sorry this is long,  but wow!!! this program  REALLY REALLY works....

Willing to Make Amends
>
>The Eighth Step is talking about a change of heart, a healing
>change.
>
>

######ROSIE..yeah step eight was the REAL  "clean up part"   making that list of all whom i have harmed in any way....it was scary thinking of it, but i knew it had to be done, and my hunger for healing over rode my fear

This attitude can begin a great chain of repair and healing
>in our relationships with others and ourselves. It means we
>become willing to let go of our hard-heartedness - one of
>the greatest blocks to our ability to give and receive love.
>
>####### ROSIE...oh when i saw  mine and god's names at the TOP of the list i was really shocked to see it there in my list......i knew i had to make big amends to  god and me AND my inner child,  than the list grew from there....easy ones to really scary ones.....and yes, for me it was  breaking free of the denial,  the stubborness, the false pride, it was  "clean up time"   "mending fences time"   and yes, the hard heartedness..the i don't give a sh$%  attitude that worked in the dungeion, but no longer works in the world i want  

In the Eighth Step, we make a list of all people we have harmed,
>and we allow ourselves to experience a healing attitude toward
>them. It is an attitude of love.
>
>

#####ROSIE...like i said  rosie and god were at the top  than folks i could easily find, and others whose wherebouts i did not know,  there were people whom i KNEW would attack me if i approached them,  and the  "unless it would harm"   applies to me too,  there was one whom i had to "back off from" and make amends in another way,  and that was CHANGES-- amends to me is not just  saying "i'm sorry"  whether you did something or not...it is CHANGES...and WHAT changes are needed to either fix the relationship/  change it to make it healthier for both parties/  changing MY attitudes/behaviours towards that person......my oldest brother is a good case in point for CHANGES.....he is VERY hostile and hateful towards me,  he blames me for the abuse,  he has said it in so many words...and he is NOT going to forgive ME for the evil/ etc,   well that is HIS inventory not mine. so what did i do ???  each time he would call me i set FIRM boundaries....his idea of a phone call  AFTER he puts ME down, is to insult/ putdown my younger "A"  brothers....i set boundaries by telling him POINT blank....."this is the deal!!!  you will keep the conversation about the estate and the estate ONLY...the INSTANT  you insult me or my brothers,  i am shutting you DOWN by hanging up and refusing further conversation"   i had to do this....i mean i laid my cards face up on the table and TOLD him under NO uncertain terms, that the ONLY conversation i wanted with him was BUSINESS......end of conversation....i informed him,  if he needs me to assist in anyway, i will if i can....other than that??? NO personal talk....i was humane but firm.....i left NO doubt as to  "where i am comming from"   and after the estate is over with, i will  firmly yet humanely tell him i wish him the best, but i am no longer interested in any relationship with him....

We do not, in this Step, dash madly about and begin yelling,
>"Sorry!" We make our list, not to feel guilty, but to facilitate
>healing. Before we actually make amends or begin to consider
>appropriate amends, we allow ourselves to change our attitude.
>That is where healing begins - within us.
>

######ROSIE...NO!!! i did not do that unless i did do something for which  i had to say  "i'm sorry"   i made the list to  "mend my fences"   that is all....i did stuff, mostly to me and god,  but i did stuff, and it was my desire to  own it, accept it, take proper action about it,   and yes,  i changed my persepctive first than my attitude/ actions....it begins with me.....i had to look within for everything regarding my healing journey....looking within for my god, for my sense of self, for my healing,  for my validation.....the INTERNAL  rather than the EXTERNAL

>It can change the energy. It can change the dynamics. It
>can begin the process, before we ever open our mouths and
>say sorry.
>

#####ROSIE....oh yeah,  changing the energy-karma is an understatement,  i felt releived even doing step 4,  finding all the stuff out about me....i looked at myself as this  loveable  and broken little doll.....like the velveteen rabit....i got chewed up--stomped on, and i showed the battle scars,   but the REAL me,  is ok  AND loveable/acceptable...faults and all,  i began to really feel empathy for me and how i turned out inspite of all i went through.....sure i messed up!!! and sure i really really wanted to "mend the fences"  and i believe i did and did a pretty good job of it....right/wrong/indiferent,  i was honest and OPEN to  change my perspective.....that was so freeing

>It opens the door to love. It opens the door to the energy
>of love and healing. It enables us to release negative feelings
>and energy, and opens the door to positive feelings and energy.
>
>

#####ROSIE...oh yeah,  my exhisting relationships were NEVER this good,   and old ones whom i had "walked away from"  have been mended as they can....i have the oldest sister and  even though she brutalized me and hurt me along with her brutal brother,   i did stuff to her in retaliation...i got into her clothes,  got into her make up, called her names...and i addressed these things to her...i told her i was AWARE of these things i did to her, and that i ACCEPTED these facts/ responsibility for, and my ACTION was to tell her about it...that the healthy me would never want to do these things, no matter what.... she was SHOCKED!!! all she could say  and this is the truth!!!   all she said was  "WOW!!"   that was IT...than she asked me ???s about codependency and what actually it was/ did to the person...i sent her some literature over the email,   whether she read it or not, doesn't matter,  i did my thing.....she NEVER replied to me  "well i brutalized you, abused you, et al"   not a THING!!! but thats ok.....this whole action  was for ME....MY healing  ...MY recovery....handling MY inventory.....she has to deal with hers,  its none of my business....... GOD it felt good!!!  to do that  to "face the dragon"  and notice that her fire was only in my head....she has NO power over me,  i am the one in recovery and i am NOT afraid or carrying any baggage about her....WOW!!!  and on down the list i went....

