angry drunk and he couldn't hang out with the guys without drinking because they make fun of him. So, no drinking or hanging out until at least some marriage counseling under our belt. Saturday, he is in New Orleans, for his work, helping the Katrina victims. We spoke Saturday and his boss came and called to him, he said I have to run call you back in a few minutes. He didn't and I was worried called 2 hours later and he was in a bar that was open. He wanted to know why I had to call and ruin his good time. Sunday he had 3 bears (according to him) while watching football, would have had more I'm sure but had to keep dealing w/ work issues. I starting having cramps this morning, around 5 and called him about 5:30, figuring he would have funny stories and it would get my mind off of it. When he answered the phone, he was slurring, in a person's house in new orleans that he had met while working with a couple of his co workers, some military guys and some cops. He was supposed to be working and was in a company car in company clothing and would very easily loose his job. He had no problem doing this, he thought the problem was me and wanted to know WHY I WAS CALLING HIM AT 5:30 IN THE MORNING?
He said it's not that he has a drinking problem but he LIKES to drink, it makes him happy, helps him forget his problems, his miserable life for a while, he just wants to have be normal like all the other guys. He says I am the problem because I won't leave him alone. When he's home I don't think he drinks this much because he knows I don't like it but every 2-4 weeks he will just blow off me and the kids and stay out drinking. He'll drive home 2 hours and when he gets here he's banging into things and I'll be talking about his drinking and he answering me with something off the wall, like how they would categorize something at work and he thinks it makes sense in our discussion??? He then gets mad at me when I don't understand. When I tell him to just go out after work, watch a game have a few beers, then stop drinking for a couple of hours, have something to eat, some soda, etc. He says he shouldn't have to, he should be able to drink what he wants and then just sleep in work!
He's terrible at managing money, took out that $6,000 loan behind my back, borrowed money from his mother but I don't know if he's got a drinking problem of if he's just depressed or both, if he's just bad with money. He's not good a making friends, can't walk into a social situation and meet someone and chat with them unless he's drinking and then he's a very friendly guy. He's adopted, his mother was always very controlling, especially w/ money so I don't know.
A couple of weeks seems to be a long time to go without drinking if he has a problem but now that he's not home he doesn't go a couple of weeks. He goes to work but only wants to hang out w/ the guys that he works with and although I'm sure there are devoted family guys there, he only wants to hang out with the guys who go out drinking. I told him he sets it up where the only social invitations he gets don't involve family things but drinking.
We started with a marriage counselor and I mentioned in my solo session w/ him that I think he may have depression problems but the counselor didn't say a thing when I said that. I don't want to say he has a drinking problem and he doesn't and I seem like I overreact.
Is he an alcoholic? Is the drinking causing the depression or the depression causing the drinking? I don't know where I should look for help first. I sometimes think if one got fixed the other would resolve it's self. He went to a doctor who gave him Prozac, he said he didn't need it and it didn't help and he stopped after 2 months or so.
Hello looking , well it really dosen't matter if he is or isn't , what matters is that his drinking is causing u a problem and Al-Anon will help put things is perspective for you. As to blaming you for the death of your child that is just plain cruel, I too lost a child at 3 weeks old and I had problems blamming myself would never have made it if Hubby did that too. Don't accept the blame it's not yours to carry.
Please wrap up that baby and find some meetings for yourself , you need to get your l ife back on track you are not the reason he drinks , regardless of what he says. A 's need to blame someone else then they don't have to take responsibility for thier behavior.
As to the mother in law , let it go when baby smiles at her she will melt. hopefully.
Please find meetings for yourself u need support from people who understand how your feeling and have been where your at. good luck Louise
thank you, I try not to let the stuff about the baby upset me. I did the best I could. Nobody misses him like I do.
His drinking is causing me a problem but I just worry that because my dad was a big drinker I'm overyl sensitive. He has me sometimes thinking am I making a big deal over nothing? When is it too much etc. What is the difference between hanging out with the guys and having fun and abusing it? Seriously, he's in his mid 30's and we have 2 kids, one is mine from a previous relationship and he acts like he's still in college. He's got me thinking it's me but it just doesn't feel right....
Your posting sounds so familiar... About 3 years ago, I went to a counselor to ask those same questions. Am I making a big deal over nothing.. ?? Is it because I dont drink that I dont understand ? My husband doesnt drink every night and his friends and co workers are mostly big drinkers ( hes a firefighter ) and his job is stressful.. I have heard it all.. If you didnt b.... so much i wouldnt drink so much.. and so on.. then I found this site and quickly learned the 3 Cs .. I didnt cause it I cant control it I cant cure it. It is all up to him.. Keep posting, Keep reading.. I am new to Alanon but have learned a lot in a very short period of time. It is a road of recovery not a destination..
Someone once told me, if his drinking is causing a problem and he isnt willing to stop. It ususally means there is a problem.. I bought a book about 3 years ago called "Alcohol Abuse, Straight talk and straight answers " by pippa sales.. I would encourage you to purchase that book It helped a great deal..
