Hope for Today - August 25

     I grew up in an alcoholic home where I felt no one
was caring for me, so I decided I had to do so
myself.  Soon my vision became shortsighted.  It
took all my energy just to protect myself or figure
out the bare necessities I needed to survive.  I felt
confused and overwhelmed by my environment, so I
limited my awareness.
    

######ROSIE......oh no one WAS caring for me,  thats not a thought/feeling, that was FACT!!! so i had to do so myself...i WAS abandoned....she was upstairs passed out drunk....he was  off "chasing one of his many women".....i spent ALL my energy protecting and fighting...trying to keep myself going...there were times the bread truck or milk truck didn't come to the neighborhood and so i couldn't steal  milk/bread etc off the trucks and we were hungry so  i and my younger brothers would be in the garage eating dog food....so yeah, it was a study in survival....i felt overwhelmed and compensated for that by going "numb" closing down much of my feelings/  my awareness level did go down for sure....

 In Al-Anon I'm learning to look all around, not
just in front of me.  My first experience with
widening my awareness occurred in meetings.  I
took the risk to look at the people around me and
listen to them. 

#####ROSIE......  funny, though, my survival instincts taught me the opposite...i noticed EVERYTHING...i had to...i had eyes in the back of my head,  i was hyper alert...i noticed the slightest change in voice/ a gesture/ the way they would walk,   ANY thing changing usually preceeded a violent outburst....i could "hear"  her slide out of her bed to get that "next drink"...i could hear/smell  him comming down the stairs to my room.....it was ME i didn't notice  MY feelings/wants/needs that i didn't notice...and NOW i am becomming aware of not just my  "having to go to the bathroom"  or  "hunger pangs"  i am noticing the INTERNAL now,  as opposed to just the EXTERNAL.....i can look people better in the eye now instead of shying away.....i can listen to them without having to feel like i have to "counter attack"

My reward was a bond with others
who understood me, accepted me, and wanted to
help me.  In the course of attending just one
meeting, I finally knew I was not alone.
    

3#####ROSIE...yes, i am losing my "keep ALL at a distance"   NOW i can bond with SAFE others....i CAN allow people in my heart when they prove "safe"...i CAN ask for help/ a hug/ an ear/ assistance/ validation et al and NOT feel ashamed/unworthy----this program has helped me that i am NOT alone 

 Later, I began to see how the Traditions
encouraged me to look around myself.  Tradition
One taught me that I am not the only one seeking
recovery, because all of us attend meetings for the
same purpose. 

######ROSIE...yes,  i am NOT alone

The fulfillment of that purpose
depends on choosing what is best for the whole, not
just what is best for me.  This was my second
experience with wider awareness.  My growth
benefits from the growth of others.
    

#####ROSIE.....yeah,  as a GROUP....ALL together...UNIFIED......something that did not exhist in my family of origin.....mutual  helping and validating each OTHER

 My third experience with wider vision followed
naturally in the form of Step Twelve, especially the
part about carrying the message to others.  Here I
was encouraged to look around me with the intent
of bringing the healthy light of Al-Anon to others
who are still suffering. 

######ROSIE....i like to set an example..."see what it is doing for me"  i never was a "salesman" for the spiritual....i like to set an example....when someone mentions the wonderful changes in me,  i can share about my program....i reach out to others....i have my message in the way i post,  share at meets, etc....my sponsees.....and i pray for the ones who are NOT in the 12 steps and needing it , to find it

My gift for doing so was
the affirmation that I am a worthwhile person who
is capable of sharing experience, strength, and hope
with others.

######ROSIE....yes, i AM worthy  i AM ok, JUST the way i am......and YES i share my  ESH  openly and honestly and sincerely....
    

   "I kept going to meetings and gradually my
       perspective changed."
             *Alcoholism, the Family Disease*, p. 10 
 
>

######ROSIE...my perspective about me is changing/ my relationship with  god/life is improving, AS my relationship with me is improving.........

AUGUST 24
>Step Eight
>
>Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing
>to make amends to them all.
>--Step Eight of Al-Anon
>------
>######ROSIE....boy my list was mostly about  me/ ic / and god...poor god took a lot of abuse from me....as a result of my injuries,  i really  punished  me/god /ic  for my miserable circumstances.....there were others, of course on my list,   but you know when you are as thorough as an isolator as i was,  there weren't  as many on my list that COULD have been.....and too,  it was repugnant to me to harm another creature that didn't FIRST try to harm me,  so i harmed me instead

The Eighth Step is not meant to punish us; it is meant to
>set us free from guilt, anxiety, and discord.
>
>3######ROSIE....i never saw it as punishemnt,  but just  "mending fences"  and step eight means AMENDS----webster says amends is "making changes"   i made TONS of  "changes"  some were apologies.  some were  just setting boundaries where non exhisted before,  and LOTS of amends/changes in how i treat  me/ my god/ my life....THAT was the concentration of my  "step 8"  work.....i made "CHANGES"   

We begin by making a list of everyone we have harmed on our
>journey, as we have struggled to survive.  We have probably
>done more damage to ourselves than to anyone else, so we put
>ourselves first on the list.
>
>

3#####ROSIE...yep,  and guess who was at the TOP of the list?????   3 of us fighting for that #1 on the "hit parade"    you got it!!!   me/ god/ inner child....all of us #1 contenders......and it went from there....relationships  improved too,  making changes,  owning my mistakes, some i did not apologize for but i DID accept responsibility for MY part in the relationship not doing so well....it was about ME,  MY recovery,  MY breaking free of the  "old junk".....yep,  i really clobbered me and god and my inner child...

