I have been doing alot of thinking lately and some times I think that it is unhealthy to think to much,  what I would rather be doing is just living one day at a time and enjoying all the things I have to be greatful for.  I do try but sometimes it is hard... I think that all of this thinking is because I am stuck in a rut when it comes to my program.  Any way... the thinking part of it was about my younger years with my husband and some of the reasons that I thought he would be a good dad...  We grew up in simmilar situations his dad was also an alcoholic and it was devistating to him when his Adad's behaviors would leave him waiting or disapoint him which was often.  His nieces were a huge part of our lives we did alot of things with them and he was great with them.  Basically I wanted better for my kids than what I had and so I thought he did too.  Little does he know that he is doing exactly what his dad did to him to our kids....He just doesn't see it and I know that it is the disease it is just one of thoes things that is hard to Let Go.  To much history as kids together is what I chalk it up to. and I am working on it.  Any way the reason I bring this up is because I was reading about "Being in Love With The Memory" the memory of what was and has now been comsumed by this awful disease. I have shared that his sister and I were bestfriends before him and I getting together and I have known my husband for over 17 years now.  All of my memories from child hood however sparce were simmilar to his child hood and we had alot in common.  We were great friends before lovers and my memories of him before the disease are what keeps the loves alive in me sometimes.  Not often do I get a glimps of who he really is but on them rare occasions I turn to mush.

Anyway... as I am going through life now with my program and working the steps my life is much more managable to me, but I have been forced to think about things I would much rather leave alone.. I mean through other members shares it forces the thoughts beack to the surface.  Mainly MY childhood...much of which I can not remember. What struck a coard with me was a share about the children and how they do not remember and the guilt the parents feel and how they (parents) have tried to make ammends.  Which I think is great becuase of Alanon they can be better parents and when I was young I did not have that.  Any way now here I sit on both sides of the fence and I often think of how I felt....  I hated my mom!!! I saw her as weak and stupid but there I was put in the middle of it all by them.  My dad flaunted his behavior in front of me. His affair, his out of control drinking and I was the one driving him around way under age... by the age of 10 I was driving him home drunk.  I had to grow up fast and no wonder I feel so old!!! I knew that we could never depend on my dad to be there for us when we needed him so I felt as though my family depended on me to hold things together... I did end up telling my mom about the affair and they did get divorced and only to get back together a year later. This is when I began to hate my mom because we were finally free of the chaos and she let it back in... then of course it got worse for me... he took his frustrations out on me for being the one who TOLD.  He began beating me up and I ended up moving out.  I was head strong and stubborn and could not forgive I was a SURVIVOR.

I did not have much of a relationship with eather of my parents unilt I had my son 5 years ago and even then it was hard as they had moved away and left me with my younger brother to finnish highschool.  My thinking was WHAT PARENT WOULD DO THAT!!! Any way HP works in mysteruos ways... presents oppertunity for forgivness and amends.  My dad called me on my drinking when I had my break down and my hubsands alcoholism and he made his ammends to me and I to him not that long ago.  My mom on the other hand I can not talk to her about all of it as I only hurt her and would rather not, she is still a friglile woman.

Now I see my dad he is a great grandpa.. the one who wants to spend time with my kids their only constant.  I now see this as him making  up for his mistakes with me.  He is making the best of it with them and they adore him!! I am almost crying typing this... Had he been able he would have been a great dad I missed out on so much. But at least my kids have gotten to know the man he is today and for that I am greatful.

So now that I got this all out I hope that my past and alanon helps me to be a better parent and helps me learn what HP wanted me to realize because just thinking about it was making me confused but rereading it has made it all a bit clearer.  I was questioning who I am today and questioning why all of a sudden I was thinking about all of this and now I know...well I think I know.

Sory this is so long.. I hope this share helps someone else.

Love in recovery
JJ