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Detachment without resentments is so difficult for me. My A was offerred a pending position as a supervisor with a local retail store. The money would have been great. Unfortunately, when they ran a background check his "other than honorable" discharge with the military came up and blew the job out of the water.
I'm trying to be consoling, but honestly I can't support all of us financially anymore. Basically I've been supporting this man for the three years I've been in relationship with him. He stayed home with our boys for the first 18months of their lives. Now, they're in preschool loving it and having a great time. Since I have known him in the last three and half years, he's gone through about 10 different jobs. I've worked steadily trying to make ends meet. Meanwhile, he's demanding and arrogant about money. We fight every pay period about how much money I can spare so he can buy beer, cigarettes whatever it is he needs. He has blown so much money in the past. People have felt sorry for him and given him money to get his driver's license back, he blows it... His answer today was, " I just need to go to school and learn something new". My answer, "o.k. but we still need to make the bills this month". He immediately got defensive and angry, he began screaming at me that there is nothing he can do anymore and he doesn't need me adding to his problems. I let him know gently that when he wanted to stop screaming at me I'd listen.
He called back later to apologize, in the moments I had to calm down I realized that it doesn't matter what job he gets, nothing is permanent, nothing is solid or secure. If I continue to wait for this ship to come in I could be waiting forever. My only solution to keep my head above water financially is to get a second job. I'm pissed about this, getting a second job means I don't get to see my kids at night and the weekends are shot. I let my A know that he needed to take care of himself and his children, and I need to do what I have to do to make it. My anger is seething at him, I envy people who can be patient with this type of unacceptable behavior. I realize the disease is more than just the drinking, it's the mindset and the patterns of living and coping that destroy the person as well. I just hate what that means for me and my kids. I really don't know how not to be angry at this person or be loving and detached at the same time. He says he won't allow himself to give up, it's just outright frustrating carry my load as well as his financially, it's my name that gets dragged through the mudd not his. Just venting here
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
They all have plans....but my A never follows through. Actually he has a good union job but I think that is only because in his mind...he can not possibly be an alcoholic because he can hold down a job. That is about all he does. He has recently decided that we need to work as a team with the boys still living at home, I have now reached a point that I have realized that I have been a "married" single mom for quite a few years, and I think I want to keep it that way. I have decided that I will find another job with better pay and benefits. Like today, my A is home, there is so much house matience to be done but I know when I get home he will be gone with his friends and there will be dirty dishes in the sink and he will not have done anything. It's so sad, they will not realize what they have until they don't have it anymore. Hang in there.
I sympathize with you - I feel the same feelings that you have mentioned towards my alcoholic husband. He has a job, but only with his family's business, and when he got out of jail recently(was there for 5 months), his dad cut his pay nearly in half because the business wasn't doing very good, and he didn't have his driver's license (not til Jan. 2008 )! We have a small moving business as well, but that income now has to make up for what he isn't making at the family business. I just feel so frustrated, but I know I can't make him do things differently.
I just wanted to say I know what you're going through. Hang in there -
I have to say that I am resentful also and have detached. I don't think I will totally have peace until my A begins to take care of himself which he refuses to do. He doesn't seem to care that he is hurting the rest of us through his actions/choices. That makes me angry. He has spent so much money on smoking and alcohol.
I do hope that you don't have to take a second job on wkends. That seems soooooooo unfair to you and the time spent with your children. I will pray that you make the right decisions to take care of you and your family. May God bless you, Annie
He says he won't allow himself to give up, it's just outright frustrating carry my load as well as his financially, it's my name that gets dragged through the mudd not his. Just venting here
)! We have a small moving business as well, but that income now has to make up for what he isn't making at the family business. I just feel so frustrated, but I know I can't make him do things differently.