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I've posted quite a bit before about my A husband. He's been in rehab twice since March.
Repeated relapses and they get worse and worse. Has not worked since March. Recently went to rehab and started a job(he has always worked steadily before) and went out that night and has binged since.
I asked him to leave on Fri and he did. I don't know where he is or with whom he's staying. I've repeatedly helped him find rehabs, counselors, etc but he fails to follow through and relapses. I've allowed him to stay in the house while he pursues "recovery." He has spent so much money--it's just unreal.
I hired an attorney in June but have not followed through completely with the filing of divorce.
With this last binge and the understanding that he is completely out of cash and credit and doesn't seem ready for recovery, I contacted the attorney and have an appt tomorrow to file divorce and set a court date to have him declared unfit as he will not assist in the refinancing of our home or sale of rental property. I need to refinance the house as I am unable to afford the present mortgage on my salary alone.
Here's the question. He just called and said "I'm dying, I need help, please help me" I told him I've helped him as much as possible and he has to help himself, he knows I'm seeing the lawyer.
I'm tired of getting him into a program, only for him to not follow through. I can't even get to f2f meetings because I don't have a babysitter and yet he is allowed all the time possible to proceed with recovery (aa, meetings, IOP, counseling).
Is this a manipulation attempt on his part??? He parties for days---do you think any of his party buddies think he is "dying?"
One thing I know, I'm keeping the appt tomorrow---and he's not coming back to the house.
Stay strong..it isn't going to be easy, but then again life is not easy. It is good recognize when you're being manipulated...makes your reactions that much more clear. Take care.
Mom to 2, I don't know what I would do in your situation except I agree that you need to take care of yourself and your family. It seems like you have done so much already in your relationship with your A and that he has not followed through. If he is dying, he obviously knows from experience how to go about getting help. How can one really keep one from dying if they are dying--perhaps, he should drive himself to the hospital.
Keep taking care of you and your two children. Love and blessings, Annie
Hello Mom , I think all of us know when we have done all we can to help and that we are done. Only u know if the time is right for you only u know what u can and cannot live with. Many yrs ago my hsb and I were in the same position you are right now. I felt that he was going to die if I left him out there alone, we had been seperated for 6months at the time. i called an AA friend of mine and told h im I couldnt let him go thru that alone and my friend reminded me that I had two choices , that i could bring him home and watch him die or I could leave him where he was and maybe he wouldnt . Hardest decission i ever made but I left him where he was,I knew that I could not live the way we had been ever again . I was done.
My husb didn't die and he did hit his bottom a few months later, he stopped drinking came home and slowly we have made our relationship work. that was `15yrs ago. There are no guarantees but I do know that if we keep saving them from them selves nothing will ever change. It's ok if u take him back that is your decission no one has the right to tell u what to do. this is your life and you have a right to live it the way u choose.
The only thing that comes to mind is....Stick to your boundaries, if you recognise it as manipulation the treat it as such. Nothing changes if nothing changes right. Only you know him and can recognise the cycle of events and only you can change you and the way that you handle the situation. I know you know this all but the support of your friends reinforces what you already know for your self.
No one but your "A" and his HP can truly know what is in his heart. It could be manipulation, or it could be him truly reaching out. You need to do what is best for you and your children, not what is best for him. You were correct he is the only one that can help him.
Stick to your boundaries. You never know, you could follow through with your plan and this could be the best thing for him. Pray, pray alot!
About the babysitter, is there someone you trust at your meetings that you can ask for help? When I am in need I reach out my group. Even if I can't get to an F2F, I end up with phone calls from alanon members, or visits, but usually some understanding person who has been in my shoes offers to watch my kids so that I can get to aleast one meeting.
Your in my prayers!
Much Love,
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
