The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I filed for divorce in June from my A husband because I couldn't take the turmoil anymore. We have been together 17 years and he's still in the house...won't leave until the judge orders it. I'm not leaving because I want my son with his friends in the neighborhood and I feel emotionally secure here.
Ever since we met, he's the only one I've loved. We have a beautiful 7-year old son. I sensed last February that he had detached from our marriage and that perhaps he had a girlfriend. No proof though. So I was never sure nor believed he would cheat.
Recently I found a bottle of Viagra (empty) that he never told me about... dated March 2005. He never had disfunction in this area when we were intimate. He said he used it with me...I thought that was very strange since most couples would talk about something like this. And, again, he never had problems in the past in that area.
I was intimate with him in mid-August (foolish on my part). Two days later I developed an infection. I had blood tests and cultures and felt destroyed when the doc said it was herpes. I feel like my life is over. I never dated a lot before marriage. And even while waiting to be divorced, I have not been into thinking about the dating scene...it doesn't appeal to me...especially now.
He denies he gave HSV to me, yells at me, tells me I'm crazy, says I must have been unfaithful. I think this all goes back to his alcoholism (which he also denies). He blames me for everything. Has anyone dealt with this "blame-game" before or been in a similar situation regarding Viagra or STDs with your A?
I'll definitely never be intimate with him again and it seems my love for him is now dying. But sometimes I think about the dream I had of always being together as a family. But, I'm trying to make that fade-away too.
Heather, thank you for being so honest and open in your post. From what you said, it certainly seems your A is lying about what happened. I am so sorry that you now have herpes. I could have been in the same situation several years ago. My A was with me visiting my mom, and he went to a bar in the afternoon and drank all day and evening. Needless to say, he was very drunk when he came home. We left for our home the following day, and he acted like everything was all my fault. That evening, I had sex with him. Notice I did not say we were intimate. As far as I am concerned, it was just having "sex." The next day when I went to work, I noticed a change in my body. That evening, he told me he had seen a doctor, and I would need to take this prescription as he had contracted an STD, and, I, too, was infected. I was stunned and shocked for never did I think he would be unfaithful.
He told me he remembers nothing of what happened except that he was dancing all evening w someone, and she drove him home. HE NEVER APOLOGIZED nor takes any responsibility for his actions when he is drinking. It was necessary for me to go through two rounds of an antibiotic to get rid of the STD. I dislike medication so I was worried about taking so much medicine. Since he has decided to drink at the bar every night, and comes home drunk on occasion, I told him I would have nothing physically to do with him. I will not put myself through that again. He has made his choice. I sleep in one room, and he sleeps in another. My door is always locked. He knows not to bother me. So we are two married people living "separate" lives. He makes reference to me being his wife, but he just doesn't get it. He is certainly not the husband I married.
So, Heather, that is my story. Take care of you. Take your A off that pedestal that you put him on. He doesn't deserve it. I hope this helps lesson your pain. Love and blessings, Annie
You might want to call one of those STD information lines - something like this happened to me. My doctor said what I had looked like herpes, and took a swab, gave me some medicine for the moment and sent me home. I came home and tore a strip off of my husband, he said "Don't look at me". I called the help line, and they were very helpful. Told me that it can stay in the system for years, before becoming active. Even though we had been married ten years at that point, they said it was indeed possible that it was from before we even met.
The way this story ends - the doctor never called me back with results, so after three weeks I called her. She said, Oh, yes, I meant to call you. It wasn't herpes after all (!)
OH, HEATHER... I am so sorry for your pain.. I am speechless..You are no FOOL just someone holding on to the dream of a happy FAMILY.. Nobody can blame you for that.. I think all of us who are still with our A's completely understand that ... I havent been where you are ( thank god ) in the cheating area... ( or at least I dont think so ) but am in the situation where I have ask my husband to leave and he WONT.. I havent filed for divorce yet however that remains an option. Alcoholism makes them the center of the UNIVERSE.. They dont think about anyone but themselves not even their CHILDREN.. My A says we can leave.. Nice huh... Me take my 2 children and leave THEIR HOME because HE doesnt want to leave..