Often, our tendency is to feel guilty about everything we've
>ever done, everyone we've come in contact with.  That is
>unearned guilt.  Writing helps us clarify whether or not we
>are punishing ourselves for no reason.  But we need to be
>open to guidance as we work this Step, getting everything
>out of us and on to paper, so we can be healed.
>
>3#######ROSIE....you know by the time i got to step 8  i just treated it as a "fence mending" mission....yeah, SOME guilt,  but mostly about cursing god and abusing me...and even then, i forgive me cause i was SOOO sick  SOOO mentally /emotionally disabled....i mean would i show compassion  for someone lying flat on their back in bed,  too sick to take care of themselves??? of COURSE  , so why not show some compassion for me???? oh no!! you couldn't SEE my wounds,  but i was hemoraging from my soul/heart.....i journalled and shared and talked at meets about it.....i no longer desire to punish me for things i did AS A RESULT of my HORRIFIC injuries...i see the REAL me  more adn more,  each day and i know the REAL me is  good/compassionate/fair/honest/honourable....YES, i am PERfectly  IMperfect.....yep,  i let all my step 8 stuff hang out.....when i did it i was scared of some of my  "step 8 recipients"  but when it was over???? it felt like sooo good....and it was very rewarding....most people when i spoke to them and told them  "hey i know what i did/said/ did not do etc, to you and i want you to know that i take full responsibility for it  AND i am getting help for my problems"   than i would tell them about the 12 steps  and  most of them were like  "WOW,  that is soo cool"  and they supported me...thought it was really great that i was doing this....

Once we have made the list, we strive to become willing to
>make amends to everyone on it because that is how we will
>heal.  Making amends does not mean feeling guilty and ashamed
>and punishing ourselves; it means swallowing our pride and
>defenses, and doing what we can to take care of ourselves.
>

######ROSIE.....yes,  WILLING...there are folks i don't even know where they are ...for them??  i pray for god to send them  peace and goodwill from me....my EX b.f.  is the biggest one i would love to make amends wtih....i hurt him...i disappointed him and out of my fear of being alone, i used the guy!!!!!  i know i did not abuse him but i used him none the less....i did him wrong!!! and i would LOVE to talk with  him about it...but i don't know where he is...so i send him prayers..i ask god to take care of him for me......for me?? it is done....because i am WILLING to  "own up" with him, and that is what counts....the fact that i  own it...accept it...and am WILLING to do the "amends thing"  yep,  swallowed a lot of pride in this program...but it was worth it, to get free of the old  guilt crap

We become ready to improve our self-esteem by taking
>responsibility for our behaviors.  We become willing to have
>our relationships with ourselves, others, and our Higher
>Power restored.
>--------
>

#####ROSIE...yes,  NOW i am healthy enough to take responsibility for my actions...and this is good,  i am taking BACK my life.....i am WILLING  to have a loving/healthy relationship with ME,  God,  IC, others  and ALL  creatures   restored.....i llike me better for this....

Today, I will open myself to an honest understanding of the
>people I have harmed.  God, help me let go of my defenses
>and pride.  Help me become willing to make amends to those
>I have harmed, so that I can improve my relationships with
>myself and others.
>
>--------------------

#####ROSIE...yes,  honesty /  being up front/  and owning what i did..whether or not THEY reciprocate, doesn't matter,  this is for ME/  MY healing/  MY "making the necessary changes"/ the focus is on me.........oh hey !!!!  i did the step 8 thingy with my abusive sister,  NOT kay my beloved sister,  the OLDEST one, jane....i called her up and said   "jane i KNOW i got into your make up, stole your clothes when i wanted to look nice for 'so and so'  and i KNOW i called you names and i take responsibillity of this...i am aware of this...and the REAL me would not want to do this to you...i am getting help for my problems and i am doing better"  i basically told her that i was aware of "my part" in our  awful relationship....i NEVER   NEVER mentioned the fact that she brutalized me and that a lot of my  crap was "retaliatory"  and i never mentioned to her the awful abuse she heaped on  me and the other younger kids...i never said a word.....and guess what!!!   SHE didn't either!!!  it was like   AFTER i did my speach, she sucked in her breath  and said  "wow...i am glad you are in recovery"    that was IT!!!   NO acknowledging that i may have been    "paying dracula back"    NO  "gee i was horrible to you, etc"    NOTHING.....and you know what????   i didn't CARE.....it DIDNT matter!!!!  it was about me/  being honest/open/owing about ME/  MY  actions.......it was OK....i walked away the better person!!!! cuz i OWNED it.....i ACCEPTED it.....and i TOOK ACTION  about it....its ok....i did what i had to do for ME.......thank you  DONE.......rosie