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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Lost in confusion...
Post Info TOPIC: Lost in confusion...
twinmom2


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Lost in confusion...
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I realize that the Alanon program is about progress not perfection.  Working the steps is a process that can take years.  i don't have a sponser right now, I have not gained the courage to ask someone to sponser me, probably because I do not go to FF meetings regularly.  Something always comes up from one week to another.  I enjoy the meetings, I always feel better when I go, I learn something new about the program and myself each time. 


I feel very stuck in my progress...  I have admitted that I am powerless over alcohol and I have developed a relationship with my HP.  I've worked on step four, and shared my character defects with my partner, my family, and some friends.  I've tried to make amends with people that I know I have wronged in my life.  The biggest character defect I have to change is my attitude, my anger, the way I cope with disappointments and the "a" way of living.  I have worked hard in my life for to gain my achievements.  Since I have been in this relationship, it has been one problem after another. 


On a daily basis I'm told by my a that I'm the one causing all the problems in this relationship.  I nag too much, I over correct, I plan too much, and I get very angry when things don't go my way.  This is all true... I'm trying to get better, but everyday I react to something.  It's like I have no self control over my mouth.  The thoughts come and before I know it I've said the words and started another outrage in my home.  My a loses control as well.  He gets so angry and defensive if I have any opinion about what he's doing, saying whatever.  If I respond in such a way that sets him off, he is yelling, cussing, whatever.  I shut up at this point, but at times I feel I have to justify my comments.  This does not help, it makes him more angry when I try to justify why I've said something.  I've never had this much trouble getting along with someone.  Yet I love this person, I want to spend my life with him and raise our children. 
Are my dreams just idealistic?  Will this ever be good?  Cause it was good at first but not for long, his drinking was at peak when I met him.  Now, he is totally against program, he feels everyone is too clicky, and truthfully he's had some crappy sponsers. 


I don't feel very successful in program right now, but I know I'm learning something.  I screw up every day.  Every day he seems so miserable with me, and I often feel like maybe I should throw in the towel and let him move on.  I feel that I'm holding him back, he has even said this to me.  " You hold me back from doing what I really want to do."  I've never said don't do something.  You want to go back to school, o.k. fine.  You want to play music, o.k. fine.  I've even offered to take him ( he does not have a license).  What am I missing here for me?


I feel very trapped in my certain circumstances.  The money is thin, I don't have much support with people helping me watch my kids so I can share some free time.  I really don't even have any friends anymore to do things with.  I've allowed someone else to influence my decision making because I believed that was what I was supposed to do for love.  I thought when you love someone, you help them be successful, you support them, you sacrifice for them.  Only now I realize that I did things for him that he needed to do for himself, still needs to do for himself, and he won't.  He gives me the third degree and tells me what a lousy partner I am for not letting him drive the car without a license, I'm lousy because I won't give him 10.00 that we don't have.  I try to make good decisions for me and my children, whether it's financial or just making a decision about what to do for the day.  Whatever it is he wants it some other way, and when I don't give in, I'm the control freak playing his mother.


Thanks Alanon friends for being here for me.



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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Dolphin123


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(((((((((((((((twinmom2))))))))))))),


Are there alanon functions in your area that you can attend with the kids. This time of year there are many picnics in my area that are put on by people in the program, and sometimes even sponsored by AA as well. Maybe you can meet some people willing to help out with the kids so you can attend meetings. When I first came to alanon my "A" and I had just split up. I had our 2 year old daughter with my at every alanon meeting. I was also pregannt with our second child. Over the years at times I have needed to bring all my children with me to meetings, I don't like doing it, I feel like I am causing a big distraction at meetings. But if I really need a meeting, I do what I have to do. I know as a mother it is hard to find the time to get to meetings, but I force myself to go, because I know for me it is sometimes what I need to be sane for another day. I also like having my children around program people, the love they see in those rooms is something I know they need.


I don't let my "A" drive either, when he complains I tell him that if I get pulled over we won't lose the car if he does we will. He gets angry because it is the truth. I also tell him that if he wants his license back he has some hoops to jump through before the state will release it, but he doesn't follow through. I have found that my "A" gets really angry with me is when I say something that he knows is true; for example when he tells me he had a few drinks because he had a bad day, I sometimes say there is always going to be a reason. Stuff like that he does not like, because he can't argue, oh he tries but we both know he is full of sh**.


Your "A" puts the blame on you, because it easier to do that than look at himself. I to am I horrible nag, according to my "A" (along with some other not so nice words). When I use my alanon tools and do not react to his words, that really gets to him, because he knows how big of a jerk he is, he just can't admit it.


Keep coming back, your doing great. Remember you are doing the best you can with what you have.


Much Love,



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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
gknee


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Wow! this sounds familiar.
I don't know much--but i do know this. A's are narcissists. they believe everyone else is the cause of their problems.They also surround themselves with people who are willing to shoulder that burden. If you are feeling confused, its because you know what is really true---and its not the world as seen by the A! You didn't cause it, you can't control or cure it.
Put your own needs higher on the list. I need to do this as well. I always find reason to not go to meetings. I probably don't want to face the truths in my life and how i let a crazy person control mine.
take care-
gknee

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In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.- Daniel L. Reardon
wallsal55


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Detachment is a biggy, and it does not happen overnight.   I pretty much was calm, and nothing I said or did got through to my A while active drinking went on.  I had to practice detachment for three weeks before I got the hang of it! 


Then I kept on practicing it!  Keep on, keepin' on with me, taking care of ME.  Anyway, after  eight months, my spouse noticed changes in me, realized he was losing me---sent him back to AA.   I cannot tell you the incredible amount of time and patience it took, and I could NOT have done it alone or without the support of alanon program and the telephone list!


 I studied the red pamphlet on detachment available at my group.   Also, www.coping.org/control/detach.htm.  Hope this helps! 



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Christy


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twinmom2,
As far as you not being able control what comes out ...we do have choices, and it takes practice. We don't have choices over our actual feelings sometimes, but we do over our reactions. It takes some doing to unlearn all these behaviors that have been so much a part of us all. But with great effort, we can do it. We do have choices, we just need to make every effort to make the right ones.
When I know it's about time for my A to come home from work, I stop and ask HP to be with me, guide me and come in to our relationship as a couple. In doing so I'm reminded of how HP would have me act.
I still slip at times, but not nearly as much as I used to, and when I do slip the things that come out of my mouth aren't as hateful as they used to be.
Sometimes I ask specifically for HP to remind me that I am not my A's judge. When I remember to do that, I can easily hand him over to his own HP who is the only one with rights for judgement.

Take care
Christy

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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them.  And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Jill


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What a pattern I'm seeing here! This weekend my A told me it's my fault he doesn't have a driver's license because I did not encourage him. I thought it was good he could only deal with motor vehicles Saturday mornings. It never happened because he was always still wasted Saturday mornings. This human should drive? Thanks to alanon I was clear that I shouldn't do for him what he could do for himself, so I told him how it works. If he can do it himself, I won't.


Once he calmed down, he regretted not taking care of this earlier, apologized, etc. Now this behavior is only when he's sober, but it really clarified boundaries for me. That's where the progress was, within me.



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