Well, I think I may be on the verge of major spiritual growth in my program and as a person...

As many of you recall, I hit my bottom about 1.5 years ago when I left my A because she had a longterm affair. Since then, I have had a very high level of willingness to work this program not only to get over her but also to try my best not to set up the same kind of behavior in another relationship.

So, I followed the recommendations of AA to a newly sober A: I did 90 meetings in 90 days, took a year off relationships, got an apartment by myself and made no other major changes in my life. I have continued to go to meetings weekly (usually 3 or 4) and have become an Alateen sponsor. I've grown a lot.

However, I have since had two relationships that have been unhealthy and nonmutual. Both were with people who insisted they were not interested in me but acted to the contrary. I am about one week out of the second relationship... and I think I am finally starting to get it.

In many ways, I used those two relationships to fill the hole in me left when I left my partner. I've been spending a lot of time alone but not truly alone... I've had these relatinoships to fall back onto from time to time. Now, I am sitting here and noticing that I am no longer looking for someone/something to fill the gaps left from my last relationship.

I'm willing to keep those gaps until my HP is ready to fill them. And I have a feeling he can fill them way better and in a way that is more lasting than I can. So, I'm sitting here and waiting. If these past two years have taught me anything, it's that you never know what good thing could be right around the next corner. I need to do the footwork and give the rest to my HP. He'll fill those gaps between the old me and new me if I let him.

And believe me, I am ready to stop trying to do it on my own. Thank God -- literally -- that my HP does not have my limited vision for my life.

I'm actually feeling a little bit grateful for the gaps now.

Thanks for listening,
Jessi