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My A has been sober for 45 days now and in counseling and meetings everynight. After checking his cell phone one day(i wanted to see if he lied to me about calling a guy about some $ he was owed from a job he did). I came across womens names and numbers abd starteddoing a phone records search etc. Comes out he ha a friend, Meghan , who he says is a very good friend and nothing else. Long story short he denies any affair etc but I can't accept this. Now what???
Sounds like there are lots of trust issues here, since you were checking to see if he was lying when you found this out. I have also had problems of this sort since my husband sobered up, an all I can say is that you will never really know what he is doing. You can't follow him around, and check up on his every move. Either you believe what he says, or you don't. If you don't, due to past evidence that he is untrustworthy, then I guess you need to wonder why you are married to him.
For me, when I started to wonder just that thing, I found counselling to be very helpful. First, it was a safe place to let out all my pain and anger. I could say things there that would have had huge repercussions if I had said them at home, and, sometimes, the saying it out loud was all I really needed. Also, the counsellor helped me examine why I was in the marriage - was I staying our of love or out of fear and obligation? Why did I find it hard to set firm boundaries, and why did I let him repeatedly treat me with such disrespect?
Alanon also helped me. I know a lot more about his disease, now, and the kind of tricks it pulls, even when he is in recovery. I also know enough not to fall under the spell of his smoke and mirrors, his misdirection, his blaming things on me to take the presssure off himself..... all the Alcoholic bs that we are all so familiar with.
If you are not already active in alanon, you would proabably really benefit from face to face meetings, and a sponsor to talk this out with. Eventually, if you talk about it enough with the right people, you will get to a place where you can examine YOUR feelings, and YOUR options, instead of focussing on his behaviour. Then, you will know what to do.
First...do you REALLY want to know? I have known a lot of guys who were cheating on their wives, and some wives really do not want to know.
One of my best friends had a real creep for a husband, he was as bad as they come. Before I knew this I used my influence to get him a job with my brother-in-laws family company. This creep tried to RAPE my brother-in-law's sister at work!!!!!! He beat her up pretty bad in trying, she kept fighting him and screaming until someone heard her. She did not want the police called since she was married and did not want her husband to know. I will NEVER again try to get anyone a job I don't know well...talk about a horrible situation! Anyway of course he was fired on the spot and they found out he was also having an affiar with one of the clients.
I talked to my friend, curious to know what explanation this creep had for getting fired. She said he told her that everyone there was just jealous of his skills so they got rid of him. I asked her how that sounded...if it sounded true...she said "why do you know something I don't?". I said "If I did would you want to know?". She started crying and ran out of the room and avoided me after that...that taught me that some people suspect and all that but really don't want their suspiciouns CONFIRMED! Oh, they want to see evidence saying the party is INNOCENT but really don't want to have their suspiciouns confirmed.
I will tell you that a close female friend is ALWAYS bad news if it is a "new friend". I am not talking about male female friendships that are decades long, or from childhood, of started when both were SINGLE and able to move on it if the spark was there.
That women telling you they are "just friends"...boy does that sound familiiar...
I have never cheated on my mate or cheated with someone else's mate but I am a "mind my own business" and "live and let live" kind of person so I see and come to know of a LOT of stuff that people do.
I hired an old friend of mine from high school (married man) years ago to do some simple manual labor for me and had a single female friend helping me (for free as a friend) as well. The guy flirted with me, got nowhere so decided to see what my friend would do. They started having an affiar...YIKES!!!! I told female friend never to come back and fired him on the spot.
HIS wife tracked him down to me and work he was doing for me and I truthfully told her that it was not me he was fooling around with. I did not want to cuase trouble so although I mentioned another woman I did not give her name or address or anything.
Well, wife confronted husband about my "friend" and he even had her call his wife and she swore up and down that they were "just friends"...yeah...right. Wife called me back to ask me if it was true...I never called her back or responded as it was a lie. The only invovlement I wanted to have was to clear my own name, tell her it was not me, but the rest is between those three...a triangle I am not touching with a ten foot pole.
Would you believe that this creep also had a MISTRESS who tracked me down as well? SHEESH, some people have no shame. Found out that this creep was openly talking about me to his "haram" and using his piddly amount of work he was doing for me as a front for his philandering. He would tell his wife or mistress he was working for me when he was fooling around with my "friend" so that is why they both tracked me down. Geez, he only helped me bring up modly boxes from my basement to throw out, only about an hour or two for a few Saturdays. You would think he had remodeled my entire house from what he told these women. He was a guy you would never suspect. Very "ordinary". He was pillar of the community, involved in his children's school, all kinds of community volunteer work, REALLY fat, balding, yuck, I don't know what women saw in him.
