Hope for Today - September 5

     The first slogans I heard were "Just for Today"
and "One Day at a Time."  I thought they applied to
other people, not to me.  It took Step Three work
and faith in my Higher Power to become honest.
    

#####ROSIE....i heard them,  but didn't "grasp"  the significence of them....what do you MEAN "just for today??"   and  "one day at a time???"   weren't we SUPPOSED to  work through the past/   hope for the future????  it wasn't until step 4 i realized ,  YES,  work through my horrendous pain,  BUT , in the meantime,  why NOT plant good seed today  so those "tomorows"  might have some hope?????   and yes,    "one day at a time"  made it easier for me to do this monumental task....if i thought  years of recovery  maybe i would have wilted....but  one day at a time...just do it  one day at a time,   breaking it down into increments,  my pain filled mind  could comprehend that....like  "put one foot in front of the other"    don't think of the  big picture,  just  stay in the "NOW"   but for me/  not being able to integrate with my own body and to  be disassociating / disconnected from the  "feeling" part of me this was more than what i thought it would be.......living  "odat"   would be a whole new way of life for me

 In Step Four I realized I was stuck in the past.
My daily thoughts were usually about plans for the
next day, week, or even month.  I always
anticipated tomorrow to the point where it
*became* my today.  I'd get so caught up in what I
was *going to do* that I often wasn't aware of
what I was doing *now*.
    

#####ROSIE..oh yeah,  stuck in the cesspool of hate/ resentment for my abuser.....reminating over my  losses which,  yes, were catastrophic,  but i just couldn't get OVER the  "hump of hate"   so i stayed in victim mode.......and my daily thoughts were if not bitching about how my past ruined the rest of my life,  i was  "hoping for the  next year my ship will come in"    "looking for the rainbow maybe tomorow"    and by doing this, i wasted many "nows"  where i needed to be planting good seed.....which is what i am doing now.......make my TODAYS good,  let tomorow worry about itself,   i need to get  through today....do what i can TODAY   sew my seed TODAY   and maybe tomorow will bring happiness,  and  in the past,  thinking of what life COULD be,  i was  not paying attention to what kind of seed i was sowing  NOW....its still something i have to MAKE myself do--- stay in the now,   but i can,  i do,  and i can enjoy

 After realizing this character defect and asking
my Higher Power to remove it, each day I have is
usually better than the one before.  I give thanks
for the little joys in each day.  I still make plans,
but I don't let my thoughts erase the present.
Anticipation is sweet, but not at the cost of today.
    

######ROSIE....i see my days getting better.....my REwriting -- REprogramming my mind is tremendous....i can enjoy my "NOWS"   and i can have fun / enjoyment  "just being with me"   this weekend was a great example,  i did NOT shop  did NOT blow money i didn't need to blow,  instead i gathered up stuff for the  hurrican survivors,   i swam,  watch the u.s.open tennis,  did my step work,   cleaned out my house BIG TIME....even my maid thought she had entered the wrong house.....the place looked like a thrift shop i has somuch stuff hoarded  "just in case i had a bad patch"   well i must be losing my fear   fear of lack,  cuz it was  enjoyable filling up my pick up truck  , LITERALLY,  with   stuff for the less fortunate......i stayed in the present,  admiring my good work, and how tidy my house looks like now.....SURE,  i make plans,   think of the better tomorows i am gonna hve,   but i  savor TODAY.....TODAY i am off work on the holiday   and i cut down some weeds,    i washed the dogs,   i am watching the tennis,   having a GOOD DAY  off!!!  

 When I look back on this in the context of
alcoholism, I understand why I behaved as I did.
With all of the awful happenings at home, there
were many todays I didn't want to experience.  As
a child I had limited options, so the best way to
escape was to flee into the possibility of a better
tomorrow. 

#####ROSIE....oh yeah  for me  the next "today'  might be my last....oh how i wanted to hit "fast forward"  on my whole LIFE and get   "out of that dungeon".....i lived for the tomorow i could RUN!!!!!  my escape was to isolate and fantasize ....i retreated to my "other life"  where i was happy and loved and joyful..... i couldn't WAIT to get  into my bedroom,   lock the door , and be in my "other world"    it was becomming an addiction for me,  cause i DID run,  MANY times,  beginning at age  10 or 11   and he would drag me back   over and over,   so what else could i do?????   he could imprison my body,   but not my dreams!!!  he could't take my "other world" away from me....so i became addicted to fantasy,  i was the escape artist,   body was in his house--- mind was elsewhere......

 I have different choices now.  I know
enjoying my day and doing the right thing for
myself and my Higher Power is the best plan for an
even better tomorrow.

######ROSIE......NOW i can  enjoy the day,   the bright sun,  the  slight breeze that feels good when i later choose to either play tennis or jump on trampolene,  and of COURSE the good swim afterwards,   but NOW???? i am having some fresh bottled water,  i am in my nice clean house,  my dogs just had their baths,  and its a  NICE day...perfect for my sports.......later on i'll get into my  "12 steps for codas"   and  "12 steps for acoas"   and work , i am revisiting step 4 now,   but right now, is where my mind is really at,  i can balance my plans  with what i am doing RIGHT  NOW.......and its great,  i do NOT have to fantasize to have any joy....i am making it now....

Thought for the Day
     Just for today I choose to enjoy all this day has
to offer.  If I don't like the offering, I'll ask my
Higher Power to help adjust my attitude.

      

######ROSIE.... yep,   soon as i send this post,  its back to the tennis on tv,,,,and a  good tasting strawberry smoothie with soy milk and soy powder.....beaten up to a thick chocolaty shake with the  bit of redness of the strawberries...but some ice in with it and you got a NICE thick shake with all the vitamins you need.......and yep,  if i am not  pleasuring with today,  i will STOP    and allow my higher self to work though me as right thinking.....

 "I will keep always in mind that *today* is my
       sole concern and that I will make it as good a
       day as I can."
             *One Day at a Time in Al-Anon*, p 79 
  ----------

#####ROSIE.....really TODAY is all i have right now....i mean right NOW is all i got...i want to make the best of it/  the most of it because  who knows i may not even BE HERE tomorow....life is so tentative,   so volatile,  i want to be a blessing each day,  make each day positive ,  as it does cut down a LOT on  having to do steps 8/9......mend my fences NOW....take care of my NOW's  so if i have tomorow,  it will be brighter because i   "lit the lamp"  today........thank you,  done......rosie