The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am struggling today.I don't know if what I want to do is right. For those of you that have read my other posts, my A has been struggling at work. His co-worker that he has spent the last 2 weekends with has been harrassing him non-stop. I am not saying that he is not at fault but he is the one with the disease. The co-worker happens to be his boss. I had informed them that my husband is an alcoholic and that he had just gotten out of rehab 3 months ago. I told them that he had almost died from a drug overdose ( he knows what I had told them so it wasn't like I was going behind his back) After the first weekend that he was gone, he didn't show up for work and another supervisor had called me and asked me what was going on.
This was the first job that my A has had that he really loved and was good at. Come to find out this co-worker (boss) of his was harrassing him the whole time. She had developed some sort of crush on him and was constantly trying to get him to come over to her house, offering him all kinds of things. She knew he was married and she knew he is a drug addict/alcoholic and still she got him to come over by offering him as much alcohol and drugs that he wanted. Finally he was week and gave in. This woman is not what my husband is interested in sexually and the only reason that he went over there is for the high. You see this woman is morbidly obese.
He spent the last 5 days completely drunk. The only way he would ever stay away that long is if he was numb. She bought him weed, as much alcohol as he wanted even offered to help him get valium, which is his drug of choice. She would constantly try to get him to go to bed with her and he would say no, thanks. She would keep her telephone off all day so nobody could reach him, she even wrote him a letter and told him that she loved him and couldn't stand it if he left. She bought him all kinds of new clothes and shoes and whatever he wanted, all of which he brought home with him.
My A had never led her to believe that he was interested in her for anything but a roommate but she had other ideas. Before I found Alanon I would bitch and nag my A and tell him to get out which I know now was wrong now but finally he did because she kept offering substances to him. After talking with my A, I am tempted to file a harrassment suit but I don't know if this is the right thing to do. I think the company should know who they have running their warehouse and I think she should have to pay for what she did, I know this is probably the wrong attitude but I am having trouble letting it go and I don't know if we should let it go.
One of the things alanon teaches us to do, is to stop doing things for the A that he can do for himself. As long as you are there to take on the world for him, why should he ever have to grow up? And growing up is a big part of recovery, for him. If your husband feels that a harassment suit is necessary, let him file it. This is not your problem. Your problem is how YOU feel about what is going on. If you feel that his behaviour towards you is acceptable, then the matter is closed, from your point of view. If you have problems with him going back to using, and spending time with this woman, then you need to decide what your boundaries are, and enforce them.
You cannot protect your husband from a world full of drink and drugs. They will always be there, right within reach; there is a bar on every corner, and there are drugs as well as drink in every bar. If he is ever to get better, he needs to find a way to deal with this - you can not do it for him.
His behaviour is not your concern, your own is. How are you getting through this? Are you eating right, sleeping? Are you neglecting your responsiblities to others and to yourself in order to get caught up in this drama? I know how hard it is, believe me, I have been there. My husband always had a sob story to get me on his side, fighting for him. Meanwhile, he just drifted along, getting high.
One of the most important things I learned in alanon that my A's stuff is his own. I am not his mother, counselor, doctor or life coordinator. I cannot control what he does or who he sees.
I was in so much denial, feeling protective of him, cushioning him from his own consequences, this made it easier for his disease to take him over.
In the book, "Getting Them Sober" it explains how we must back off and take care of ourselves. When we babysit the A, we make ourselves sicker and his disease happier.
The disease is cunning, I know my A says and said horrible things about me to the gross people he is and was around. I don't care if he means it or not. I refuse to make excuses for him or explain why he is how he is. It is none of my business.
I refuse to allow the disease to make me sick too. i am no use to anyone sick.
It was a major load off me to concentrate on my own stuff, and allow him the dignity to take care of his own life.
Part of taking care of me is NOT taking care of his disease. i love my husband, but detach from the disease. He no longer has to feel guilty when he is sober becuz I don't have anything to do with the disease. i ignore it.
If I clean up his messes he will never learn to do it for himself. and I know for sure I would not want my spouse or anyone talking to someone else about my private business.
We can rationalize all we want as to what makes someone else, our A do, but we really have no idea. Their life is their own, just becuz they are A does not make it up to us to lord over them, or protect them.
I hope you continue in alanon. I recommend the above book.
Hello Mel, sorry your haveing a rough time right now -but its time to let that husband of yours take responsibility for his own crap. Staying for 4 days with another woman and leaving a wife home is just not acceptable. We cannot blame other people for choices our A's make. Yeah this is one sick lady no doubt-but the responsibility belongs with your husband.
Bringing clothes home bought by another woman takes alot of nerve. And u do have a right to be angry but please don't give him another out by blaming someone else for his behvior. Keep going to meetings - detach and give him enough respect to allow him to grow up and face his own responsibilities. good luck Louise
There used to be an old saying, that there were "fibs, lies, and then there were resumes". I have since changed that slightly, to my new saying that there are "fibs, lies, and then active alcoholism".
I don't believe your hubby's story for a minute. He is playing the 'victim' card to the n'th degree, and blaming everybody else for HIS problem. The difficulty is, in our weakened and sick state, WE end up believing their crap, and here you are almost ready to (so-called) "go to bat" for him, and file a harrassment suit against his boss??
Alcoholic and addicts drink and use because they are alcoholics and addicts. Before he ever finds sobriety, he will need to take responsibility for his own actions.
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
lin>>>>>>>>If you feel that his behaviour towards you is acceptable, then the matter is closed, from your point of view. If you have problems with him going back to using, and spending time with this woman, then you need to decide what your boundaries are, and enforce them.
rosie>>>>>>.boy reading this post reminds me of my EX b.f. we were engaged and he was a big drinker AND loved his pot...well i drank and smoked, but i controlled it....HE met this gal in a bar and she did the same thing to me...offered him his stuff, he SWORE he did not do anything with her, but when they are so messed up who knows???? all i know is it was unacceptable to me and i dumped him!!!!! he comes over to my house, all sorry and stuff and i just said *hey, this is not going to work...i have major trust issues, and this is not going to work* and this was before recovery.....too bad i kept repeating with the same jerks, until NOW i have learned after 19 months in recovery to love ME/ take care of ME/ and AS i love me these addicts do not turn me on....the *fixer uppers* i RUN from them.....i got my OWN crap to work on in life, i am not taking in anyone ELSES stuff........please take what works and leave the rest........PS....AS i learn to love me and respect me.....the price of admission to my life went WAY up!!!! i value myself more and more and tolerate less and less *unessary drama and bulls$%$" i am very tolerent IF the other is working hard to take care of himself, and his responsibilites and honour....if not???? i leave!!!!! take what works, leave the rest/ rosie
