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here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was going to do this last night, but I guess I was pretty stunned by it to think clearly. I need your help and infinite wisdom here. It's not earth shattering, but strange.
There is this woman who is in my A's Home Group. He loves this group and it's the only one he's stuck with this past year. Anyway, last fall she was emotionally screwing with her charge (is that the right word? She's a sponsor and has 16 years sobriety). She then called me to tell me my A came onto her and then she told the home group. (Fidelity has never been an issue for us, even when he was drinking. He would tell me if he came onto her.) He told me when this happened. He stopped going for a while and looked for another one. But he decided that he got the most out of the she's at. So we let it be. That was that.
Now this past week she came into my work place and started asking questions about my A and me. The only reason she came in was to look for me. First of all she introduced herself to me (I have never met her) as his very best friend. Okay, that's wierd, but whatever. She then started asking me questions about him, if I thought he was drinking again, and if she had a chance with him. I tried to nip this in the bud b/c I was busy, and there were strangers around. I finally got rid of her. There are very few people at work who know the story of my A, and that's the way it should be. He has told my friends as it should be. One of them called back to me and let me know that she was asking all sorts of questions about us. I'm concerned because it sounds like she broke hin anonymity too.
Now yesterday, she shows up on my doorstep. She started asking more questions about us and what are intentions were, etc. Then she offers to tell me what was said in their home group! I don't want nor need to know this. If he wants to share it with me, then he can. It's none of my business. She then said that it would be in his best interest (coming from someone who is a Sponsor) if he was with her rather than with me. Basically I stood there and listened to her ramble. I told her that I would take this "under advisement". I just wanted to get her out of the house. This morning she called at 7am wanting to know what his plans were for the day!
My A is basically obtuse when it comes to recognizing the fact that women want him. He's a good looking man, and I've seen women come on to him in bars in college and he's clueless. Even his exwife and father say the same things. They could be standing naked in front of him and he woudln't get the hint! I'm not worried about him leaving her for me. I'm not threatened by her or anything like that. Frankly, I could care less about the soap opera part.
This is the dilemma: I don't want to tell him about this because what would it accomplish. Or do I warn him what's she's up to? My biggest concern is her breaking his anonymity. I don't want him to hold back in his home group, but if she goes around telling other people what she knows about him, that can't be right. This is a small town and the AA meetings and home groups are tightly knit because of the size.
How is the appropriate behavior for a Sponsor? How do I handle her without making matters worse for my A? I don't want her showing up at work and pulling another stunt like this. It's hard to tell someone who acts like a customer to go away. There's a fine line and I could see her trying to make trouble for me.
This woman needs help. Not my problem. But I could use some feedback.
Thanks to all.
Live strong, Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Whoa!!! This lady is waaaaaaaaaaay out of bounds. Personally, I would tell my A so he could take whatever action deemed appropriate by AA.. Coming to your home and place of business is just crazy. Hopefully, someone from AA will answer here too and let you know how these matters are handled. She's out of bounds on so many levels.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Christy, I think you're right about telling him. The more I think about it, not telling him might do more daamge. But I would really like to hear from somebody in AA.
Anybody have a straight jacket for this lady?
Thanks!
Live strong, Karilynn
P.S. This seems like a trivial issue to the other messages of the day. But I'm glad you're hear for me.
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Karilyn, I don't go to AA meetings, but I think from your story that your husband should know the truth about her and what she is doing. I would most certainly want to know. She certainly has problems of which I would want no part. You had far more patience w her than I would have had.
Perhaps a good opportunity to set a boundary with this person, who is obviously struggling in many aspects of HER recovery.... Next time you see her, what about telling her, very clearly, that you:
1. Want NO contact with her whatsoever
2. Want NO "inside information" on your A, or his home group, as that is HIS
And then simply walk away.
Who knows, sometimes sick people just need to be reminded of when they crossed the line...
Good luck!
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I can't advise you on what to do since I don't know your "A", but I know that if it were me and my wife, I would want to know. I am an alcoholic too, and that crazed woman is a homewrecker, or trying to be and I would want to know. AA is not a place to "pick up" girls or guys, and shouldn't be used for that purpose. We go to AA for recovery, not... well.....you know.
If you don't tell him, he probably won't know that she is fresh out of the nut hut, and still needs cracking.
Again, I don't know what YOU should do, I only know that I would want to know to be on the alert for her crazy arse.
Good Luck on your endevor, and whatever you decide, remember this:
God loves you and there is nothing you can do about it. Cool huh?
I agree with you on telling him. That part of my mind is made up. Forwarned is forarmed. I can certainly set the boundaries for her contacting me. I was just trying to find a more gentle way of doing it. I may have to be a little more blunt.
But here's a question or two in regards to those of you who are in AA. 1. How can she be a Sponsor? 2. Can she be advised not to come back to that Home Group if he elects to let the group know what she's been up to? I mean this can't be a healthy to have someone like that in a group can it? I don't know what goes on in a Home Group. I'm assuming that they are a little more personal when it comes to details of the people's lives. 3. How can you maintain the confidentiality of a group of people when one of the members has no qualms about breaking it?
I know there is nothing I can do about the group. It's up to them. But boy is it infuriating to know that when you see someone working so hard to stay sober and knowing that they might not be able to talk as openly as they want because of someone like this. I guess I'm thinking that when you go to meetings that it's about helping each other and not other stuff. Is that an idealistic view of AA? I hope not.
Keep the feedback coming. Thanks.
Live strong, Karilynn
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
OMG!!! Yes she has done very wrong and yes what she is doing is not acceptable behavior. In AA they do not recomend what she is doing, however the sad thing is that this does happen:(
I am an alanoner however I do go to AA meetings as well, we do speak very openly at our meetings and do rely on the other members to keep what is said in the confines of thoes walls in there!!!
This is definately something that should be brought up with the group concience!
In the AA big blue Book on pg 89 edition 4 I believe is the chapter "working with others" she needs a refresher course because it clearly states that there should be NO interfearance with the family dynamics!!!
I my self would discuss this with your husband and even maybe go to the meeting and bring it up at the meeting.
I wish you the best. Honesty is always the best action.
Hi , I would definetly tell your husb what she is doing , all of it the visits to your office and to your home. She is so out of line. And if your husb is worried about his secrets, I was told along time ago if your really worried go to the meeting and tell them all then u don't have a worry in the world . makes sence to me.
Most definately this lady is loony on the bus, let him know, talk to him and fill him in, make sure you are both on the same page or you will be having the "he said" "she said" soap opera you don't want.
As for anonymity she has already broken hers by approaching you, don't worry about it.
Ask your "A" to pick up a copy of the 12 qualities of sponsorship, it will answer many of your questions on sponsorship.
Your "A" should know all of the facts about this so he can definately deal with this on a group level, and should bring up the fact of this crazy lady with the group, she has most indeed over stepped the boundaries.
Now put the shoes on the other feet, if say a gentleman from your group was doing the same thing to you that the crazy lady is to him, would you want to know?
I would tell him and deal with this lady together as an informed couple.
Clearly this is NOT acceptable,,,I personally would contact AA central services and tell them what is going on. I am shaking my head in disbelief, this woman is obviously not within the parameters of the AA or Alanon philisophy. Take care of you,,,,gardengal
