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Hi Everyone- at the risk of exhausting all who read here, I have a tale to share as well.
I have been sporadically coming to this board, online meetings and F2F meetings for about 2 yrs. My husband of 15 yrs has been a 30+ yr abuser of marijuana. He has added some binge drinking on top of it, to make himself feel even more numb. I came here because i wanted to learn how to help him. I learned that I couldn't---but i could help me.
the past 2 years have been filled with his attempts to get sober--followed by binges, depression, remorse and promises (sounds familiar?) I've tried to let it be his problem to deal with, while I try to keep my eyes on my own paper--that being said, it is hard because we have 2 kids together (13 and 9). Without the kids, I don't know that I would even bother to try---except that alanon teaches us that we have responsibilities, too, when it comes to our relationships. I need to find what it is about me that allows myself to accept and love a man who abuses subsances regularly.
all that being said--the last month has been just crazy. My H got his car stolen when he was out at a bar---a Gay bar! (of course I had to pick him up and rescue him) Now don't get me wrong--I have nothing against homosexuality---I just don't think that was who I married! After much truth telling and counselling-- H says that he is confused about his sexuality and has been since he was 15 or 16 (he is mid 40's now)
Were there signs? not really. I thought his sluggish libido had more to do with drug use--or his disgust with my wt gains over the years(30lbs or so). At this point, I don't know where this is all going. We are in therapy. He is not using. He swears he wants to be straight(chemically and sexually) and stay married and that he loves me etc. I feel like crap. I don't know that I can trust him at all. I will not be involved sexually with him----for a very long time (I won't say never, but it is really hard to even imagine) I talked to my ob/gyn and got tested for all those nasty diseases (so did he and his tests were negative--so I feel pretty safe)
I just don't know what to do with myself at this point. my ob/gyn says I should seek counselling for myself--not just our relationship. I don't know if I am dealing with a person with the disease of drug and alcohol addiction--or sexual identity problems. I know that he used drugs and alcohol to allow himself to participate in same sex activity. which came 1st--the chicken or the egg? does it matter?
thanx for taking the time to read this sorry tale. everybody's got their own little freaky life, don't they??
peace xxooxx
-- Edited by gknee at 13:53, 2005-09-08
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In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.- Daniel L. Reardon
Yikes! You know, I was recently reading an article about this very thing - women finding out that their husbnds are gay - and so much of what they ended up having to do, in order to deal with it, sounded like alanon. That is - it's not your fault, you didn't cause it, it doesn't mean that your whole life is a sham, it just means that you have some thinking to do. Some decidng about what YOU want out of the rest of your life. I can't imagine getting such news - I know I would need quite a long time just to get used to the idea. Counselling sounds great, it will help you figure out how you feel about this. He may want to stay together, but you have the right to take the time to decide what you want, and what's best for you.
I know, personally, that you can not take this personally. My first husband, (we married young and were married 14 years), we had 4 sons, he was military, an alcoholic, and abusive. He cheated on me several times. He was molested for 12 yrs when he was growing up. I knew about his growing up years before we got married. When he cheated on me it was always with a man.
The day he signed the final divorce papers he told me he was living in the gay community. It wasn't a surprise for me, what was a surprise was what a non-existent parent he bacame after the divorce.
What surprised me, was my self esteem level was so low during the last couple years of marriage (the dr. was treating me for clinical depression). I thought no one would ever want me again. It surprised me that when he was cheating on me he used no protection, even when I was pregnant.
What doesn't surprise me is that he now is in the advanced stages of HIV.
I am sad that he doesn't know what neat kids he has. I am sad that he really won't enjoy the grandchildren our sons are giving us. I am sad that he has never sought help for his addictions or accepting himself just the way he is. I know from experience that you are who you are. I wish my ex had just admitted it to at least himself earlier, I don't regret the marriage because I have my wonderful sons and have learned so much about myself through the process.
Now I am learning all over again, because I slipped into the old behaviors. But it will all be okay....I am right where I am supposed to be.
Just wanted to see how you are doing, after you got such a shock. I hope you are taking time to eat healthy, rest, and get support from friends. About 14 years ago my significant other of many years dropped a similar bomb on me. He had a whole double life I knew nothing about, and if he hadn't finally told me, I might never have found out. I ran to a counselor as fast as I could and started researching everything I could find on the subject. Kept going to my 12 step groups also, but felt too humiliated at the time to talk about the details of what was upsetting me.
From what I've researched, a fair number of men who are having sex with other men are actually married (often with children). If asked, they will tell you they aren't gay because they are married and have been with women. Whatever they choose to call themselves, they put the unsuspecting women who have sex with them at serious risk for HIV and a ton of other ugly diseases.
There is no way you can know what he's doing 24/7 no matter what he tells you about wanting to be straight and monogomous. Protect yourself, and know that no protection is foolproof.
Your doctor made a good suggestion about getting counseling for yourself. After a shock like you got, you need support from a professional who can help you figure out what is best for YOU, no matter what your husband thinks he wants. This is about YOUR life and health.
Be strong, and hold your head high. As someone else said, you didn't cause this, you can't control it, or cure it.
