The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This is the first thing I have done towards AL-Anon. I'm not sure where to begin. I have been married for 2 1/2 years to an alcoholic/addict. He went to rehab in April. Got out saying how it was going to be hard, but he had changed. He did really good for 3 and 1/2 months. Then he started drinking "near beer" because he just liked the taste of it and it wasn't really beer so he wasn't hurting anything in his mind. Well. he got really drunk about 4 weeks ago and then once last week and then twice this week. He was "sorry" the first time, by this week--he's just tired and he doesn't see why he can't drink--everybody in East Texas drinks, it's just what they do (words straight from his mouth). Last night he came home violent and screaming at me, throwing furniture around, so I left. He told my folks he was going to take his daughter and leave he was tired of living this life.
I know you all have gone through this, but it hurts so much. I just feel like I am nothing! He acts like our life together was terrible. In my rational mind I know that is the "disease" talking, he is just trying to justify everything. Why can't I get my emotional mind to just shrug it all off?
Hi and thank you for sharing your story with us. You've taken a big step in coming here. Have you checked out any al-anon meetings in your area? The friendship and caring there can be so helpful.
I'm sure you are not a bad person, and you are right, it is the disease talking. The al-anon program makes it easier for me. My A hates himself, and wants me to hate myself too, it seems.
Here's hoping that you can learn to just take care of yourself, and leave his disease to him. Have you heard the 3 C's? You can't control it...you didn't cause it and you can't cure it. What you can do...is just be the best YOU that you can be...take care of yourself, and value yourself. You are worth it.
The blame is part of the disease, don't take it personally. Of course it is easier to blame then to be accountable. You will soon learn how important it is to take care of you. This last year has been an eye opener for me. I didn't even realize how isolated I had become. I went to work and then home. I didn't want to do anything else. I have a whole room dedicated to my crafts, I hadn't been in there in months! I stopped visiting with friends except by phone and email. I put off doing things with my own mother. Not because my A told me too but because I spent so much time wondering if he was coming home right after work, if he would stay out all night on Fridays, hating that things weren't getting done around the house. I have now realized I didn't cause it, I can't cure it. It is hard to let go. I am now eatting healthy, doing some excercises 5 days a week, seeing my friends, doing things with my mom, enjoying my children more, looking for better employment. Hang in there, take care of you, because if you don't, who will?
Good for you for coming here and posting! You deserve some support. Do check out any face to face meetings in your area as well. It's hard to understand somebody drinking or using. It isn't really your job to understand or figure somebody else out. You can't make sense out of what doesn't make any sense.
Your self esteem has been affected by living with your alcoholic/addict. That is something that you can work on through AlAnon. Of course you are having a hard time "shrugging this off," you are new to this program. There are tools you can learn in AlAanon to take better care of yourself, one day at a time.
Hi! I just found this site yesterday and it is so helpful to know that you have somewhere to go even if its just to read what others have posted about or just simply vent!! I am going to my first Al-Anon meeting tomorrow. It is the hardest thing to deal with all the whys and having to let go and not try to control what they do, (i would never do this but i want to ) is to sit him down and say you are NOT going to drink anymore! Why is it so important to do this to yourself and risk hurting our relationship? I want to hide anything that remotely has alcohol in it, I want to say quit being so damn selfish, BUT I dont, from now on I'll come here and read.....
I have to fight really hard with myself to not feel resentful toward him and remind myself constantly that its a sickness and the 3 C's I have learned about in the last 2 days!
I did buy the book Courage to Change from one of the open AA meetings we attended, and its good to read that everyday. There was also a quote on here I read that said
"We cant control the wind, but we can adjust the sails." I thought that was cool!!
Hi - not easy to shrug this stuff off it hurts. But detaching with love wil help just know that its not the man talking it's booze. Removing yourself was a good idea , no reason to stay when things are being thrown around and broken , I believe that when they run out of furniture were next. and that is totally unexceptable to me.
He knows you are afraid of loosing our children it is just a threat to whip u back into shape again. Threats and inendos are what most a's are about. He has slipped in recovry and is feeling tremendous guilt and shame that he can't stay sober but thats his problem don't let him make it yours. Encourage him to try again. keep the focus on yourself and your needs and u will begin to fel better. I hope u are attending meetings for yourself f2f u don't have to do this alone. good luck Louise
hello my name is Donna known as mama on the online alanon meetings. Yes it is hard watching the ones we love relasp back into their addiction but honestly everyone makes their own choices and that is the bottom line. I have a husband who has been sober 13 years and a son that is now a drug addict. He was in treatment for 5 months and now is back at it. The only thing I can tell you is try not to neglect yourself or your children. Leaving is sometimes the best thng to do in tormoil ( that is what works for me) addiction seems to change the personalities of the addict and there is no reason to argue or try to make things better when the preson you are talking to is not present in full mind. Leaving(taking a walk, going to the park , or even just taking a bubble bath keeps me from being involved with the addict and from saying hurtful things to the one I love. The children need to know that you are there for them so be good to you so you can be good to them. Honey I know this is hard but knowing you are not alone and the encouragement you get from the rooms of alanon are very heart warmng and keeps my head above the water. Please take care of yourself .
I found this site about 2 months ago while seperated from my husband who is also an alcoholic. Since then I returned back to empty promises, of no more drinking. Well i have hung on to this site for dear life. It has helped so much. I think reading others and seeing yourself helps.. ( maybe missery loves company ) ..?? I think that knowing you are not alone on this journey of recovery helps.. Recovery for you not for HIM.. I have left when my husband is drunk and getting loud too. I dont think our children need to see that .. It is THEIR disease it is just a shame it effects everyone who loves the person.
Keep coming back, read the posts, vent and hopefully you will move down the road of recovery for you and your daughter. I know that is what I am hoping for..
Thank you for your kind words. Coming here has helped. I don't feel quite so alone. I do want to go to some Al-anon meetings. I really think they could help me, it's just finding the time of a meetong that I can get to, and then not finding "reasons" to not go.
