The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm in need of some help here. I'm divorced with two boys and dad is an alcoholic. I'm dealing with a whole bunch of issues that I just don't even know where to start except with the most current I guess. I searched out a message board as my area doesn't offer much. My ex just went to court last Fri. for 3rd Offense DUI, Refusal to submit, and DUS on a not yet reinstated license to which he plead not guilty. He then went to the bar is what I heard through the grape vine.
All of his family lives 150 miles from here and quite frankly, they have all had it with him. He's burnt all bridges with those here where we live. He makes promises to the boys and never keeps them. The boys are 14 & 6. The oldest will hardly talk to him and the youngest hangs on every word he says. He is currently living at the local shelter. He calls or stops by when he feels like it or doesn't. I've asked him numerous times to sit down with me and let's set a schedule for the boys' sake. He won't commit to one. He's thrown our household into a frenzy. I'm at my wits end what to do or where to start. I can't even hardly get my thoughts together here to type and have it come out making any sense.
We were married for nearly 8 years and in all together about 10. He called one night a (Dec. 03) from jail - DUI (2nd offense) - I let him sit. Then on New Year's (Jan. 04) he came home drunk, which led to an arguement, he grabbed my by the neck, threw me across the room. I filed to have him removed from the house and for divorce the following Monday. All this time later, and he's still lying, manipulating, etc.
It sound like you have made a really good start, I can't tell you what will solve all your problems or even what to do. I can just tell you, you are not alone. It is so hard to deal with this on our own and most people do not understand.
The only advise I can give is to continue to take care of you and the two kids. If you work this program it does help. I worked this program very hard when I first came here and although there where slips and mistakes big changes happened in my life. I recently slipped pretty big. But coming back here starts to make it easier to breathe. There are so many people here that understand.
My a is also working on his 3rd DWI, in our state he needs to be sober for 3 years in order to qualify to get his license back. He hasn't been sober 1 day, not really. He lives at home with me and is a non violent drunk so I haven't dealt with that. I admire your courage to remove him from your home and your life the best you could. Unfortunetly most of us come here to learn to deal with our a, and it takes a very long time for it to sink in that we need to first learn to deal with ourselves.
Keep coming back you are worth it. And vent away, it doesn't matter if it makes sense, just that you get that release.
Daphyne you have shown remarkable courage in the face of a truly bad situation. Keep up the good work. I know it can be consuming of you patience and even your spirit if you allow it to be, but not if you stand tall and stick to your life's plan. Taking care of you and your dear children is your clearly defined goal. Hang in there. Let his HP take care of him. Come back often and know that you are in the prayers and positive thoughts of everyone here.
Best wishes, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Welcome. You will find the board and the people here so helpful. Sometimes just reading the board makes me realize that I am not alone. Read alot! About the disease and about Alanon! Read Alot! I have learned so much about myself and about my A. Hang in there, treat yourself good! Take care of your children and yourself. Soon you will feel empowered.
Very tough stuff D, but I would simply encourage you to love your boys, and show them this love and security. Don't cover up for their Dad's behavior, and don't bad mouth him in front of them.... Let him own their relationship with the boys. If he fails them - tell them you love them, and are safe. It's truly all you can do.
Don't get into rationalizing his no-shows, even with your 6-year old. I guess it's appropriate to have "back-up" plans in place, assuming that he won't show.....
You are responsible for your relationship with your boys, and nobody else's. From the sounds of it, you are doing an excellent job with that..
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Thanks for the welcome and words of encouragement. There is so much history between my ex and I and I often find that he tries to manipulate or make me feel guilty. For instance, right now, he's living in the local shelter. He tries to make me feel sorry for him as he has no money, is incredibly in debt due to his drinking and gambling and horrifically behind in child support and therefore can't afford housing, etc. Okay, not my problem. He's the one who made the choice to rack up credit card debt to support his drinking and gambling of which over $5,000 over it I got stuck for from the divorce (I was thankful it was only $5,000!)
I find myself at times very angry with him and his lack of responsibility. I try to be civil but there are days when that is very tough. I don't talk badly about him around or near the boys as I find that to be very inappropriate. I figure that they'll will soon form their own opinions - they don't need my two cents worth!
Are there any books, etc. that any of you can suggest reading that might be helpful? I currently have the youngest visiting the school counselor. This just started this week and I'm really hoping that it will help him. He's so frustrated right now. The oldest has frequent visits with the Youth Director at the church and this seems to help alot. Guess I popped in here because I'm finding that I need somewhere to turn to for me.
Although it is not an alanon book as such, many of us have found "Getting them sober" (don't let the title fool you, it's about US, not them) by TOBY RICE DREWS to be full of useful tips and knowledge. For information about alanon, personal stories, and discussion of the twelve steps, you could try "Alanon family Groups" and "In all out affairs". If you grew up in an alcoholic home "From Survivial to Recovery" is great. "Courage to Change" and "One Day at a Time in alanon" are both inspiring books, with a small reading for every day. I live in an isolated area, very small town. We have one meeting a week, if I want to go to more, I need to drive 70 kilometers to the nearest. If you check the meeting lists, you may find something near you. I often find that people from small towns don't want to go to face to face meetings, not because the meetings don't exist, but because they are scared that they will meet someone they know. Well, chances are, in a small enough town, you will meet someone you know at a meeting. This actually ends up being a good thing, it really shows that you are not alone. The support from f2f really is tremendous, if there is any way of getting there, please give it a try. They are also a good way to get the Literature, many meetings will lend it to you, and they all will have some to buy. You can also buy it online, through this site or through amazon or ebay, or borrow it from the library ( another act of courage in a small town!) Welcome, this is the right place for you. You have already shown such courage by leaving the marriage, here you can learn not to let him have such power over you.