What we say here, is that if it is a problem for you, then it's a problem. You aren't happy with your life as it is, maybe this program can help. Read through the old posts, get some of our literature ( you can buy it through this site, or get it from amazon or ebay, or get in touch with your local alanon, they will have books and pamphlets to sell or lend you, or even borrow books from the library), and see if anything anyone here has to say is helpful to you. When I met my husband, I was working in a bar, he was a customer. He wasn't any heavier a drinker than any of the other regulars. It was only years later, as we had kids and I settled down and he didn't, that I realized that there was a problem. Once I realized it, I could see there was a problem long before that, I just hadn't recognized it. The blaming behaviour you talk about, is very common for alcoholics. They will find a way to make everything your fault, in order to take your attention off of the problem, which is that their behaviour is causing you pain. Here at alanon, we don't learn how to make them stop the behaviour (can't be done) instead we help YOU learn how to stop the pain. There's not much point in counting drinks or days between drinks, or anything like that. The point is that your marriage is in trouble, over his drinking.
I don't know of too many alcoholics, particularly in the earlier stages, who admit readily that they have a problem.... What you have described is NOT so-called "normal drinking", and his behaviors are eerily consistent with alcoholism and/or problem drinking.... The issue is - HE needs to figure that out, and won't likely listen to you... In fact, the more you try to convince him of this, the more likely he is to deny, lie, and avoid it at all costs...
Al-Anon is the solution.... for YOU. You really can't do an awful lot of good for him - but Al-Anon will help you learn to take care of you, and to stop taking on HIS responsibilities.... It is a long, hard process, but you have made an important first step by posting here, and I would encourage you to read books on the subject, share here, and find yourself a live Al-Anon meeting in your area (if you feel safe in doing so).
Alcoholism is a progressive disease, so he will likely get worse, before he gets better.... This is the time for you to learn, and to take care of you.
Take care
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I am in very much the same kind of place that you are. I just signed in to this website a few days ago. My husband and I have not been together as you and yours, but he seems to say alot of the same things! I have had 5 miscarriages since we have been to gether. I have 2 children from a previous marriage and he has one. He leaves me all the time with all the responsibility because he wants to go play. He is 34 and his "best friends" are in their mid-twenties. He too says he wants to be "normal" like all the other guys in East Texas. He just wants to be able to drink. My husband has one difference--he knows he has a problem. Sometimes he feels like working the program and sometimes he doesn't.
Hang in there girl! Maybe one day he will come to value what he has and will want to keep it. In the meantime, do what all of these wonderful people are telling you. Worry about you! Take care of you! Know that you are not to blame! Come back here for understanding from others and a bit of sanity.
I'm an alcoholic 2 years in recovery. I know I denied my problem to everyone including my wife because my disease did not want me to stop drinking. Denial is not an optional part of this disease. I used to make comparisons to everyone else who drank like me or drank more than me to convince myself that I was 'normal' I also suffered from depression and wondered if the alcoholism causes depression or the depression causes alcoholism. Now I realize it doesn't matter, I'm a real alcoholic and need to address that problem or NOTHING else in my life matters.
Try to understand that the behavior of an alcoholic is caused by a disease. It will not go away on its own. It is like diabetes in that it will not go away, but first must be recognized and then it can be treated to make it possible to live with. Lean as much about the disease as you can and if you love your husband realize he is sick and this is the cause of his insane behavior.
Thank you all for the info and if anyone has anymore keep it coming :) I did not answer the phone that day or the next. Shut the machine off so I would not be tempted to pick up when he either sounded sad or said something that ticked me off. Well, he called early the next morning and said he wanted to check on the kids. I wanted to make a snotty comment about all of a sudden he cares but when he is risking his job and thereby the kid's home he doesn't but.. I DIDN'T. I said they're fine is that all? He said he was sorry and I asked him what specifically he was sorry about. He said the big fight. I said don't be sorry be different. I said we will have the same problem again in two weeks or a month because IF NOTHING CHANGES, NOTHING CHANGES (picked that up reading the other posts and I love it) He said you're right, so I won't say anything else, I'll have to do something. I told him I would not fight, debate, argue or get upset over his drinking anymore. Told him from the outside looking at him I thought he had a drinking problem, maybe not a full blown alcoholic YET but heading in that direction quicklyll. I said I am not saying that to get back at you, put you down, make you feel bad. I am saying it because I love you and I want you to get better but it doesn't really matter what I want because YOU have to want it and I can find you a place to get help when you are ready. I then got off the phone and have only had brief conversations with him since then.
Today is his birthday and his last day in New Orleands area. I am of course worried that he will use it as an excuse to get drunk and I told him that. He said they have the day off and will be staying in the room playing cards, I said if you're going to be doing something that will annoy me if I call in the middle of it (drinking, gambling) call the kids and say goodnight first so I won't have to call and ruin my night. That's it, didn't say don't do it, etc.
My mother in law did a complete turn around yesterday after telling me she agreed with me that SOMETHING was wrong, that's because he threw her a bone and called and sweet talked her for 10 minutes yesterday. I'll post more on that later as I could use some info on dealing with HER.
Right now I am taking my son to his soccer game and on the advice of the wonderful people in the chat room the other night (thank you again!) I am then going to take care of me. So I do not sit around and worry about what he is or isn't doing today, I am leaving the kids with my mom who is staying with me while he is away and I will be have a facial, manicure and pedicure today. I also made an appointment for a massage tomorrow.
Thanks all for listening and Uncle Lou I appreciate your point of view, it's nice to hear I'm not crazy from the other side. THANKS!
