The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well, we went to the Seahawks game Monday night. All in all we had a great time. There are some things my A does that just irritate me but I have to tell myself to...to let go.
We got home from the game, he arrived home about 15 minutes before me, I pulled up in the drive way and can hear him screaming at the kids. Now this bothers me anyways but then I realized the boys had company. How embarassing for them. He had a couple drinks but was not drunk. The 18 yr old has been skatting through the last couple months on thin ice. We agreed that we need to talk about his situation but my A never has time to sit down and talk, so he has so much anger built up that he was blowing off steam, my son had a bowl of dog food in his hand which my A pushed and it landed all over the floor. Then the 14 year old stepped in with his 2 cents. Finally I stepped in and said to my A, your behavior is totally unacceptable, the boys will not clean up the mess you made (he ended up cleaning up his own mess) to the 18 year old, "sometimes I don't want to take care of my responsibilities on the weekend, I work all week, sometimes 50 hours and I don't like having to take care of things on the weekends, I want some time off too." He response was "the reason you have to do everything is because the other adult does nothing." Well those almost became fighting words. But it's true. My A said a little later, "if he doesn't like it here he knows what he can do." I stayed calm and reminded him, that he has another year of school, I asked him if he was being defensive because what my son said was true, I explained to him that I am tired of doing everything and the kids know this. He decided that he didn't want to discuss it anymore. I ended the conversation with I am only one person, I am doing the best I can with what I have to work with. I work, take care of the bills, do the shopping, do misc. things around the house and parent the boys. My son is learning to drive the goal was to have him on the road by the 3rd of September. I couldn't stretch myself any thinner if I wanted to. He didn't have anything else to say. Hmmmmmmm I wonder why.
It was a time when I just couldn't hold my tounge, but without cursing or putting him down I calmy expressed my feelings.
I think sometimes, if we don't scream, yell, or belittle, we need to say what is on our minds. For me if I don't tell me "A" where I am coming from, I get restenful. When I bottle things up, it does no good. When I need to vent I come here, but sometimes I tell him what I am really thinking. I just don't expect anything to come out of it, other than I tried to communicate with my spouse, and that is normally all I need. Yes I would like some help around the house, yes the Kids want to see daddy more, yes I wish I could have my "husband" back, but that is all out of my control. When I tell him my needs, I am really am telling him that I miss him and want him back.
Keep up the good work Mary!
Much Love,
__________________
"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
I have the same issues with my A and my son.. He is almost 17 and lets just say add A get instant FIGHT..
I feel as though i am not a tough on my son as i should be simply because my husband is so hard on him. It seems as though he can not do anything right. I feel so bad for him and try to give him extra time and affection. On the other hand my A does not say ANYTHING to my daughter who is 14.. The sad thing is that it is so obvious to everyone.
I feel for you Mary,, We are in this together my friend.
I totally identify....My A only speaks to my oldest when he wants to tell her something she has done wrong and my youngest is his obvious favorite, probably because my son doesn't hold him accountable for his messed up actions yet!
Sad but things can only better if I keep working it!!!!
