The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
OK well my Pastor had something different in mind than the Alanon way. He said that just letting him drink and not saying anything was not helping him, and that I should not alow him to do so in our house and around our child, soon to be children. He gave me a lot of options to tell my "A". He said that he could go and talk with him, or he had numbers to other Christian Counselors that my "A" doesnt know if that makes him more comfortable, or he can go to detox for about 6 weeks at a place my pastor knows about and the church will take care of me and our son and our bills until he returns. This all, of course, sounded great to me but he wanted me to present it to my "A" when I got home and to not alow this anymore. Knowing that this is not Alanon's way I was weiry but things were going down hill fast and something needed to change. So ,nervously, I went home and just got right into it. And I'm sure you can all guess how it went. He got very defensive and tried turning it from him to me, but I stayed calm with him. After a few minuted of silence and him just sitting there, he got calm and easy to talk to. I think it was just the initial shock. We ended up having a wonderful conversation and he said that he really did want to quit and he didnt want to do the things that his dad did to him, to our son. I told him all the options that our pastor had given me and he chose to talk to a counselor that he didnt know until he felt comfortable enough to talk with our pastor. I know that this is gonna be hard and that it might not even work, but it's worth giving it a shot. And I have to tell you, I have never seen my husband wake up in such a good mood as he did this morning. It's almost like he knows things are gonna get better and he's ready. I'll keep you all informed and let ya know how things are going, I just wanted to tell you my pastor's advice. We have already decided to cut ourselves off from our family festivites for a while, and we will not go anywhere where alcohol is served. He only has 2 friends that dont drink and he will limit himself to hanging out with them for a while. And of course, no going to my pasrents house. My parents invented "peer pressure". We might even miss the holidays but I told people that I am not willing to risk him falling off the wagon for the holidays. They will just have to get over it, but we'll see where we are around then. I told him that whatever it takes I will do. I will be with him through this or I will go away if he needs. He seems very happy and he hasn't had a drink in 4 days, which is a lot usually. Wish us luck.
I am glad that you went to your pastor for help. Remeber nothing changes if nothing changes right. I sounds like your husband want to get help and I pray that it does work out for you and your family. I was thingking while reading and some of what your pastor said could very well apply to alanon such as not allowing it in the home. As boundaries that you could set for yourself and the children. Your safety and the childrens come first.
I have set myself up for disapointment sooooo many times and it hurts so bad.
You sure are a good wife and very supportive of your husband and he is very lucky to have you.
((kimmie)) Best of luck to you both.. If I can make just one suggestion? Continue to take care of YOU. My A is also trying to get sober (6 days). It would be so easy for me to to not go to my meetings because I fear he will drink if I'm not here. It flashed in my mind for one second :) Then reality took over and I realized three things. #1. I need those meetings for me. #2. If he chooses to drink, he is going to to drink. I'm still powerless. #3. It's all up to him to make it. Nothing I do will make him drink or not drink.
I can be supportive, I can enjoy more time with him, but I can't lose me again. I can see where I could get sucked in to his sobriety just as easily as I was sucked in to his disease. I'm not going there, EVER again.
For once I am... FREE TO BE ME, Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Good that you reached out to your pastor, and good that he responded. The suggestions he made are not necessarily incompatible with the AlAnon way. You can be supportive to your husband without accepting responsibility for his choices and the outcome of his choices. It is very important when you have a young child and are pregnant to take care of yourself physically and emotionally. Living with an alcoholic, especially one who says he's going to change, can be a real rollercoaster ride. It's important for you to make your own serenity a priority. I hope you keep posting and go to some face to face meetings to get the support you need.
Take care of yourself and your child one day at a time. I hope things go well for you.
"OK well my Pastor had something different in mind than the Alanon way. He said that just letting him drink and not saying anything was not helping him, and that I should not alow him to do so in our house and around our child, soon to be children."
Kimmie, this advice is certainly not against the tenets of AlAnon as I understand them. Remember my dear....boundaries. A boundary would be letting your A know that he must not drink around the children or in the house. Now when you set a boundary, you need to be ready to defend it and stick to it. Boundaries are perfectly acceptable.
Best of luck to you. I send you great caring, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
