Hope for Today - August 29

     My mother's behavior was my original reason for
joining Al-Anon.  She was the first and most
important alcoholic in my life.  A talented and
creative woman, . 

#####ROSIE...well she AND the perp   but mostly it was MY illness   MY need to help/ heal ME...that got me into 12 steps...my life was NOT working,  and i was beaten down!! i had hit bottom......yeah, i guess my mother was the first and most important alcoholic in my life....she was gorgeous/ cherokee with the  dark good looks and the wonderful athletisism , wonderful auburn hair, thick and course/  an artist and soprano  who could sing the birds out of the trees.....it was so sad to see her throw it all away with a bottle of  seagrams....

As I grew older,
her drinking became more obvious as did the wall
she erected between herself and the rest of the family.
    

######ROSIE....as i grew older , my anger/ resentment towards her knew no bounds....she was so trashed she didn't even stop the incest going on...she was too drunk...too imersed in her spiritual and emotional hell,  in chains  to the booze and her sick inability to get RID of him....she became more and more isolated from her family and her friends,   the chasm widened with each passing year and that many more bottles of booze.....i didn't know the woman anymore....in the old days during the holidays you could hear her soprano voice dellighting the entire household,  the smell of her cooking wafted through the house.. as the years went by the singing finally stopped...there would be no more wonderful smells of roasts and pies.....just the clinking of ice in the glass...and sometimes she didn't even bother with the ice...she would just tip the bottle to her lips and one could hear an occasional caugh as 80 proof slushed down her gullet, numbing her senses.....i backed off from her more and more...we all did....i wonder if she even  noticed how alone she was......

 By the time I came to Al-Anon, my mother was
living alone and isolated, although apparently not
drinking.  The effects of the family disease of
alcoholism continued to invade our relationship,
however, until I finally began to detach from her
with love. 

#######ROSIE....before i got into recovery,  my still  beautiful mother had drank herself to death at age 56 ..she was still beautiful even though ravaged by the booze as she lay in her casket..i saw a peace on her face that was unfamiliar!!.....i will BET the  remourse/shame over  not only her alcoholism, but her abandoning me during the abuse, was too much for her to bare.....she was basically a good spirit...she really cared about young people/ wanted to help them,  and yet she TOTALLY failed to save me, her own flesh and her likness in looks,   with the exception of my blonde hair and light skin, i look just like her,  got a LOT of her characteristics....she was a singer/  i a writer----she was an artist/ i an actor  (when i used to star in diferent children's classics all over new england at the ages of 9, 10 and 11 , she LOVED sitting in the audience and watching the people throw money and flowers  at me and my male co-star  when the performance was over)  for a while it looked like she could live through me and maybe not drink-- but that didn't happen....its hard for me to talk about this period in my life because i was happy with her then-- i remember she would spend HOURS with the curling iron,  curling my  course / straight hair...she used to tease me that even for a cherokee blood, i had hair like iron!!!! when we would go to the theater, she looked gorgeous!!! a pretty dress,  her bronze tan and lithe body looked good in all her clothing, and  JUST the right amount of makeup  and the red lipstick and a "whisper" of light perfume...AND she was sober....she managed to not drink....it was happy for me...i was in heaven!!! i was becomming a sought after child actor and i had my beautiful mom  SOBER and with me!!!!   it was great  being applauded by the audience and loved by my mother....she would clip and save the news paper write ups about our sucessful play...i always had the lead female role and the boy who played opposite me?? he was a beautiful blonde boy named   carlie and we were kind of  *in love*  between plays my mother would take me over to his house and we would play with his hampsters and play *husband and wife* in his tree house while  mom and his mom would gush over how talented we were...........than the unthinkable happened!!!   the perp put a stop to my being a  "low life actor"  so no more theater!!! no more ballet lessons to help me walk gracefully and keep my body limber.....and than i gave up the piano as well......i was 11 years old and my world was over!!!!  mom began drinking REAL heavily and the brakes on her demise were off...my hate/resentment for her grew and didn't stop until decades later...........now i am in recovery  and now i see her as the poor pathetic/broken woman who just had NO chance!!!!   posthumously i can detach from her with compassion and maybe even some love.....she  

 I stopped trying to help her take care of
herself, which also stopped the fights we had.  I put
the focus on myself, realizing that in my disease I
didn't know where my mother ended and I began.
Finding out who I was, apart from my mother, was
my first Al-Anon challenge.
    