That energy can be felt around the world, and it starts inside
>us.
>
>

######ROSIE...yep,  people notice  "something really cool going on inside of me"  and they ask, and i TELL

How often have we, after we have been hurt, wished that the
>person would simply recognize our pain and say, "I'm sorry"?
>How often have we wished that the person would simply see us,
>hear us, and turn the energy of love our way? How often have
>we longed for at least a change of heart, a small dose of
>reconciliation, in relationships tainted by unfinished business
>and bad feelings? Often.
>
>

######ROSIE....oh yeah,  i don't wait anymore for deserved apologies....i dont wish change for anyone,  its a waste of energy....i am changing ME...and AS i change me,  THEIR refusal, etc,  does not bother me.....sure i WISHED  before recovery that she and the brother would  "see what they did to me"  but i am not holding my breath waiting...it is THIER inventory....i am taking care of mine, that is all i can do......wishing and hoping and waiting    are a waste of time...i look at what i have now, where i am now, and what i am doing now, and deal with that....she may NEVER see what she has done in the way of harming people.....but one day she will have to...hopefully for HER sake she will do it in THIS life and not later,  but it is HER  karma not mine...i am taking care of me and as i take care of me   the  "wishing and hoping and waiting"   for others to  "do what is right"   i no longer do this....i take care of ME!! and do what i gotta do to take care of me.....regular visits to steps  4 and 10  and 8/9  ...now its current-- easier to manage--- daily work on the program keeps me current on  MY stuff.....

Others do too. It is no secret. The energy of healing begins
>with us. Our willingness to make amends may or may not benefit
>the other person; he or she may or may not be willing to put
>matters to rest.
>
#######ROSIE... yes, it begins with me....and yes, my amends have NOT necessarily benefitted the other,  but it DID for me....and like i said,   anything outside of MY inventory is  none of my business....not my concern....as long as i am doing the best i can to  work the program and practice what it suggests, than i am ok...

But we become healed. We become capable of love.
>------
>#####ROSIE...yes, i am capable of love now....and it feels good

Today, I will work on a change of heart if hard-heartedness,
>defensiveness, guilt, or bitterness are present. I will become
>willing to let go of those feelings and have them replaced
>by the healing energy of love.
>

#####ROSIE...i noticed that one word  "WILLINGNESS"  is like magic----- be willing and the universe will take care of the rest....its like my being  willing and open  has set in motion things that sometimes i don't see till after, and than i look and say  "oh yeah, that was cool...and sooo natural"  

Hope for Today - August 26

 My progress working my step FOUR was halted by a clump that
had once been a tiger lily. I dug around, delving
deeper, to reveal a tangle of roots binding the mass
to the earth. My attempts to remove it in one clump
proved futile. I tugged, pushed, and kicked, but it
refused to move. My frustration mounted and I
regretted embarking on a project that seemed
impossible to achieve.

3######ROSIE...for me it was my self sabateur / self defeater...i wrestled with this thing till i was worn out....i almost just QUIT the program over this one  "seemingly"   IMmovable object...the self defeater....i did everything...meets...sponser...journals...literature....it was moving a BIT, but so slowly and the relapses???  wore me out...made me SO discouraged...many times i said,  "i can't DO this...i cannot get his abuser values OUT of my head"   it caused MORE anger/frustration at myself because i was  "letting him control me STILL"    OH how i wanted him GONE---- ERASED----but it seemed impossible

I took a break. I rested and thought of using a
different approach to removing the tangle of roots.
I got up and went back to work. This time, slowly
and meticulously I began disentangling the mass one
tiny piece at a time. After I had finished, leaving
behind a large hole in the ground,

3#####ROSIE...i too, took a break!!!!  i thought "ok TIME OUT"   maybe prayer/ sponser/ meets, i get a clue as to  what   ELSE i can do.....i literally had to do a step ONE on this  "non budging"  step 4 item.....it was heartbreaking to keep up with his horrible abuser values....old horrible messages playing in my head,  and i couldn't BUDGE them.......AFTER my break and several wine coolers over a period of a few days,  my sponser and i were talking adn she said  "rosie you are ready for the next level i belive...you are on your deepest part now, like this is the last of the crap"   and i said  "tell me  i'll do ANYthing to 'get RID of him/it' the messages"   and she said  "make a cassette tape, with YOUR voice saying loving/ encouraging/ postive/ GOOD things to YOU, in YOUR voice...start out by saying  'rosie i love you no matter what' and go from there-- your heart will go from there"  ............well i fired up the casette recorder adn began a bit haltingly and than its like the REAL me took over,  i began to really FEEL   my love for me,  my heartfelt desire to save me to bring me back to the REAL me,  not the  "layers that he put on me"   but the  "i AM"  of me   the "ME"  of me...and as i listen to the casette,  i can really  hear the love for me in my own voice....and i can SEE the beginnings, i can see the  old grungy soil loosening, i can see my being more forgiving of me and my being perfectly imperfect....already i can see the transformation.....i play it day and night,  not at work,  but  at bedtime , bath time, relaxation time, i fall asleep hearing my  "i love me's  i accept me's"  it HAS to be going into my sub mind.....

 I filled the hole
with new earth. I gazed satisfied at the result of
my persistence -- a garden prepared for new growth.
That's when it came to me. This is how Al-Anon
helps me today. Al-Anon showed me how to
detangle myself, sift through the debris, and
humbly ask my Higher Power to prepare for new
growth by removing the clumps in my way.

#####ROSIE...slowly i am being delivered  FROM  self hate/abuse/criticism/doubt etc,   TO  self love/caring/praise/faith   it IS happening....i SEE  progress....

Thought for the Day
If the work of sorting myself out in Step Four
seems daunting, I'll ask God to show me a different
approach.

######ROSIE...yep,  that is what i did....rest/ wine cooler/  than back to business....thank you,  DONE    ,  rosie