My first husband cheated on me left and right and eventually he got caught. There is a scripture that says something like "what is done in darkness will come to light" or "he that is trying to cover up something will not be successful". I have found this to be SO true, they slip up sooner or later.
My best advice to you is that if you "suspect" it is PROBABLY true. Women's intuition is actually a scientific fact. We have more brain connections between our left and right brain, between the concsious and unconscious mind, so we are a lot better at picking up subtle psychological cues. Like the subconcsious "brain slips" that people do when they are lying, like close their eyes while telling the lie. People crack me up when they do this, they are SO transparant! I actually got a physocology book on lying with my first husband, I really learned a lot.
I have NEVER had my suspicions be unfounded. My suspicions were always correct. But keep in mind I am not the paranoid insecure type, I based my suspicions on "funny" events that did not make sense. I KNEW that sooner or later they would slip up and I would have proof...
What I did when I "suspected" was concentrate more on HOW I would feel and WHAT I would do if my suspicions were correct. That is more important.
Say to yourself...OK...what if this meghan woman shows up with pics and tells me to give up as we are in love? WHAT WOULD I DO THEN? Have a plan, brace yourself...
I had this happen to a friend of mine. She totally did not see it coming. Her husband just one day brought his mistress to their family home and THEY calmly told her to give up on him as "they" were in love and had been for some years.
She had her little suspicions, but did not think her husband would really be that low.
Well, she was ready, she threw whatever clothes he did not have his girlfreind help him with out in the yard and changed the locks and filed for divorce.
This women of his was very sick and had put him up to such a cruel move and soon he saw how messed up she was and begged my friend to take him back. My friend changed her phone number, LOL. He reaped what he sowed. She said he started stalking her at work, sitting on her car crying and she called the police on him. People reap what they sow. She is doing great and he was eventually arrested for domestic violence.
Another friend of mine had a divorced friend she was "helping" get through it. She unselfishly got her husband to help also, since her freind had a son. Well, her "friend" started coming on to her husband and they had an affair. My friend looks exacly like Cystal Gayle but prettier with a nicer figure and is sweet and kind. Her "friend" looked and acted like a crack whore...go figure...
Something similar happened with a nother friend of mine, a teacher at my daughter's school. She asked her husband to help a single friend of hers move, then after work went their to help also and found them in bed together, it had been going on for YEARS behind her back...she NEVER suspected and these women were people they knew...so a woman you don't know I think is a worse sign.
These people are all professional upstanding citizens with nice homes in nice neighborhoods...cheating seems to be an epidemic.
Looks seem to have little to do with this phenomona.
Cheating is rampant I am afraid, so the more important question is:
What will you do WHEN you find out for sure he is cheating?
When we got married my husband and I made a pact, NO opposite sex "friends". And if it is "business" no business stuff outside of the work building or work hours unless I am there also. We have both been cheated on so thought this was best and it works pretty good.
Isabela
PS When I found out my first husband was cheating I got rid of him so fast his head spun and I was never sorry. My second husband knows this and so far has been faithful, never let a guy know you tolerate cheating as there will be no end to it if they are that type and MOST men are I am afraid.
I feel very heavy when I read your story. I am in the same situation with you. My husband has been sobered 4 years.we 've been fighting almost year and half.after I know he cheated on me I feel living in a darkness cave.I have to go to AL-Anon meeting ask help.my husband promised he won't cheat me again but he hides his cellphone before he goes to bed. I just do not understand him why he keeps doings this? he is afraid i check his cellphone find out he is still cheating on me or what? how come a person get sick so serious..i still stay in marriage because i still love him but i do not know how long the love last.
My husband has always been able to get along better with women than with other men - sometimes I think it is because he is in general a thoughtful, articulate kind of guy, sometimes I think it is because he's good looking, and women will buy his bs! It is not unusual for an A in recovery to bond with another A of the opposite sex. Sometimes this is healthy and appropriate, and sometimes it is NOT!
If you can get up the courage, and find a time and place, I would talk to your husband. Tell him, without accusing, how this all makes you feel. This is what I was advised to do, make sure he knows that this is hurting you. If he is trying to recover, he will at least try to listen to you. If you don't think that you can do this without making it a big fight, maybe see if he will go to some sort of counselling with you, to give you a safe place to talk it out. Good luck you're not alone here, I know how much it hurts.
