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I hear a lot of you saying that you are completely independent from your "A"'s and I know it would be easier if I were too, but how? I am a house wife and I have one child and another on the way. He makes the money and if he looses his job, we go down with him. I handle the books and I have thought of starting a bank account that he doesnt know about at another bank for a rainy day. Should I do that? And other than that, what do I do? Is it money that makes someone independent? I feel like I have so much trouble with not letting things that he does bother me because we depend on him so much. And that scares the crap out of me, when he's drunk and pathetic, I look at him and think (this is the man that hold our lives in his hands). He works so hard and we are very fortunate but he has a job where our money comes from commissions. So if he's not working, we arent eating. And that hasnt happened yet, but ya never know with this disease. I always thought that he wouldnt let it get that bad, but in the past few months it's gotta worse to a point where I never thought it would. Everything is slowly getting affected and I just wonder when the money will get affected too. Well thanks for listening and any advice you can give about becoming independent is appriciated.
Kimmie..sometimes being independent means knowing and understanding your options. I call it a "Plan B" sorta speak. I am by no means financially independent on my husband, but I am emotionally independent knowing that by working my Program, doing the leg work and knowing IF something would happen to "us"...what could/would I do to support me and my three children.
Money wise I would hurt if it wasn't for my "A", I work, but he makes more. For me the freedom comes from knowing that I don't need him, I have lived without him, and can do it again. He knows this, and I know this. That is my freedom!
Much Love,
__________________
"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
Kimmie what a good topic. What is independence? For me, it is knowing that I will be OK regardless of anyone else's behavior. It is up to me. It is the promise of alanon. not just OK, I can be happy. That is up to me. So much so that I have experienced long stretches of unbounded happiness in the midst of an unrecovered alcoholic. Along the way, I have a better link to my higher power. I am better at taking care of myself regardless of how others may want me to behave. Good luck Jill
(((kimmie))) bless your heart, being pregnent with this hanging over your head
i was married to an "a" too, and i made SURE my money was in a separate account, i took classes in bookeeping and got my cert , which is like most of a aa degree and i worked...i didn't have any kids by him because i was lucky , i guess....anway, i protected "my stuff" by keeping my car separate....my check account separate.....if i had had kids with him, i would hae STILL taken classes, i would do EVERYthing i could to take care of me/ "cover my butt" as they say...because the last thing we can depend on is an addict....my mother was a good woman at heart, but when she made promises, it was "if shes sober?? ok-- if drinking??? foget it" i learned at an early age not to trust, to depend only on me.......NOW i still rely on taking care of my own needs, but i have since embraced a higher power, my "christ within" who works through me, i also learned that "god takes care of those who take care of themselves" its like WE have to do the "leg work--the obvious stuff" and than turn over what we cannot handle........i am so sorry you are in this situation with a child and pregnant with another, and i cannot willnot give advice cause only you can know what is best, i can only tell you what i did, what i did to cover myself/ prepare myself to taking care of me......i feel for expectent mothers who are in such insecure circumstances.....my heart and prayers go out to you...........peace/ rosie
