The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My A has been starting his drinking now about 1:00 p.m. until 2 a.m. just about every day unless he doesn’t feel well and then he moans and groans about how he is near death anyway. (He also has emphysema). (He is retired.) He basically only eats something (and then it is very little) when I fix it for him, and he decides he wants to eat.
I told him the other day when he wasn’t feeling well (surprise, surprise) that I would not “help” him when he is sick because he needs to stop drinking (gee, how many times have I said that) or, if he chooses not to stop, only go to the bar a couple of nights a week. He agreed. Well, needless to say…
The circle began again…he felt better so off to the bar with a promise to be home in a couple of hours…only to come in drunk three days in a row…
My problem is that I want to withdraw from the situation completely and let him be—which means he will probably not eat anything and only drink. If I fix him meals, I feel like I am the one doing all the giving, continually, taking care of him, waiting on him, etc., seeing the food spoil in the frig because he hasn’t touched it. I work full time and assume just about all of the household responsibilities. He does nothing.
I feel guilty about watching him destroy himself…a highly educated person who once had so much to offer, now totally destroying himself.
How do the rest of you handle this when you are living with an active A? Do you totally “take care of you” or because you are the healthy (?) one, do you continue to give to the A? Thank you for your input.
As hard as it is, if my A misses dinner, he misses dinner. He's a grown man and I am not his Mamma or his keeper. The idea of not enabling, in this case making sure he eats, is to allow them to "hit bottom" on their own by their own actions. If it takes illness to bring them to their knees, so be it.
It sounds heartless but it really is the most caring thing we can do for them. When we enable them, we are only making it easier for them to continue drinking in the same pattern. That pattern has to change for them to look at themselves. Sometimes the change is jail sometimes it is illness. But something has to CHANGE.
Nothing changes, if nothing changes..
Do you go to meetings in your area? If not, please do that for yourself. You will understand the program and it's purpose, meet wonderful new friends and get much needed support. Make time for yourself. It's a great place to be while he's in the bar :)
Meet your own needs and take care of you :)
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
My husband too is a drinking A. I too feel like i am the one taking care of him... doing all the giving and never having anything to take back (at least nothing positive!!!) i try not to take care of him but nothing would get done unless i did it. I am trying not to take care of him except for the meals i make for my family..... i try to leave the rest up to him... and yes he is failing in many ways. he is unhappy, his health is definately starting to fail but i cannot help him unless he starts to help himself. I must be strong and do what is best for me and my children. I must keeep on doing what is best for me and hopefully one day my a will see the light and start to change himself.
Good luck and remember to be stong and work the program.
Thanks, Christy, for your reply. I just feel so guilty--like I am aiding in his demise--but your post brought peace to me as I read it. I do feel like an enabler.
No, I don't go to face-to-face meetings. To be totally honest, I don't like speaking in front of a group, and I am afraid of the commitment that one takes on when they join an organization.
My 99-year-old is living with us, and she can't be left alone for long in the evenings. But...the thought of joining has certainly been crossing my mind.
Thanks, Sandie, for your reply. It does make me feel better to know I am not alone in my struggle in dealing with my A. The major pain comes with my not "ever" seeing his beautiful spirit and knowing that he is destroying himself through his choices. I do feel helpless. He doesn't believe any of us when we tell him that.
My love and prayers to you and your family in dealing with the alcoholic, Annie
The only commitment with Alanon is to you and you alone. There is no "joining". If it makes you feel more at ease, you do not have to speak at all. You may just sit and listen At the beginning of my meetings they pass around a sheet with the steps and traditions on them. People take turns reading them BUT, you are not required to do so and can just "pass" it on to the next person. I did for the first several meetings. All I did is sit and listen and everyone was fine with that. They understand your situation, truly, as no others can. Many that come in to the meetings sit and cry throught the whole thing, we so understand that too. There is no judgement, no expectations there. Please don't let any of your speaking fears stop you. You speak when you want. If you don't feel like it, you certainly aren't required to.
Take care (((Annie))) Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Hello Annie, when I read your post today Iwas taken back to the final drinking days in our home not eating etc. my part in that was to continue to cook meals as usual and if he ate it great and if he didn't let it go. I had to stop lecturing about his drinking and detach from what he was doing. Detachment dosent mean to not care , it simply means to not allow myself to get caught up in making sure he eats , sleeps etc.
My husb was a cronic alcoholic at the end drank 24-7 , Stepping aside and allowing them the dignity to live or die the way they choose is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, and hope I never have to do it again. There is always hope keep the focus on your own life and improving it on a daily basis while he carries on with his. He is only doing what alcoholics do DRINK expecting anything else at this stage is insanity on our part. I always forgot that my hsb had a HIGHER POWER too and that he would do what he had to do .
I hope you are going to meetings for youself , and try and pick up a detachment pamphlet it is a awsome piece of literature. and will help you alot. good luck Louise
I had to ask myself over a year ago, while I was taking care of my A's basic needs, dinner etc. "who is taking care of me" the answer hurt. Because there is no one taking care of me. I made a decision to start taking care of me. If I make dinner and my A is not there, oh well. He has resorted to stopping and picking up $1 burgers. He has high cholesterol, last count 264! I buy healthy food if he chooses not eat it I can't do anything about it. He is bi-polar and doesn't take his meds regularly; he drinks and uses cocaine on top of it. I can't control these things. As hard as it sounds, I have had to detach. My counselor (I was charged last year with domestic violence, I threw a phone at him when he was drunk) I see for that charge said that it is not good to interrupt someone else’s "reaping what they sow" I don't know why, but that has really stuck. I have days when it's harder then others, but I try to remind myself that my A has to suffer his own consequences, just like I have had to.
Thank you all for your input. Your posts were all very helpful. I have saved them to my file in order to read when I start feeling guilty. It is very difficult to step aside and watch your loved one destroy himself without wanting to help. Love and blessings to you all. Annie
