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Hello My fiance is a binge drinker, not a terrible one but he loses control of drinking with blackout and 12+/15+ drinks around once a week. I thought he was getting better when we got engaged - very little binging - but found out since fall started that he's not. I was devastated because I am too scared to marry someone with a drinking problem. Never mean - actually really sweet, the loveliest greatest guy I've ever met and we love each other, but still the binging is too scary to live with for our married future and any children we might have. I have to put my foot down for that. I decided I need to put our wedding plans on hold. We have been talking a lot, but it has been really hard. I have started attending alanon. I am frightened of how unhappy I have become. I'm afraid I'll get so lonely either with or without him I will become self-destructive. I'm also afraid I'll back down and waver since I feel sorry for him and don't have faith he will quit even with the wedding and hopes of children on the table (not bargaining, but something he/we will lose if he doesn't get sober). Would it be better for me to learn to deal with the binge drinking and go ahead with the wedding? I mean I know "no" but my desire to get on with my life/our life together (I'm 32, he's 46) is making me feel I may have made a mistake. My work and my health are suffering from feeling depressed, staying up late in tearful conversations. When he binge drinks too I lose at least half a week over my reaction to it. I feel out of control and out of resources, and afraid I will lose everything including a man who deeply loves me and is also my best friend. (We live together.) 4 weeks ago I was so happy and now it has all come tumbling down into uncertainty and fear. Thank you for listening. Thank you for your help.
Always tough to advise from afar, but I think caution (and delaying the wedding) is a good idea - there is no downside to finding out more, and awaiting until you are comfortable/confident with everything.... Good for you in getting to Al-Anon.... in time, the right answers - for you - will be come more clear. Caution seems like a great option, at this point in time...
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
The book that helped me was,"Getting Them Sober." Toby Rice Drew.
I also researched addiction.
I married a man who had been in years of recovery. I had no idea what addiction or being an addict meant.
My experience is if I knew now what I knew then I would never have married, and never, ever would have brought kids into it.
An alcoholic being sober has nothing to do with it. They have a disease that progressively gets worse. All you have to do is read all these shares to learn what the disease does to people lives.
Using a drug is only part of the disease, just stopping means only that, they are not drinking. It is not working on all the other symptoms which can be so much worse.
It is a very sad place to be where you are! It is very strong of you to face what you are facing, the truth is so hard. I would invite you to go to Al Anon meetings where you live as much as you can. Come here and share.
There are meetings here in the chat room.
I can tell you, you are already being affected by the disease adversely. The thing about loving an addict is, the disease makes us sick too. It affects everyone around it. It is very hard to stay healthy living with an addict.
The saving grace can be if both people are in 12 step programs. The chance is higher if they both choose to do this and continue to go and live the skills learned.
An addict cannot just stop using and be ok. In AA they learn how to be in recovery, it is a personalized agenda or guide the A fits to their life to make it better.
For instance along with sobriety, they attend 90 meetings in 90 days, they may go to rehab first btw, they may go to therapy to learn about honesty, how to problem solve, face the hard things life hands out.
Many people are willing to be in a relationship with and A in recovery. The scariest part is, relapse is a part of being an addict. Relapse is not just using again, it can be back to manipulating, lieing, stealing etc.
It does not hurt to put a wedding off at all. Sounds like you both are very concerned. As you can see the talking is making you sick.
What will help you is Al Anon. We learn that the disease is not ours to deal with. In fact it makes them worse if we do. We learn it is ok to love them, of course we do, they are sick not monsters.
We learn skills to face the problems that addicts face. How we can detach from their "stuff" and take care of our own. The healthier we are the better.
The more we have self love and care for our own side of the street the better.