Anyway, it is really a shame.. My suggestion is MOVE OUT... It will help with the detachment part that is really hard even when you are living apart and i think impossible living in the same house.
My A, who has been in my life (not married to him) for over 4 years has always pulled the disappearing act and I never knew where he was or who he was with or what he was doing, but he always told me he'd never cheat and I believed him. Well, about 6 months into our relationship, I suddenly came down with HPV. I'd never had an STD in my life! The doc said it could have been lying dormant in my system for years and just at that time was exposing itself. I believed that must have been the case. I went through the painful process of telling my "new b/f" and he was upset but not as much as you'd think. He never wore protection for his own sake. Then, 2 months later (after another disappearance) I came down with HSV! I couldn't believe that both of these had been lying dormant in my system for who knows how long and both just happened to present themselves close together. He denied any part in it, even when I made him take the blood test to determine if he had herpes and it came back positive. I stayed with him. Never knew what to think. Maybe he had it and never knew it... they say that 60-80% of population has some form of herpes or another and most of them don't even know they have it. Soo.... that was always a gray area. Funny though, how it bothered me (as to where it came from) more than it bothered him. When he is sober, for months at a time, we are the best of friends and seems like soulmates (even though there are gray areas that never seem to get cleared up or even talked about), but now that he's back to drinking again, I have decided to keep my distance (not speaking or contacting in any way right now) so I can focus on me (since I am somewhat new to alanon and in need of inner change and he only distracts me when he's actively drinking and coming around). Funny, them gray areas aren't SO gray anymore when I "step outside", much as I hate to admit it. I love him but hate what he did to me and to "us." We aren't even married and I stayed with him 4 more years after that and am still not sure what direction our relationship will go-- just working on me right now (I have this feeling that maybe this time it really is over between us-- too many lies and betrayals and blow offs and disses). Anyway, I'm sorry that you have to go through the trauma of finding out you have an incurable STD. It was one really difficult time in my life, I know. I felt so dirty. My mom was out of town at the time and I had to lean on my dad (ack!!) but he was so good with me, never cut me down or lectured me or anything, just let me cry and figure things out for myself.
Having an STD is NOT a good reason to stay in the relationship (although for a short while, I think that maybe was why I was staying, but after all these years, I really do love him and it is a really difficult thing to consider letting go). But there are others who have it and there are others who are willing to deal with it. It's not so bad, not making light of it in any way.
Don't know if any of this helped but just wanted to share with you and let you know you are definitely not alone, and you aren't a fool. Hang in the girlfriend. Whatever your questions, your answers will come with time. There are better days ahead. My thoughts are with you.
I am sorry for you having the STD! I understand where you're coming from. When I was married to my ex husband, he was not an alcoholic, but rather had the behavior and attitudes of an alcoholic. During the end of our marriage, while attending counseling, I found in his bathroom drawer a tube of cream to apply daily. I asked him what it was for, and he said nothing, just an itch. I asked him when he got the cream, and he said during a physical. Now, you have to know, that he NEVER, EVER, EVER went to a doctor, never had the time, never thought he needed it, never for a physical, ANYTHING. I was married to him for 13 years, and he wouldn't even go if he was deathly sick, or with a broken bone, ANYTHING. So here he is telling me he went for a physical, yeah right! So a little while later, his lab results came in the mail, and everything was "normal". I still believe he was out fooling around or something, because why would he even think it warranted a doctor visit? Incidently, I never had sex with him again, not only because of that, but because we were having lots of problems, and I knew I would file for divorce soon. (And by the way, I had NEVER, EVER had any female problems or any lab results that were suspicious.) So we were divorced for about 3 years, then I started dating my current A (April '99). About the time of our wedding, a year later, I had my annual checkup, and found out I had HPV, usually given to the woman by a man, the doctor said. He said that HPV was probably transmitted from my soon-to-be husband, since he was my recent partner. I thought, maybe he had it before we met, because we had been dating almost a year before getting married, and I saw him most days of the week. We both worked in town, lived in town, I saw his family all the time (he and his daughter lived with his parents after his divorce from HER mom). So surely he must have had it from some past lover. I ended up having a procedure a few days before our wedding, then immediately after our honeymoon, and had to be checked every 3 months, for a year, then every 6 months for a year, then yearly when everything was ok. Since then, tests have been negative.
