The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Yesterday my A called upset about the fact that I had told my stepdaughter's mother that he had spent all of her savings ($500) which was her communion money. I asked him about it a few days before and he told me he had spent it a while ago when we were in Florida, which to me was no excuse. (and not necessarily an excuse that I believe). He hung up on me and now I have not heard from him. He had passed a comment that I was just continually looking to hurt him, which after I thought about it was true. Although upset that he would do this to a ten year old, I also knew that it is my cycle to notify the world of his antics. I do not want to do this anymore. I am sad today b/c I want to be able to tell him that, but can't. Today feel somewhat weaker and I have been missing him. He has been gone for two weeks now and I have not seen him. I'm not necessarily consumed with where he is and what he's doing (a positive thing) but it does cross my mind. Just needing a bit of support today.
((((((((((((((Kim)))))))))))))))) Super Duper hugs for you during this difficult time.
Been there done that and I understand how you feel.
I too used to tell others whenever "A" husband did something like this, something shocking.
It was my way of saying "SEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He REALLY IS SICK!!!! ONLY A SICK PERSON WOULD DO SOMETHING SO HORRIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE HELP ME HELP HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!".
I had plenty of shocking stories to tell too...his family looked at me like I had two heads.
I don't think anyone who doesn't lives with an "A" will ever understand the insanity we live with...
I am sorry you miss him and that is good that you no longer think of him as much.
Hmmm...
I think you were right that it was perhaps not the best to tell mom of stepdaughter about money, let's try to give him the benefit of the doubt that he would have put the money back into her account eventually, before she missed it...we can hope...
I just hope things get better for you, sounds like you are working hard on recovery.
More hugs for you (((((((((((((((Kim))))))))))))))))).
TY Isabela it is so nice to hear when other people have been in the same situation and have done the same things! (((((HUGS)))) back to you! My inlaws also think I am insane for the millions of phone calls I have made. I am past the anger of, "see he is sick and doing all of this to me" (which last about two to three days) and am now trying to move on. ( I have not called them in two weeks) Somedays are worse than others..for example when his cell phone bill came in I couldn't help but go through it with a fine tooth comb....the bank statement (which is not ours, only his) was something else I investigated to "prove" my intuitions correct. That lasted another couple of days. I was so surprised yesterday that for once I heard what he was saying. I was acting in anger. I didn't feel as justified. Now I'm sad b/c I want to be able to tell him. I will not call his uncle's house (that is where he is staying) b/c I don't want to deal with them. They have a tendency to ignore the calls (will not pick up when I call) and I have a difficult time with that and don't want to feel that pain. So, I will go to the movies instead with some friends and try to work through this. Thanks for listening.
I think I stopped with telling all the stories because at some point I got sick of hearing myself talk and knew that my complaining gets old for other people and myself.
At some point, I faced that I couldn't stop him.
He still makes me mad.
When he does something particularly vile, I sometimes have to vent. But I don't run to people with every story. Telling the stories won't make things change. Only I can make things change for myself.
Try not to beat yourself up. Do something comforting for yourself today. We learn from failure...our growtn is seldom from success.
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Take what you can use and leave the rest...seeking tranquilityand offering what comfort I can...Claire
When I truly need to vent about the actions of my "A", I go to a meeting, I call someone in alanon, I call my sponsor, I come to this board, or I go itno the chat room. I reach out to people I can trust to listen to me, help me work on myself, and it won't hurt my "A".
It took me many many times of hurting my "A" to figure that out. It might work for you.
Much Love,
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