I hope you keep coming back. venting is so helpful, the support you will get here is priceless.
thanks, lyndebi and canadianguy. I am feeling so depressed - I'm sorry. Your advice is good. But what I hear in alanon and here never feels like it's "me and him" - it feels like I'm betraying him, talkng to someone else who tells me he's an alcoholic....I mean, I feel like I've ruined our relationship by "making" a problem of it, by calling it a problem. I feel like my making (what he calls) this "ultimatum" has just torn us apart...revealed all the problems in our relationship...I mean, how I don't like his drinking buddies, and that he's a bartender for a living, and maybe I am just a controlling person.......I wish I could just make a way for it to be okay for me to be okay with his drinking. It' s not like it's the worst drinking problem I've heard of, after all. He's not a daily drinker...but the friends he's chosen are all alcoholics so when he sees them it's always a possibility he'll disappear and come home blacked out drunk late at night....all the times we've tried to make it better, he has (really) put so much effort into trying to control his drinking and a lot of time he drinsk "normally" but eventually the binging starts again (15+) then I wonder if I'm way off, and maybe this should be like "home" you see, I'm British....(he's Minnesotan)....and I'm just realizing how in other cultural term (e.g. British) maybe this is just him having a good time and I'm a party pooper. I imagine I'm the one responsible for saying "no more" and "making" it a problem....do you think I should just use Al anon to become okay with his drinking so I can stay with him? I'm sorry to be so annoying, thanks for letting me waffle on forever. I really do feel depressed and like I am close to losing the love of my life, the one I wanted to marry...and have kids with...maybe if I could just be okay with it, we would be okay
Alcoholism is a progressive disease. It takes some real work to live with it, even then it can be very difficult. Looking back, I can see where I had the dream of what I thought my life and marriage should be. Alcoholism never allowed that particular dream. You aren't "way off". Alcoholics tend to be masters at manipulation. Somehow it gets turned around and they have you believing you are the one with the problem. You are just no fun. You, you, you. That way the focus is off of them and their problem. It's not a cultural problem, it's a worldwide epidemic. Alcoholism knows no boundaries. I suggest you spend a few months going to Alananon meetings and then see how you feel. Sometimes people do learn to live with the disease. Other times they find a different strength in themselves and want something different for themselves. Try living one day at a time while you figure it out. It makes it much less daunting then looking too far in the future.
Take care, Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Aloha Imogen...here's a suggestion...read your post again as if you were someone else and see if you arrive at a suggested solution. If someone else posted this and you were where we are at how would you respond.
Alcoholism, drunkedness, drunk etc are not normal conditions. A recovering alcoholic recently told a group of AA "Sober is the normal condition. We don't require applause for it."
a big THANK YOU for your different and helpful replies. You are all right, of course. When I wrote that I was feeling weak. I am feeling a bit better today. AF is out of town and I have the house to myself. I think it's good timing to have a bit of time like this without him around. Of course I'm still focusing on him, even in his absence LOL but it's not as hard as when he's physically here and I just want him to hug me and tell me everything will be okay and make promises and feel confident he'll keep them.
I am like a little baby.
I know it's pathetic, but it is about fear, and losing something that has also been really good for me most of the time. I am very much in the stage right now of fear, wanting to be able to see into the future by asking other people what happened to them. It would be better if I took it one day at a time at this point, I'm sure, since the "crisis" of another binge followed by my drawing a BIG boundary that scared us both (and I'm already regretting but know I can't let go) is still very fresh; I can't expect either of us to be able to resolve it overnight.
AF this week agreed to go for chemical dependency assessment and invited me to partake (he's had one before but was without me and under great duress). In the past that would have given me hope; now it does a little, but mostly just makes me wonder what will happen next and suspect he's doing it to appease me, not for himself, even though he acknowledges how many times he's felt he needs help to stop binging as he says this is "killing him" and will kill us. BUT I know AF wants to keep drinking because (a) it is a pleasure and most of the time he has only one or two, which makes it very hard to prove why giving up altogether makes sense. (To me it makes sense only because we've tried everything else.) and (b) yes, the alcoholic thinking.
He is very supportive of me and I of him. He is a lovely person but I am afraid making this boundary will make him withdraw that and then where will we be?
Anyway, I guess I really do need to focus on myself since obsessing about him is so exhausting. But it's so frightening to detach, even a little, it feels like I'm losing everything all at once. So Alanon will help. But Alanon is not my AF, and I can't marry or have kids with alanon or curl up on the couch with it - in some ways it's unhealthy and I am "dependent" on him, but in other terms, I love him and have a great relationship. I just think I'm 32 and I want/ need to get married and start trying for a baby NOW, this is messing everything up, dammit! And yet I must face facts.
