The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband is an alcoholic and crack addict, clean and sober for two years and 5 months. Lately he has been acting wierd - very quiet, distant, etc. He's away from home just now, taking a course for two weeks, and when he phones he just sounds so depressed and dead. I'm suspecting that he may be using again. I have a few things that have made me suspect this, but mostly it's just my 'spidey senses'. None of it amounts to anything like evidence, and there is a plausible explanation for all the things that have my suspicions aroused. I'm telling myself that there is nothing to be done at this point. If he is using, he is either having a slip, or a full fledged relapse. If it's a slip, there is nothing I can do that will get him back on track. He has his program, he knows where to go for help. If it's a relapse, he won't be able to hide it for long, and I can decide what to do about it then. If he is not using, then the same applies - if it's something serious, it will all come out sooner or later, and if it's not, then it's none of my business.
I'm doing what I figure is my job here, which is to let him know that I am aware that he is troubled, and that I'm on his side, ready to listen if he wants to talk. If I can think of something concrete to offer, I'm saying it once, and then shutting up. For instance, he went to quite a bit of trouble to get to a CA meeting a couple of weeks ago (the nearest one is a four hour drive, he was saying "I really want to get to that meeting...") so I suggested that he get the email addresses and phone numbers of some people there, so he can stay in touch when he can't make a meeting. I didn't ask him whether he did it or not, though, and I won't. We have a small checking account and an account we use for day to day life, but he can't get at any real money without me knowing, so I feel protected there.
All well and good, working my program, but boy it's hard. I can keep the focus on me during the day ok, but if I wake up at 5 AM, there's no way I'm getting back to sleep. Yesterday I happened to drive past the bar he used to drink at, and there was a motorcycle parked outside it, the same colour and type as his. I felt as if my heart literally hurt, and as if I was going to throw up. I knew it wasn't him, he's 400 miles away, but my body reacted.
I guess what I'm looking for here is some reassurance that I am doing what I should be, that there is not some magic solution that I am overlooking. It sounds stupid when I put it that way, but I know that you understand.
It sounds to me like you are very wise and are working your program. How can our bodies not react to past hurts and memories? You seemed to acknowledge that and put it back in perspective. You recognized what was in the past and moved on. I see alot of ESH in your post too. I try to re-read some of my posts and I then see them differently on a different day. I do find that these memory feelings/emotions pass and each time fade a little more. The serenity prayer is a big help too. I can relate to the not being able to go back to sleep. Reading our alanon books can give us strength at that time as they did for me early this morning. Hp too is a source of strength for me when I remember to focus on him. Keep up the good work and I will say prayers for you. cdb
(((Lin))) keep working your Program. Remember, the three C's.
I completely understand the physical reaction you are speaking of. Even when my mind is at a certain place, my body will sometimes react differently. And yes, working the Program is hard. Sometimes downright exhausting...but we know how worth it is!
