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I didn't believe that he had stopped drinking. He had promised me months ago that he had stopped. I had told him that I would divorce him if he continued to drink and he wrote a contract swearing that he would not ever drink again.
Tonight I have searched the house and have found the bottles.
I don't think I can express in words the depth of my despair.
Searching for evidence is about as useless as signing a contract vowing never to drink again. Neither works, but I can relate, and I am sure most of the others here can too. I used to search for the bottles, and when I found them, line them up on the kitchen counter. The only person I was upsetting was myself. And I felt that if he promised never to drink again, he wouldn't. How wrong I was. So rather than put yourself through that kind of torture, concentrate on yourself and detachment from your A's drinking. If you feel you need to divorce him, go ahead and do it. That, of course, is a decision only you can make. But please, dear one, do not kid yourself about this addiction. I wish you all the best and regard you with great caring, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
i know how you feel. my a tells me all the time he hasn't had drink but he comes home slurring his words, red eyed and stumbling. I fully understand your despair. I wish i could give you some words of wisdom but i can't. All I can tell you is that you are not alone. If i can help I would be happy to.. just e-mail me and I'll do anything I can
oh girl. most of us have looked for evidence in our earlier years in alanon. I gotta say that I am at the point that I don't care one way or the other. It is almost like, well of course you found them, he is an A.
It is so horrible as we start to really face all the demons some of us denied away. I hate knowing how you feel. I remember when my A got into a bad accident, I said well i tis ok he is ok and he is not drinking.... right he got a dui and walks in and i said what happened???
He snaps at ME, i was drinking!! Like i was the stupid idiot.
Now I would not even ask. Whatever he said would be the disease talking anyway. i don't have any use for that
For me it was grabbing on tight to hp and barely putting one foot in front of the other.
I know the pain you feel inside. So what can you do for you? I had to learn to really think about ME. Be good to you, comfort yourself and let others comfort you.
to me asking an A to sign a contract, or ultimatums whatever are no different than asking a diabetic to sign a contract not to have a low blood sugar episode. It is a disease, he cannot control it, you cannot control it having him sign something. It is like you set both of you up to fail.
I know it is hard to understand.
I got a legal separation to protect my assets. I got my name on my stuff. Whatever he has his name on is his responsibility, at least it is in my state.
You have had some horrible realization lately. But I tell ya, it is inevitable, now you know, now you decide what to do for you.
It is so hard to explain how to get to where you let go. Everyone learns from the program in a different way. They apply the skills different. What i do see now in people, is when they stop talking so much about the A and what they are doing, and more about what they themselves are doing, the healthier they become.
I have gotten to where i have no interest in what he is doing or not doing. all i care about is spending time with him. Of course I pray for the best for him, but that is it. He has to take care of himself.
The marriage is what it is, it sure is not what i wanted or hoped it would be. But in order to be with him, i have learned to accept him as is. i cannot control it anyway. if the disease has him big time and i can't handle it, I just don't stick around him.
Anyway believe me I know this is awful. But lady this is when you will learn the most. WE grow so much when we are in this horrible pain. But please let others help you.
I know how you feel.. You have gotten advise from those who have been in Al anon for quite some time. Me... Well, I am new.. and although, I know that i shouldnt I too look for beer bottles. He hides them and drinks in the shed or garage. it gets old, I am trying to work on me but it is hard..
My only advise is hang on to those on this board who have been there.. Learn from them and take one day at a time. Dont expect ANYTHING from the a, they will only dissapoint you..
One last thing, remember you are not alone in this.. Some are just farther down the recovery road than us..
Ok, Ok, I admit it! I searched for evidence, too. WHY? Because I wanted to know the reality I was living in......the drinking one or the sober one. Then I knew how to take care of myself, if I knew I had to protect myself from the disease or not. Then so be it! Some will argue with me until the cows come home about searching. I just did what I had to do. I knew I wasn't crazy................at least when I had the evidence I was living in the drinking world. I didn't confront. I just had the knowledge I needed. Just Me. Take what you like and leave the rest.
[I will probably stir the caldron here because this is so un-alanon. I was NOT perfect, and never will be. But I know I could be an alanon stinker at times by searching for TRUTH.
I think we all understand. I've done the searching and the contracts, too. It is pointless. They're going to do what they're going to do regardless of what common sense tells them is right. I think I still have a problem with the whole disease concept, because just because you have a compulsion to consume a substance -doesn't mean you have to. Diabetes is not a behavior, but putting alcohol to your lips is. I was the worst smoking addict for years. I would wake up midway through the night to smoke. If given the choice between a smoke and food, I'd choose smoking; however, as bad as my compulsion to smoke was --I eventually quit. I know I can never pick up a cigarette or would be in the same boat I was before I ever stopped within a week. The chemical nicotine fit somewhere in my brain like a key fits a lock. Alcohol is like that for some folks too, which makes it a physical problem; however, being that it is a behavior and we have control over our hands raising something to our lips or not--the disease concept still bugs me. Oh well. It mostly works for me. This is a frustrating illness.
Oh, to those of you who have significant others who are abstinent--there is compelling evidence that avoiding sugar, nicotine, and caffeine will help them stay off the sauce. Most A.s have a blood sugar problem, so when they consume those substances their craving for alcohol goes up. Trouble is, these are the things they most crave when not drinking. GL to all (including myself).
Hello Ditto , please remember that this is a disease it will do and say anything to get us off thier backs. Make promises they cannot keep. Expecting a practicing A to not drink is our insanity and m ost of us fall for it over and over again. I believe that when they make these promises they really itend to try bt the disease won't allow that until he says "enough" there is never enough.
He may slip and slide his way into recovery but u don't have to, go to meetings , read the literature and get your life back on track, and get ready should sobriety happen. Sobriety is not the answer to al of our problems i personally needed my own prog more in sobriety than i did durring the drinking days.
we take the drinking so personally and really it is not about us at all, we are not the reason they drink and we probably won't be the reason they stop. We are simply not that powerful.If love would cure alcoholism we wouldnt need AA or Al-Anon . Alcohol is running his life at the moment and u are both powerless over alcohol.
When my happiness depends on anyone else I am in big trouble. I am responsible for making my life better not him. He is a bonus but cannot be my reason for being. I know this is tough when only one person is trying to change - but to make things different it onlytakes one person
If your going to do what u always did - Your going to get what u always got. Louise
Take what you like and leave the rest.
I was NOT perfect, and never will be. But I know I could be an alanon stinker at times by searching for TRUTH. 