After all, MY decision/fault to break all the tacit deals we have with each other, shift the balance, end it all. Another part of me fantasizes about ending it and being rid of the anxiety, which really scares me. I am depressed and see a great therapist who is an expert in CD as well (that's her other business)....I don't know. This is the awful thing about relationship problems and break-ups in general, is that that one person you usually go to for comfort and advice (the significant other) has now become someone you shouldn't rely on in that way. It's a terrible situation.
I know it's not the end of the world. I'm just terrible at handling the pain and the waiting and the not knowing.
"He is very supportive of me and I of him. He is a lovely person but I am afraid making this boundary will make him withdraw that and then where will we be?"
I relate to your whole post, but especially this line.
I can already see that happening with us. (loss of the supportiveness in the relationship) It does make me wonder (and I KNOW he's wondering too, even though he does not say it) if this will spell the end.
I feel exactly the way you do, it won't be the end of the world if the relationship does end, and that might be inevitable. But it's gonna hurt, BAD. And the pain, waiting, not knowing. THAT is so hard too.
(((hugs)))
One thing I am starting to grasp through reading about alcoholism... If the relationship did not end now and we kept going and his alcoholism continued, the relationship would end anyway... not by breaking up necessarily but because an alcoholic past a certain point in the disease loses the ability to give anything to a relationship. That is something I began to see in the last couple binges, esp. the final one two weeks ago. This man who stumbled in, had no ability to show any love, support, nothing. AND he barely remembered a thing the next day.
Quite the dilemma. I don't have an alcholic spouse ( my son is my A ) but I can relate to your fear of getting married right now. I think you pretty much answered your own question. That postponing your wedding would proabably be the best thing. Get to your alanon meetings and really work your program and your answers will come to you. None of us can make any decisions for you but we will support whatever you decide to do. You want to know what your life maybe like after marriage... well you are living it right now but remember this is a progressive disease it only gets worse until or if the person seeks recovery. I would be nice to believe that your finace will change once you are married or when you have children. But that is unrealistic. Your finace loves you as much as his disease will allow. As long as they are active in thier addiction no one and nothing will come before thier addiction ever. Thats how the disease works and protects itself. He may be a great guy, wonderful person. I know my son is an absolute joy when he is sober. He is kind and loving, humorous and would give you the shirt off his back. He will do anything as long as it does not interfere with his addiction. If love could cure this disease it would be cured. If anger, disappointment, rage could cure this disease it would be cured. Reality is we can only help and cure ourselves from the effects of the disease. Through alanon we can learn new and healthy coping skills and behaviors to deal with this disease. Once you have have the knowledge about this disease and coping skills you will be able to make an informed decision about where you want your life to go. I wish you the best in recovery Blessings
Thank you all of you for your lovely support and advice. It has really helped me get through this weekend. Today I called a friend who understands and we went on a walk around the lake. And in half an hour I'm attending a meeting. I know that a big part of feeling better and feeling CALMER is the help I got on the boards over the weekend. Thank you, best wishes. I wish I could help all of you like you have helped me.
I tend to think that marriage is not something to be undertaken if there are ANY doubts about its success. Far easier to postpone it until a time when those doubts are gone than to dissolve it in a few years' time.
When I met my ABF, he disclosed that he was a recovering alcoholic with 10 years' sobriety, so at least he acknowledged that he had the disease. What he failed to mention was that he had been relapsing frequently in the years before we met, so his "sobriety" was pretty shaky. When he starts drinking, he cannot stop until he reaches the point of complete physical exhaustion -- that takes about 10 days.
We had been together 14 months when he had his sixth relapse. At that point I sought counselling; I was beating myself up rather badly for remaining in a relationship with an A. Part of me loved him dearly, and believed that he could follow a path of recovery, and part of me believed him when he promised it would never happen again. The counsellor asked me if I would remain in the relationship if someone could predict that the next 5 years would look exactly the same. My answer was an immediate NO. Then she told me that I would have to think about how long I could remain in the relationship if periodic relapses continued.
I thought about it, and sort of settled on "six months". As it turned out, I only lasted until the next relapse, last Christmas. Although we have since reconciled, as he has been sober ever since then and really making a lot of effort. However, I won't consider living with him until he has at least two years' continuous sobriety.
Knowing that alcoholism is a progressive illness that only gets worse if left untreated, perhaps that is a question that you could start thinking about: how long would you want to remain in the relationship if it always looks the way it does now?
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
