The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
When my alcoholic husband walked out on me, i felt like i had lost it all. My step-daughters were gone and my son and I had to adjust to going from a family of 5 to just us. The only thing i had left to work for was my son and our home. Outside of that, I was empty. For years, I have struggled both financially and emotionally to hold it all together. holding it together made me feel like a survivor. I was okay as long as I could make it on my own. Tonight, i sit in the same chair that I have sat in for 10 years and look at the boxes that are filling up with our belongings. Two rooms of the house are empty. I'll start on the third room tomorrow. The new tenants that I will be renting our home to will be here Sept. 28th. We have 2 weeks to pack, sell, and give away whats left of our life. I moved all of my son's furniture out today and tried not to cry in front of him but the tears wouldn't stop. i try so hard not to cry in front of him. But am I teaching him a valuable lesson? Will he grow up one day and remember? And if he remembers, will he realize the sacrifices that i had to make and then want better for his life? I am trying so hard to look at this as an investment. As a new opportunity to make a better life for my son and I. I know that I am making the right decision. For once in my life, I am making the RIGHT choice. But why do I feel like such a failure? Not a survivor anymore. I failed. I couldn't hold it all together. Couldn't stand on my own. This is honestly the hardest thing I've ever done. I should be so excited about the second chance...but I love my home. I brought my baby home from the hospital to this house. I have loved and lost in this house. I worked SO DAMN HARD for this house!!! I guess God has another plan for me once again. But once again, it hurts so bad.
You certainly did not fail! You closed a chapter of your life and are starting to write the next one. Yes, this is an investment in you future, not just for you son, but for yourself as well. I know it is difficult. I met with my attorney this week and he said that we are fighting to keep the house. I love the house. I, too, brought my daughter home from the hospital in that house. I figured that was the price of freedom. You are very brave and very strong. My thoughts are with you.
You are anything but a failure. You had the courage to move on and hold it together when most would have collapsed under the pressure. Change is so hard and even though we know that houses are just house and that it is people who make it a home it is so hard to let go. I fear this everyday but to hear you courage even through your sorrow. You inspire me and I will pray for you. Be brave, God does have great things in store for you if you can be patient.
I had to respond when I read your question about "will my son know the sacrifices I made?" I have four sons, when I kicked their alcoholic abusive father out, we had been married almost 14 years. I had to go to food banks, worked hard long hours, etc. I didn't get any support, the A wouldn't work. I asked myself the same questions over and over. I was a renter so I didn't have a house of my own. A couple of years ago for Christmas my oldest son gave me a framed poem.......I cried when I read it...it is entitled "now that I'm older" it recognizes all the sacrifices I made for those boys during the hard years. Hang in there.
You aren't a failure at all.... your marriage failed, but that is a separate issue altogether..... Sounds to me like you ARE making the best decision, for you and your son, and that is a huge positive for you....
I would like to share a different perspective, that happened with a recovery friend of mine, that might help answer your question of "what message are we sending to our kids".
This lady had the typical struggles with an abusive and angry alcoholic.... He wasn't typically physically abusive, but was mean and angry to her and their kids when he was drinking, and often when he was hung over.... She stayed, for many years, for the "sake of the family", feeling that the message she was sending, AND wanted to send, that perseverance and loyalty are traits one should uphold.
Her kids are both grown now, and she has an awesome relationship with them both.... Her daughter, who is in university and doing well, told her Mom:
"the message you showed me is that it is acceptable to put up with unacceptable behavior. Dad was atrocious to us when he was drinking, and the main message I got was to 'turn the other cheek'. I am proud of you NOW, for getting on with your life, but wish you had taken action back then"
I will always remember this one, as it was a lesson for me as well.... I am not implying that any of us should stay or should go, but it just brings a perspective of exactly what type of message, our actions (or inactions) are showing our kids.
I wish you all the peace and serenity
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
First of all it isn't failure. It wasn't meant to be. Sometimes no matter how hard people try, it just isn't suppose to be.
How on earth did you fail? You had the courage to take you and your children out of bad situation. I know all the change hurts.
My A left his family behind almost exactly a year ago. He left an abusive situation. His ex sold everything on him. His children won't speak to him because he couldn't stick it out. He may be an alcoholic, but that's no excuse for the ex to physically abuse him.
I always remind him, that despite the fact that he ended up in the hospital in an alcholic haze (to the point where he swallowed too many BP pills) and nearly died, he didn't leave his family behind in order to die. He left to live. That's the difference.
You're leaving your old life behind because if you stayed - you might die (be it emotionally or physically). You're leaving your old life behind because: YOU WANT TO LIVE.
You are a survivor and your children will be too. Give them time and yourself time. Yes, it's going to hurt. That's okay. (It may suck at the time.) But that's how we heal. Time does help. I've never lost a husband, but I've lost so many people I know that feeling of being utterly alone. Know what I've learned? That in time, you'll learn how to handle the bad days. There is always hope. I look at my A now, and how he's learned to deal with the hurt of losing his children (and they're adults) without taking a drink. If you told me that was possible a year ago, I would have said no way.
One small step at a time. What's the saying? A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. You are on an incredible journey now. Hard though it may seem and be at times. Enjoy it. You're getting a second chance. Not many peope are that lucky.
Keep coming back to us. We love you.
Live strong, Karilynn
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
mandi>>> But why do I feel like such a failure? Not a survivor anymore. I failed. I couldn't hold it all together. Couldn't stand on my own. This is honestly the hardest thing I've ever done. I should be so excited about the second chance...but I love my home. I brought my baby home from the hospital to this house. I have loved and lost in this house. I worked SO DAMN HARD for this house!!! I guess God has another plan for me once again. But once again, it hurts so bad.
rosie>>>>> i don't see you as a failure, i see you as a sucess, because you ahd the guts to take care of you and start a new life.....remember the 3 C's......i didn't CAUSE another's actions....i couldn't CONTROL that person .....i fefenitely cannot /could not CURE that person's actions.......2nd chances are scary to me too....the unknown, the *whats gonna happen now??* but i just do what i can to take care of me and release the karma , let the universal energy work on it....cuz i detached.....i am so sorry this happened to you.....losing your marriage/ step kids/ house is a TON of crap to go through..and yeah, its ok, to feel pain....i feel the feelings, than i take care of me and look at the solution.....that time between the sucky part and the new time can be a real trial......thank god for this program......hang in there, and good luck/ rosie