Fast-forward to Feb. 2005 - Found out in Oct. 2003 that he was an alcoholic after a dui arrest. Couldn't believe it! So he was now in jail for 5 mos (he had another dui in April of '04), and I had found out from his ex-girlfriend that he had been seeing her AT THE SAME TIME that we were dating and engaged! He was having sex with her also. He did confirm this after being confronted on the phone during his "vacation" at jail (not before all the denials, however!). So, I guess I'm saying that I now believe that I did, in fact, contract this from him, since he was actively engaged in sex with her, and who knows whoever else. I won't make this story any longer, only to say that I don't want him to be intimate with me right now, even though he has just had a physical, and everything seems to be negative. I still don't know what will happen with us.
Anyway, I'm just saying to you that you're not alone, unfortunately. Hang in there, do what YOU have to do for YOU.
You are all so wonderful and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your wise words. It really helps me clarify the situation in my mind (because he always says I'm crazy).
Things are becoming clearer now because just a day after posting this, I discovered he had a "secret" cell phone in addition to his regular one. I was able to go into his account which revealed text messages and telephone calls to a woman I don't know. It's given me the documentation I need to have a judge get my A out of the house.
I love you all. Thank you again so much for opening your hearts with your private stories. You have helped me immensely!!!
I understand where you're coming from. When I was married to my ex husband, he was not an alcoholic, but rather had the behavior and attitudes of an alcoholic. During the end of our marriage, while attending counseling, I found in his bathroom drawer a tube of cream to apply daily. I asked him what it was for, and he said nothing, just an itch. I asked him when he got the cream, and he said during a physical. Now, you have to know, that he NEVER, EVER, EVER went to a doctor, never had the time, never thought he needed it, never for a physical, ANYTHING. I was married to him for 13 years, and he wouldn't even go if he was deathly sick, or with a broken bone, ANYTHING. So here he is telling me he went for a physical, yeah right! 
So a little while later, his lab results came in the mail, and everything was "normal". I still believe he was out fooling around or something, because why would he even think it warranted a doctor visit? Incidently, I never had sex with him again, not only because of that, but because we were having lots of problems, and I knew I would file for divorce soon. (And by the way, I had NEVER, EVER had any female problems or any lab results that were suspicious.) So we were divorced for about 3 years, then I started dating my current A (April '99). About the time of our wedding, a year later, I had my annual checkup, and found out I had HPV, usually given to the woman by a man, the doctor said. He said that HPV was probably transmitted from my soon-to-be husband, since he was my recent partner. I thought, maybe he had it before we met, because we had been dating almost a year before getting married, and I saw him most days of the week. We both worked in town, lived in town, I saw his family all the time (he and his daughter lived with his parents after his divorce from HER mom). So surely he must have had it from some past lover. I ended up having a procedure a few days before our wedding, then immediately after our honeymoon, and had to be checked every 3 months, for a year, then every 6 months for a year, then yearly when everything was ok. Since then, tests have been negative. 
So he was now in jail for 5 mos (he had another dui in April of '04), and I had found out from his ex-girlfriend that he had been seeing her AT THE SAME TIME that we were dating and engaged! He was having sex with her also. He did confirm this after being confronted on the phone during his "vacation" at jail (not before all the denials, however!). So, I guess I'm saying that I now believe that I did, in fact, contract this from him, since he was actively engaged in sex with her, and who knows whoever else. I won't make this story any longer, only to say that I don't want him to be intimate with me right now, even though he has just had a physical, and everything seems to be negative. I still don't know what will happen with us. 