The material presented
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This is really hard and tearing me apart right now. My A found a job in a warehouse that he really loves. He has always worked in a restaraunt which is a nightmare for an A. I put his resume out after he came back from rehab and he didn't even know that I did. He got the warehouse job and it has been going really well until 2 weeks ago. He decided to not come home last Friday night and instead spent the night with a work friend because she had a get together for work at her home. You see, he has always been strictly a binge drinker because his drug of choice is pain killers, and of course he takes huge amounts of ephedrine daily. Anyway, he stayed at this girls house until Monday morning when he called and begged me to come and get him. She took care of him all weekend and provided his alcohol and cigs and food, she even offered to pay $200 so he could see a psychiatrist. She is well aware that he is an addict and now that he has a place to stay and drink, he leaves, takes off at will and drinks all he wants. I told the girl that she should not be getting involved in this and that she is enabling him. The last friend that gave him drugs and alcohol woke up one morning and found him nearly dead. This girl he works with is very nice but she is about 400lbs and he is using her so badly. She obviously is lonely and is hoping for more out of this than he. He is getting her all obsessed with him but when he came home he called her a studip fat pig that he used. I told him how mean that is.
He chose not to go to work last Monday instead writing a note to the girl and telling her that he needed some time to get himself back together. He came home and things were good for a couple days but he was sick about his job and the spot that he had put himself in. They had called me and wanted me to call and tell them what was going on. I called and told them that my husband is an addict/alcoholic and he can't be around it at all. She felt really bad and said that they would not have told him about the get-together if they had known. He went back to work and I thought that it was a learning thing for everyone involved.
Well yesterday I went to pick him up from work and they told me that he was sent home. I asked why and she went inside and got her supervisor that I had asked to speak to. The next thing I know my A walks by an open door, not knowing that I am there. I sent a girl in to tell him that I was there and would like to speak to him,he never came out. then the other girl comes back out and insists that he has been sent home and I told her that I just saw him and she kept lying for him. I waited for awhile and found out that he took off out the back door. They know the seriousness of the situation, I don't understand why he gets everybody involved like this and makes me look stupid to them. Who knows what he is telling them, that really hurts that he is shutting me out like this. It really affects my self esteem.
Of course he didn't come home last night and I am sure that he is with the work friend again. I know he wouldn't sleep with her but it still hurts so bad and I warned her that she was going to get hurt and that he was using her. She just doesn't comprehend it. When it is all said and done he will quit his job because of humiliation. It has happend before. Why am I always the one that is made to look bad when I have done nothing but take care of him and be at his beck and call for 11 years. He knows that he can't be away from the kids and I and stay clean. Being away from us causes him to drink/use drugs more because it hurts him so much to be away from us.
I wish these work people of his would understand that they are playing with fire. serious fire, but they are believing whatever he is telling them which I don't understand because he didn't pass their background check but someone knew his parents so they let him start anyway. He obviously is sober at work and I can't figure out why he has to lie and get everyone involved with what is going on in his personal life. Any thoughts would be appreciated.
It's so easy to get distracted by details. I am doing the same thing right now with a friend. Do you have a f2f meetig? If not it would help to find one. There has been a lot said on this board lately about the 3C's,
can't cause... can't cure... can't control
That goes for his co-workers as well. It is not them, it's him. He is using them like he uses you. All A/addicts do it and we play right into their hands. We get focused on all the little details and fight amongst ourselves while the A goes about his bussiness.
Have you ever read the Merrygoround of Denial? It's a good read and not too long. You can find it at any f2f or online.
Step back (I know it's hard) and look at the main issues. He is spending weekends at another woman's house, he is using, lying. Stop being the safty net. You are enabling. Sometimes you have to just pertend they don't exsist, just in the begining, to start living for you. I use to ask myself, "How would I live life if it were just the kids and I?" and do that. He might be sitting in the livingroom while I ask myself that but it gets me off my butt and living for me and not waiting for him to live for both of us because I use to do that.
Find a f2f and please keep coming back. It works if you work it.
