The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I could use some help with how to set boundries. I am at the point where I know that I need to start setting boundries. I have even started a list of the boundries I want to start setting. I'm just at a loss as to how to start setting them.
I know I cant set them when my A has been drinking, and that is every night! But yesterday he wasn't bad so I feel like I can't set them when he is good. So that leaves me when?????
I'm also not sure how to bring up the topic?
I know that this is my next step to some sanity, which can be very limited! I just am totally befuddled.
If anyone can pass on some thoughts I would greatly appreciate it.
You are right; he needs to be sober and in a receptive mood. Then just tell him you need to discuss with him how you plan to help yourself deal with his alcoholism. "Here are the boundaries." Easier said than done I know, but you don't want to beat aroound the bush. If his mood then turns sour, so be it. At least he knows the boundaries. Don't line them out if you don't plan to stick with them. Good luck, Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Sandie, I told my husband of my boundaries on a Saturday morning, when he was sober. I didn't tell him all of them, just the ones that concerned him. The other boundaries are my personal mental boundaries. When we make boundaries, we must be willing to follow throguh. So don't make any that you won't stick to.
One of my first boundaries was to quit the only enabling I was doing concerning his drinking. I had long ago quit buying his beer etc. My son's guitar lessons are right next to his favorite Sports Bar where he used to hang everyday after work and on weekends. He would come home from the bar, then ride with son and I back to lessons/bar and stay while my son had lessons. I used to go in the bar with him because they had free Nachos that night..lol When I started Alanon and learned of boundaries, not taking him there was one of the first ones I made. He would already be drunk when he came home and I was hauling him back up there? Granted, it was somewhere to go while my son took his lesson and very convenient because it was right next door. But I told "I" would no longer be going to the bar on Wed. nights. (If I said he wasn't going it would have been controlling). We argued about it the first couple weeks with him insisting he was going. I just stuck to my guns and said I am taking son and dropping him off, then I'm going to the library and that if he came with me, that's where he would be too. I was praying I wouldn't have to take a drunk in to the library..lol One time he got real insisitant and said he needed to go just to talk to someone...he went and sat in my car. My son and I got in his car and took off. The look on his face as we backed out of the garage and went passed him while he sat in my car was priceless. He never said a word about it when we got home. He finally got my message and quit attempting to go with us. I never could figure out why he just didn't stay at the bar if that's where he wanted to be. Probably because he wanted a chauffer.
Another boundary for myself was to do my best not to be around him when he was drunk, which was every night. I had a lot of trouble detaching, as he is a chatty drunk that repeats himself. I wasn't very good at watching him stumble and walk in to walls either. At first I used to leave. I'd go anywhere. To visit my Grandson, the park, the mall, my neighbors, a walk. I got tired of leaving my home everynight. We have a spare bdrm, so I made myself a "serenity room" to escape to. I have a bed, a chair, my books, a TV and most importantly a lock. Several times he tried to come in and I would just say "I'm reading". This boundary wasn't to punish him, but for me to keep my sanity. I didn't always have to leave my home anymore. As it turns out, my A didn't like being alone everynight. It forced him to be alone with his behavior. At first he took advantage and binged everynight. About 3 months in to the binging, he felt terrible and looked terrible. He started to talk about quitting drinking on his birthday, which is Oct. As it turns out, he has not had a drink since Sept. 3. I know this is his decision, but I have to think that what Alanon has taught me had a large part in it too. So, that boundary was..."You come home drunk, I'm gone". I did it to protect myself from the anger and disgust I felt until I could learn to accept it and better deal with it. I never was very good at that..lol I don't know if he'll make it, but my boundaries are still in place just in case.
Try to set reasonable boundaries, which are different for everyone. I know some people say their A can't come in to the house drunk. That would have NEVER worked for me. I would have been laughed at.
Hope this helps some.. Take care Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Hello Sadie, well this is just my opinion but boundaries are for us not them. If I have decided I am not going to allow anyone to scream at me anymore that is the boundary and if they start I ask that they lower thier voice or I am leaving the room. If they don't do what I asked now it's up to me to keep the boundary and leave the room. It really dosen't take t hem too long to figure out that u cant argue in an empty room.
If my husb becomes verbally and emotionally abusive i ask him to stop talking to me like that if he dosent again i leave the room sometimes the house.
If supper is at 6pm by all means tell hubby and if he dosent show up for supper ,eat and keep his til he comes home. It can be fun eating alone not having to listen to stupid drunken chatter or god forbid me picking a fight .
Telling a practicing A about your boundaries is like waving a red flag at a bull, he will have alot of fun stepping all over them.
Boundaries are to me about respect - how I want people to treat me. they are for me not them.
The six parts of a good boundary. 1) Clearly defined expectations 2) Clearly defined consequences that don't disturb my serinity. 3) Clearly Set 4) Clearly defined 5) Consistently enforced 6) Without reguard to relationship.
Please remember, and think about this.....a boundary is NOT punishment! Good luck, and I hope everything works out for you and your hubby.
i am rosie, i have a VERY abusive hateful older brother who drinks every night!! thank God i don't live in same town as he anymore, but he used to phone me once in a while...
i had to finally kick him out of my life because in the beginning when i first discovered boundaries in the 12 steps, here, i wrote a list of behaviours i *will not tolerate in ANY relationship* and one of them, of course, was verbal/physical abuse ANY abuse.....well my brother is very verbally abusive....he would put me down, insult me, he can't stand me anyway, and it showed in his behaviour/ language to me......last year, my first test came when he called me on my b-day and it began ok, than as the conversation went on, he began putting me down, insulting me...and i literally yelled STOP!!! STOP RIGHT THERE!!!! and i told him under NO uncertain terms *you want to talk to me????? you treat me with respect OR i am shutting you down immediately* he kind of sputtered and i said *one word of abuse, and i am GONE* well it didn't take him long to begin again, and i hung up!!!!!
the next thing, he made a donation on behalf of our estate (father's estate, and he is executor) anyway, he makes a donation of some of his stuff and got a receipt meaning that all 5 of us had about 1k write offs on our taxes....well he takes care of HIS write off, my older sister's write off, but forgets me!!! i wrote him a stern yet NONabusive letter tellign him that *even tho ihave changed my name (father was a child predator) i am still heir to the estate and i demand to be treated as such*
well i get this AWFUL hate letter to the effect that *well excuse me for forgetting someone who doesn't even want to belong to the XXXXXX family* and i wrote back and said *my name change is for me/ my recovery/ my healing and maybe he was your father, but he was my attacker and if you don't like it??? get over it because i am NOT looking for your approval* well i ended the letter with a warning that he better *dot his i's and cross his t's on the estate* because i was not going to allow him to sabatoge me, and if he wanted to hate me for whatever, it is his inventory not mine, and i am NOT seeking his approval, however until i can say good bye for good, he must advise me on estate matters.....i also said when it is *all said and done* i was going my way and i wished him well, just NOT around me
bottom line here....is i set boundary and i STOOD on it!!! i backed it up with action.....AS i heal and AS i love me, i know more and more what i will accept, what i will not accept and i am STANDING on it.....i deserve NO less!!!!!
please take what works, and leave the rest..........OH!!!! i wrote him because i know he reads his mail sober.....NO use talking to him when he is loaded!!!!!!!.....peace/ rosie
