The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi!! i am rosie, codependent and ACOA...below are MY shares on the "hope for today" and "days of healing" daily messeges...look for me after my ########
Hope for Today - August 28 Before Al-Anon, I had a false sense of self.Because of their diseases, my alcoholic father and my mother weren't ableto help me, either. As I grew up it seemed that myparents couldn't see me at all.
#######ROSIE....oh how i WISH that was true for me (invisible to them) but unfortunately i was NOT invisible to him....however my feelings/ my wants/ my needs were completely invisible....i was an object-- nothing else
I felt invisible andvoiceless. I had no idea of my likes and dislikes, letalone what I would or would not accept in arelationship. I felt empty inside. When there didseem to be something inside me, it felt like someoneelse's experience.
######ROSIE....i was too visible for the physical/sexual abuse, and too INvisible when it came to what i needed/wanted/felt....i shut down my emotions-- my feelings my senses....i had to in order to survive..otherwise i would have been a statistic on the obituaries or another number in the insane asylums....so in a sense i had to make the "essence" of me invisible to the evil......as it went on, i suffered the ultimate!! TOTAL loss of self/ god/ relationship with life.....i had no IDEA who/ what i was let alone express any of it....relationships???? i had No sense of self/ boundaries/ self protection etc.....i was carved out like a halloween pumpkin...all someone had to do was stick a candle in my mouth and sit me on someones porch..the emptyness of me would have accomated a hundred candles.....the only emotions i remember EVER feeling were fear and TONS of anger that would explode from out of no where.....something would trigger me and i was a volcano!!!!
Al-Anon changed all that. I heard suggestionssuch as "Keep the focus on yourself," and, "Takeyour own inventory instead of someone else's."These ideas perplexed me. Who was I? I didn'tknow myself. The person I knew was the teenagermy mother considered a burden. My father criticized me incessantly. There had to be more tome than that.
#######ROSIE, keeping the focus on the most total stranger i knew---ME!!! was very dificult...i mean if i were to write a letter to myself, i wouldn't know whom i was addressing or what to say...but i plugged on, i persevered, i "faked it till i maked it" and little by little the barb wire and concrete around my heart/feelings began to come down, leaving me raw and hypersensitive for a while, but as i "thawed" i began to feel i began to have a "sense of me" and i began to want to "know me" "shake hands with and MAYBE even like and love me".....yes, i HAD to be more than the "way ward child " my mother said i was and the "bitch--failure" my perp called me....there HAD to be more to me.....why did other people see good in me if it wasn't there???? conflicting messages sent to me........they (parents) couldn't STAND me, i was too nuts/ too mentally/emotionally ill for my older siblings to want much to do with me.... so who WAS i???? i could so relate to the reruns of the 1950's western "lone ranger" he is riding off on his big white horse, and the people are standing there in amazement and asking "who WAS that masked man???" well i was a person of 1,000 masks, trying so desperately to look normal, to fit in, ANYwhere, appear functional and i did it!!! i had everyone fooled into thinking i was "ok--sort of distant, but nice, fun, good spirit" and inside i was asking the big ???--- who and WHAT am i???? in 12 steps, i found out!!! bit by bit-- piece by piece--- as i picked up the shards of my persona, one by one, some sections were big, easy to see, other pieces were small, i STILL discover things about me, i am STILL "getting to know me" ...i AM a work in progress!!! a huge construction job where the damage was so massive, i had to use the wrecking ball of the 12 steps to demolish the old , rat infested structure that i once was and tear it down-- than rebuild me from the core on out....it is an enormous job!!! but i am doing it!!! ONE brick at a time......
By working the Steps, especially the first four, Icame to know who I am.
####ROSIE...oh boy!!! and HOW!!! when i worked step FOUR, i cried 14 straight hours the first time i began the MASSIVE discovery and the thawing of my emotions.....the next time a month or so later, it was at LEAST 10 hours of straight crying, than less and less...and i still get times where i want to cry....step 4 nearly tore me apart!!! SEEING the damage first hand.... like flying in a helilcopter over this massive plane crash, you see from your helicopter miles and miles of nothing but PIECES!!!!! big ones, small ones, some so squashed you dont' even recognize them, and some still burning from the crash while others are burried three feet deep in the ground from the impact......step 4 (inventory) was awful but oh so necessary...i knew i had to walk THROUGH the pain to get to the otherside...there are No shortcuts in this recovery work....its all grunt work...one step at a time.....
