The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So my A has a safety luncheon or something at work yesterday, told me it was at 1:30 but he may be running late after work. I was leaving work, called him to see if he would be the one home to order pizza for pizza night. Oh he answers and says he is leaving the "local" (where he hangs out on Fridays) in 15 or 20 minutes. Oh....I say your work (which is 60 miles north) had the luncheon at your local? How nice of them.....He says no....just stopped to see my friend. Ohhhhhhhh ......I kind of laugh, since lately the irony I live is becoming more and more humorous, actually his stories are getting more and more transparent, that makes me laugh. Sooooo, I called like an hour later, thought since he would be home that I would stop at my girlfriend's house. Oh now he's just leaving the local. Whatever.
So we both get home eat dinner and are watching T.V. when out of the blue he says, "are you working this weekend, because we need to find time and sit down to talk about the 18 yr old" (he will be starting Tech College to finish high school on the 7th of Sept.) My A thinks he should also work. Well, as most of you live a life like mine, when the A isn't around or too busy drinking, I take care of me and mine. I am the taxi driver, appt. setter, make sure chores are done, etc. etc. Now all of a sudden this man wants thing done "HIS" way. I could feel my defenses come up, I quickly pushed them down. I told him we could talk but not now. This weekend. He says fine but keeps going on and on, how if things don't change that even though he loves me and wants to be with me, he wants to leave because of these kids. Hello, where are you coming from, besides them doing chores half ass, they are good kids. Respectful, honest, and caring individuals. I am not just saying this because they are my kids; other people tell me how lucky I am to have such good teenagers. Yeah, they spend their spare time playing video games with their friends, but they are home, there are no drugs or alcohol involved. This is who they are.
So anyone who has had similar situations, I would love to hear how you have approached this situation. I want to talk to my A, but I don't want to fight about this. The kids could be doing more but I am one person, living as a married single parent. I think, no I know I am doing the best I can with what I have.
Yes, their personalities are self-centered. My a likes to organize his life (our life, ROFL) according to his schedule, needs, wants, desires, work schedule. And this goes on actively drinking or in sobriety with mine. I couldn't do much at all in active drinking. Now we are in sobriety, and I am trying to find my boundaries--where he leaves off and I begin. I still feel like we are enmeshed, and not two individuals, and I get to be the smothered one. I am still learning about boundaries as I go.
Your feelings are very typical of living with an alcoholic. Hope this helps.
My A is stepdad also to my 4 kids. They are 23, 19, 15, and 13. We have been married 6 years. I will listen to his input, but bottom line is - I have been with these kids since birth, I know how they think, how they "tick". He can not see the full picture of "who" they are as he has not been in their life all of their life. So when I disagree about how to handle something, I go with what I think is best for them. I'll give you an example, when my 15 year old was in elementary school, we were having trouble with him doing his homework and completing his classwork. His teacher had a background in psychology also. We discussed drawing up a "contract" with son. In exchange for his getting his work done, he would be allowed certain privileges at home. We tried this for a few weeks...it was not working quite as well as we liked. Hubby's input was to get stricter on son. Teacher and I thought lightening up on him might work, that perhaps we were expecting too much. Over hubby's protest, I chose the lightening up route. Allowed him more free play time, etc. And guess what? That boy improved so much that at the end of the year he was given the Turn-Around Award - an award given to one student in the school who showed the most improvement. Son was so proud he wore a suit to the award ceremony they held for these kids. So I say, trust your own instincts on your child. You know them best.
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
One thing I know is true, the bio parent in a step situation is the primary parent and only parent. The step has to support you and or work thru you.
They should never discipline, or boss or anything. Kids resent that, and it will ruin your marriage. 9 times out ot 10 marriages with kids and step parents, fail.
they go the, you are not my father or mother. They did not choose this person to parent them. They did not choose to have their bio parent split.
It is better to be a friend to the kids, be the listener. Support their bio parent.
but it makes my hair stand on end, or used to if any guy disciplined MY kids or tried to tell me what to do with them. My kids are so cool. 29 and 30 now. I was so adament about this I chose to not remarry until they were out of the home.
if my husband even brought up leaving or divorce or anything like that, it was, there is the door I always told you, even before we got married, if you don't want to be here, then leave. that is that.
I feel if they don't want to be with me, then they don't so go away. It hurts of course but I will not be a burden to anyone and do not even tell me what to do with my kids or dog or pig!!!! lol
trust your gut!! you are a smart person!! love,debilyn
Although i do not have experience with the step parent. I do have experience with the way my A handles his children..
You and I have talked about this before. My A is so hard on my son.. He is 16 and although he is not a perfect my husband is very hard on him... They have gotten into verbal fights, and to the point that I thought my A would beat him. I jumped into the middle to protect my son.. My husband always says that I am too easy on the kids.. "you should be tough" he says.. " you let them take advantage of you" he says.. I say yea, just like i let you... He has threatened to leave because of me protecting my son. My response, I will ALWAYS protect my CHILDREN... ALWAYS, he is an adult he can protect himself.
I may be wrong, but ... My kids are good teenagers too.. Not perfect, but good.. They arent out drinking and drugging.. They too slack in their chores, and can even get mouthy but they are KIDS.. I wish my husband could take off the blinders and remember, what he was doing at their age..
THis is just my experience, not perfect just mine.. :)