######ROSIE....i stopped hating the bad parts of her....the parts i didn't understand...i began , SLOWLY to look at who she was  BEFORE the alcohol took her away from me......now i focus on myself and my recovery....i have worked THROUGH the pain she caused me by her drinking.....its like i absorbed her  pain/ misery/ hoplessnes....i remember towards the end she was SO angry  SO hopless  SO unhappy and somehow i absorbed HER karma as well as my own......so its like i was an extension of her ,  a lightenig rod for her to crawl down me......NOW i know WHO i am or am learnng who/what i am, and it is apart from her....i walked my OWN path,  i write my OWN song.....i am focused on ME,  not those two......

 In those early days detaching with love from my
mother meant setting limits on our face-to-face
contact.  For more than a year, our only
communication was through notes sent by mail and
gifts dropped off without seeing one another.  This
is what I needed for recovery at the time.
    

#####ROSIE....NOW i have , after her death, been able to "detach with compassion and even some love".....i can pray for the repose of her soul and be sincere about it....i can remember the good....not just my acting career cut short,  but i remember how she could  shinny up a tree faster than me till i was about 21...and what a tought little wrestler!!! ....i was at LEAST 20 before i could "take her"   she was wiry...we would get on our bikes and now mind you, she was in her young  50's , i was in my young  20's  and that little lady could  fly on that bike....she loved going around on her  24"  cruiser...it was funny to watch...even funnier when she would  beat my friends in a race...i think she knows that i have forgiven her...i do believe that god tells the dead that their loved ones have come to the point where they can forgive....why not???? why WOULDNT god tell her???   i am past that now....i defeated the evil for her AND me.......the perp defeated her but i defeated him.....through my "christ within" and the 12 steps.....i WON!!!!   i got the victory!!!  and i will share it with her.....

Today my mother and I have an honest and loving
relationship based on mutual respect for each
other's boundaries.  When we speak, I keep the
focus on myself and share my experience, strength,
and hope rather than telling her what to do.  My
recovery has become healthier and stronger, as has
my relationship with my mother.  This is the miracle
of Al-Anon in my life.

######ROSIE....well mine is dead,  but if she were alive,  i don't know what/ how i would do/feel,  we never got to talk about "the evil"   we never shared our feelings about it....she was gone  WAY gone before i was able to get into recovery.....but maybe i could tell her  about it/ keep the focus on me and how it hurt me.....i would definitely  keep the focus on me/  how it impacted me,   what i expected/wanted from her....but there would be no fingers pointed...not insults and accusations...i would just tell her  what all the shit did to me...my  "posthumous"  relationship with her has improved....i replace the hate for her  with love for me and the good that was in her........i replace the resentment for her with compassion for her plight.......i am delivered from  hate/resentment   with  love/appreciation for me and my strenght and willingness to get INTO recovery and to align myself with my higher power......

Thought for the Day
     Detachment helps me set limits and untangle
myself from the other people in my life.

      

######ROSIE....yes,  detachment from  HER karma which was hers,  looking only at me/mine....even tho i was the most resembling of her, i am my OWN person...writing my OWN life song....on my OWN recovery path.....

 "Choosing to set boundaries and create wellness
       for ourselves is our primary responsibility . . ."
             *From Survival to Recovery*, p. 204
  ----------

#######ROSIE....the INSTANT  i turned to my higher power and the 12 steps--- i WON!!! i overcame!!! i became FREE!!!!  i became free to be me/ to love me/ to accept me AS I AM!!!!!  thank you   DONE