SEPTEMBER 12
>Healing
>
>We should learn not to grow impatient with the slow
>healing process of time. We should discipline ourselves
>to recognize that there are many steps to be taken along
>the highway leading from sorrow to renewed serenity....
>

#######ROSIE>>>> oh i was at first,  but now i know i cannot *force* god/time/process>>>its gonna go at its own speed and it will be right>>>>yep, and mine was a big 12 lane super highway to boot>>>but i am walking it ,  bit by bit,  one foot in front of the other,  going along,  and like the tortoise and the hare,  i will get there

We should anticipate these stages in our emotional
>convalescence: unbearable pain, poignant grief, empty
>days, resistance to consolation, disinterestedness in
>life, gradually giving way... to the new weaving of a
>pattern of action and the acceptance of the irresistible
>challenge of life.

######ROSIE>>>>oh for me, i can tell you the DATES on which i had my 2 worst meltdowns....jun 4th 2004  and the WORST one of all of them was on  oct. 22nd 2004>>>the pain began deep within , like the first one,  and THIS time it  radiated out through my pores>>>>>i remember lying on my back,  weeping and sobbing and pleading with God,  "why can't i love me like you do??" >>>>i  *howled*  in pain,  like a creature  in its death throes, howling/ keening,  i could hear my *own*  terrifying sounds comming from the inner most part of me gushing from my throat!! >>>>i'll never forget it as long as i live!!! the grief layers had begun!!!  and i was alone at the time!!!!   next day i got up and i literally felt like i had  had an *out of body experience*  my legs were weak,  i felt like i had *bled out* from my spirit>>> and i had to play a tennis match in doubles that night>>>>>> i showed up, and my partner was as sick (for other reasons)  as i was!!!  we still gave them hell,  but lost it!!!  i could hardly stand on my feet during my serves>>i thought i was going to pass out i was SO exhausted from 14 hours straight crying/ sobbing/ howling!!!   the days and months afterwards would see more *melt downs*  but they were predicatable, and they were less and less frequent and less and less intense!! i could always tell when i had *one comming on*>>>the urge to *curl up in my bed and cleanse myself would come on*  and there were times , i had to *make an appointment with myself*   to cleanse later!!!    and people WONDER,   WHY i hated  my perp so much>>>>> well?? now??  i DECIDED to replace the hate for that freak  with love for me>>>>like pouring clean water in a bucket full of dirty/rancid water>>>>eventually the clean water takes over and replaces the bad!!!!

Recovery is a process. It is a gradual process, a healing
>process, and a spiritual process - a journey rather than a
>destination.
>
>

#####ROSIE>>>>yep, and i think i know why!!!  this shit is SO intense,  SO draining, SO demanding of my energy/ resources/ strength, that to do it TOO fast,  may put me in shock!!!  i thought about it>>>God is being merciful feeding me this *metamorphis*  in increments>>>>to do anything faster,  i know i would go into shock!! my nervous system would not be able to take it>>>>i remember seeing a  beautiful tarantula spider lying on its back  *molting*!!   as it lay on its back,  the intense/ demanding/ yet so precise process of nature,  shedding its entire skin!! leaving an outter shell of itself>>a virtual layer / an old *likeness* of its real self>>>>after the process the spider lay there, exhausted, vulnerable, new skin so delicate a slight touch may kill it>>>>finally after a long rest, it *gingerly*  got up, and using all this remaining strength it walked away>>>>> i felt very much like that spider did>>>>when i would come  out of my *molting* stages,  shedding off these old layers that the perp put on me,  i would be so exhausted, there were times that soon as i got home from work, i would need to go to bed, and have maybe 12 hours of sleep to get through the next day>>>>>like the tarantula, my *molting* stages were frequent in the *youngest days of my recovery*  >>>now as i get *older*  i need to  *molt*  less and less,  and i can  *get up and walk away*  a bit faster>>>>but make no mistate!!!!  it was HELL!!!!!   but productive and necessary!!

Just as codependency takes on a life of its own and is
>progressive, so recovery progresses. One thing leads to
>another and things - as well as us - get better.
>
>######ROSIE>>>>>i just put one foot in front of the other>>>>it took me a while to get this sick,  this messed up,  i must be patient with myself  in that it is going to take a while to put me back together again>>>>>.the GOOD news is this!!!  if the perp can mess me up with his  *hit and miss* evil,  just THINK of the GOOD my *Christ within* and i can do with  my   dedicated/concerted/diligent/ernest  love and nurturing of me!!!   i already won!!!!  by comming here!!!  by DECIDING to work the steps and doing the grunt work while my higher power does the rest>>>>i AM getting better each day

We can relax, do our part, and let the rest happen.
>------
>

#####ROSIE>>>>yep,  do what i can do and  i decide to just have *blind faith that God and the process are working-- whether or not i feel it-- its there---workiing!!*

Today, I will trust this process and this journey that I
>have undertaken.
>
######ROSIE>>>>>at first there was NO trust in my heart for ANYthing>>>>but my willingness  my openess   my willingness to take on a diferent perception of myself, God, Life  has carried me through my *agnostic*  period!!!!  i was WILLING,   i AM progressing!!!!!   thank you,   done...rosie