The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It got worse. It kept getting worse. He has threatened me with a lot these last fews days. He has done none of them. He has caused misery beyone belief, and misery I shouldn't allow him to make me feel. But I do, just the same. He has never been this vindictive. But, I guess I never had stood my ground this long. Finally today I broke. He called friends of mine b/c I wouldn't answer the phone. I spoke to him ,I just cried. Bitterly. I just want this over. I can't take it anymore. Now he calls to say that he wants me to know that he knows this is all his fault. He doesn't blame me for any of it. He loves me. He knows he's wrong. What do I do with this?
oh honey, when they are angry and vengeful it is so easy to stick to our guns. When we are in the middle of a crisis it is so easy to stick to our guns, and with clarity, we know what we need to do and what changes we need to make. In the aftermath, they begin to realize that they might have gone too far this time and truly fear losing us. They make promises that they mean at the time, they apologize and act very remorseful and sweet. We love them so much that we want to believe them so badly. We think that they may have actually changed this time. Maybe this incident really "woke him up". It is all part of a vicious cycle. If you stand your ground and set your boundaries and don't back down, he will alternate between apologetic and angry, his fault and yours. During this roller coaster ride, you can see that yes, he means he is sorry and he means every one of his promises, but he can't keep a single one of them. I mourn every day for the husband I thought I had. It breaks my heart that he is not completely gone. When I get glimpses of him for a day at a time, I am so hopeful and that is what makes it so difficult to let go. If I let go, I have to let go of my hopes and dreams
As soon as he realizes how serious you are he gets scared and starts in the promises. It all sounds so familiar. That's why I'm still in my marriage! But I also know that if nothing changes then nothing changes.. My A husband needs help to really make a commitment to stay sober. He also needs therapy and when I do leave those are my requests for him before I even begin to think of coming back. I know it all sounds easy for me to say while I'm still here. I've been on the roller coaster for 22 years though so I know I can't take much more. It is so hard to stand your ground when he's so sorry but you can do it and then you can remind me that I can too when I'm in your shoes!
Hello Kim, I'm not sure I can add more then others have said --or even you, One thing I was told is it's so easy to love the "love from him" Those times (memories) we have clung onto were fewer, and much easier and sweeter to remember then the "angry" ways.
Another very important thing in this "roller coaster" is it's so easy when they are all so sweet to relive the "honeymoon" Unless yours is truly seeking recovery please be careful of "you"
One reminder, that was reinforced by my sponsor throughout my wife's (many) active years...
An active alcoholic's life revolves around feeding their addiction, so they will do anything, say anything, & promise anything that will allow them to drink. He tells you what he thinks he "needs to", in order to still drink. This is where the disease is sooooo cunning and baffling, as I honestly believe that some A's are aware of this manipulation, while others are not. Regardless, we need to judge our A's by their actions, NOT their words....
Take care
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