In Step One I experiencedmyself as someone who insanely tried to controlalcoholism but couldn't. I came to know mypowerlessness.
#####ROSIE....step one for me was "i am powerless over my life---it is NOT working---i want to die!!!! its time to give UP"
In Step Two, I considered theexistence of and possible help from a Power mysenses couldn't define. I came to know my God as Iunderstand Him/Her;It.
######ROSIE, with my hate and distrust for god (blaming him for abandoning me during abuse) i used step two as "ok my way is not working....i don't know what YET, but there HAS to be a better way to live this disaster of a life" i was not ready to embrace any god as yet...that would come later, in the meantime??? the program would be my higher power....
In Step Three I experienced my yearning to trust that Power, who was greater than me. I came to know my surrendered self.
######STEP three is the "surrender" part and to this day the word "surrender" triggers me...reminds me of having to "surrender" to my perp, it feels like i am "giving up myself" and having the "me" of me taken away by such evil, "giving me up" again, triggers me...so i call it the "detachment" step the "aligning myself with my higher power" step, the "cooperating with my higher power and the universe" step...this is the only way i can grasp a higher power...i am still keeping me, still retaining the "who i am" but i am in "alignment" and "cooperating" with my higher power AS I UNDERSTAND it......THIS way, i can detach/ turn over that which i have no power over.......it works for me....its so funny i have no problem embracing Christ and his work here for us (cross/resurrection) and his "male" gender, i don't know why, but i could always relate to him....perhaps its because HE felt abandoned by god as WELL as he hung on the cross dying, i don't know...but a "male" gender god and ESPECIALLY a "father" god just makes me cringe.....its easy to see why!!! so i work it to make me comfortable....i am sure the "source" as i call it understands.....
And inStep Four I experienced my ability to define myselfrather than let others do the job. I came to know me.
######ROSIE....yeah, step 4....my awakening the discovery of how MUCH work i had to do to put me back together again.....NO way NO how could i have done it on my "own steam" so i KNOW there IS a benevolent/ loving/ caring/ omnipotent "source" of energy in the universe who "powered me along" working THROUGH me we did it!!! and are STILL doing it....just when i think "ok, i got it THIS time" i learn yet another lesson that makes me stand a teeny bit taller in the measurments of recovery.....
Days of Healing Days of Joy by Earnie Larsen and Carol Larsen Hegarty
"Pain is telling us that something is wrong, that we need to behave differently, that what hurts must be fixed.
######ROSIE....well in my "BR" days (before recovery) , pain told me i was alive!!!! if i didn't feel pain...i would have to take my pulse to see if there WAS one!!!!!
It isn't normal to feel lonely, fearful, enraged, or lost all the time. If that's the way it is for us, then we need to talk to a friend, to read, and to meditate--to do whatever it takes to pry open the doors of our minds until we understand that pain should not be the norm."
######ROSIE....see to me??? it was normal to feel alone/ scared/ totally raging/ empty....to me life was someting to be endured/ and IF your lucky you survive it....i was on the edge!!! day to day the ??? was "well am i gonna make it or not???" and the sad part was i didn't care!!!!! now pain is productive....walking through the garbage to get to the other side.....i am going through the "giving birth" process of my own self...some times the labor pains are so bad i have to take a "time out" and relax, than its pushing and grunting some more!!! but in the end, i will have a brand new me
With the help of our Higher Power and other adult children of alcoholics (our members), pain shall not be the norm! It is through sharing what we are feeling that we help each other. Thank you for sharing.
######ROSIE.....so true....sharing/ being BELIEVED and accepted AS I AM.....knowing i am not alone, and that i am understood, i don't feel like "god was out to get me" i don't feel alone.....going to a chat meet or talking with my sponser is like a "home comming" to me.....thank you DONE-------- peace to all!!! rosie
Thank you for that post-- it was AWESOME to hear your self-analysis, as I thought I was the only one that did that as deeply as you. Your writing is full of powerful emotions that can touch anyone emotionally-- anyone that's willing to feel emotions that is...
hey sanddie thank YOU for telling me that i am not the ONLY one who does the self analysis thing....yep, we are true about our wanting to heal.....life does not have to be a life sentence...you know once we get "ok with ourselves/life" we can maintain it!!!!! thanks SO much for your note.......HUGSSSS and blessings, rosie
