The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I know that this group is not for advice, but I'm in a weird place and need some help. As you know from previous posts my A and I are currently separated while we both attempt to work through our own issues. We had not seen each other in some time and Saturday night was the first night we got together. He was supposed to go to an engagment party which would have been an all nighter, but didn't and we spent some time together had ice cream and talked. It went well. He asked to see me tonight and have dinner. Throughout the course of some of the conversations, I realized that he is still basing his sobriety on me. I have done all I can do to not be that, but still in his mind it is there. While discussing it tonight, he said that it is very hard doing it on his own, this is the first time in his life that he has tried to get sober without anyone in his life (woman, mother) and that it is incredibly difficult. I said well, it's also difficult for you to have someone that you resent for being in your life and be accountable to, I do not want to be that person, nor do I need to be that person. He said "I know it just makes it easier to have someone on my back"...again, I don't want to be that person and I'm not going to be that person. Finally, he said "I don't want to know that in the end that I didn't give this all I had and knowing that it was my fault" Bringing it back to our marrriage again. I was honest and told him, your choosing what you choose for you, and if you choose to use, that is your choice. I will not hate you for it, but I do not want you to do this for me or anyone else. It should be for you and if it's not stop trying. I love you, and I will never turn my back on you regardless of whether or not this marriage works out, but be honest with yourself and don't do this for the sake of getting back together. He said thank you and that he loved me and that this made it easier for him to talk to me and be honest with me. Did I do the right thing? I do not want him trying to do this for me. It's not worth it, it won't work and I will wind up in the same place. I'll be sad if he lets go, but at the same time I will know that it is the right thing.
WOW! You stuck to your boundaries! In the end he has to be accountable to him. If his recovery isn't for him, then it won't work. You let him know where you stood, in a very loving way it seems.
It is so hard, but you are right in the end it is his choice.
You were working your program. What an inspiration, thank you for sharing.
Much Love,
__________________
"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
There’s a quote read at some of the AA meeting I go to: ‘… You may think that your job or home life should come first, but if you don’t get sober and stay sober you may not have a family, job or even life itself. If you put other things in front of your sobriety, you’re only hurting your chances…” When I first came around I thought that that was a bit extreme. I got sober for no one else but myself and I believe it 100% today. Everyone has a different reason to start on the path to recovery; save a marriage or job, court order, please a family member, personal desperation. The reason behind the start is not as important as the reason to continue. And continuing is the key to recovery. I’ve accepted the fact that I am a real alcoholic and will be the rest of my life. If I base my continued recovery on someone or something else, what happens if that someone or something leaves my life? You did the right thing, although it may be tough for your A to see it right now. I stayed sober through a divorce because I didn’t get sober to save my marriage. I would have been doomed to failure if I had.
Unfortunately, you can’t get others to look through your eyes, you can only point out where to look and hope that they see things clearly.
Hang in there, it gets better.
Take a look at my last post if you want to see how unpredictable things can get.
He's right in one thing, he can't do it on his own, and he does need someone on his back to 'talk turkey' to him occasionally. That should not be you, though, it should be his AA group (or whatever program he chooses to help him through this) and his sponsor. If he isn't in a program, it will be a lot harder for him to sober up, and it's hard enough already. His fellow A's can give him the kind of support and help that you can't and shouldn't.
my A has been in (and out) of AA for about 3 1/2 years now. Whether or not he chooses to work the program, use his sponsor and do what he needs is on him. At this point in time he's saying things like "I don't want to live that life (of an active addcit) , but sometimes I'm bored, my mind plays tricks on me that I can have a drink without getting high, I can hang out and I know that I can't and I hate it". I can understand that. But I also don't want him doing all those things behind my back, lying a cheating and bullsh**ing the both of us. Go ahead, live your life. If you chose to do it high, I can chose to live without that in my life. It will be hard, I have a feeling it is going to go that way. And I'm sad. Please say a prayer for me.
I think that what you did and how you handeled your self was great and definately helps others to here the honesty. I have found that being honest is the best way, the only way.
In the end he has to be accountable to him. If his recovery isn't for him, then it won't work. You let him know where you stood, in a very loving way it seems.