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I am honest. For what that's worth. I say I had dinner with him Wednesday and he looks terrible.
He is yellow and his eyes look bad. He drinks 24/7 and is in bad shape.
And I let them know that I am seeking a divorce, legal protection from what he might do while drunk.
His sister asks if I am okay financially and I say yes. I was raised to take care of myself and as such have a well paying job.
She says that will I get any money from her brother and I said the law is clear, 50% of the money is mine.
She says, does my brother know you are getting a divorce and will take half his money (sic)?
I say, well I told him a month ago, whether he "knows" or not is anyones guess.
Once the sherrif serves him the divorce papers perhaps the reality will become more clear to him, who knows, he is crazy from drinking.
She says "are you safe?"
I tell her I pay $1600 a month rent to be in the safest place i could find. It has security guards, a fleet of them actually and secured garage parking. the guards know my habits and my situation. They know to call the police if my A comes around looking for trouble.
She again asks me what can be done except prayer and I have no answers.
She said my brother in law talked to my husband and he was brutally nasty and I said, so you see how I lived.
I told her about not having a car for a year and a half because her brother said I could not afford one, a matter of public record at this time as that is in my divorce complaint with the court.
I went lightly on the details of my personal hell because, really, what purpose would it serve to tell her?
megan
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Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
It can sure be tempting to share too much info with folks on "their" side, to let them know just how much crap we put up with. To somehow further justify any thing we have ever done to our a's.
You are doing a great job of taking care of the things you can Megan! Keep up the good work, my friend.
When I am asked by my "A"s family about how he is I tell them the truth as well, they know he is an "A" and the truth is all I can give them. I also keep the details down to few, but I amfortunate that I don't have many to give. My "A" is nasty when using, but I no longer put up with it. He can be in his own little hell, but I refuse to have him drag me into it.
Keep up the good work.
Much Love,
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
My husband's family is so in the dark. The are not educated about alcoholism and don't really want to be. I have learned so much over these last 5 months.
You are truly inspirational.
My husband spent a week in rehab. Starts IOP tomorrow. I see that he's making an effort but I'm too afraid to be too optimistic. I wish it could be different, but it's not. He's spending alot of time with our children and they are so happy to be with him.
He's afraid he will drink. The impulse is very strong. He can be weak. I know you know this already, but they are suffering too. It's a terrible disease--it destroys so many.
We can only take it one day at a time. He's sober 12 days.
Glad to hear you aren't trashing him to his family. Sometimes it is so tempting to just lay it all out "This is what my life was like..." but as been said, it serves no purpose. It's always best, I find, to take the high road, just as a matter of personal policy. It's also good to see that they don't seem to be blaming you. That so often is the first step when the inlaws are major enablers.
I think that your filing for divorce is causing his family to be jilted out of their complacancy to face what it going on. They may stick their heads back in the sand though...
I know that staying married, a wife staying with a husband, is many persons way of justifying being in denial about a loved ones disease. My "A" husband often verbalizes this, he says "NO one is going to believe that I am an alcoholic when I have a wife and family, "real" alcoholics usually are left or deserted by their families as they are so bad off".
Me and daughter staying with him is part of his "facade" to the world that he is "OK". He too isolates himself from his family, and they often turn to me for information on him when too long has gone by when he has not contacted them. I know that if I left him they would be shocked and really start to wonder about him as part of his crutch would be gone.
His family didn't have to worry about him that much in the past as YOU were doing all of the worrying. Now that you are moving on, they have to face that he may indeed be very sick and may now need THEM to step in. They care about him but probably don't want to do that, and probably know he won't like it. Easier to put the guilt on YOU for not staying in your role as caretaker.
I know that the times when husband and I have been separated his mother never liked it, thinking that now I am responsible for caring for him now that they have managed to get rid of him.
I think you are right about not giving them much info in the future. It is probably best to stay out of their family dysfunction. You are moving away from being part of the family at this point and it is probably not best to stay involved in family dynamics in a family you are trying to sever ties with.
No matter how close you were in marriage, now that you are divorcing him, family has the tendency to close ranks and they can easily turn into seeing you as the "villian". You don't need that...
Your sister in law gave a little clue to her thinking when she asked if your "A" knew that you were taking half of "his" money. It is NOT "his" money, but YOUR (as in both of yours) money!
They are going to try to protect his interests and may be trying to appear sympathetic to your concerns to try to stay on your good side to get more info about what you are doing so IF they have to come to his aid to fight anything legally, they will have an idea on what they are up against.
I hate to sound pessimistic and paranoid, but I have been through this before. In my first marriage I was very close at one time to EX's parents, having lived with them for a time. Once I left I was the "enemy" and they closed ranks and really fought as a team to try and ruin me.
After this experience I keep my current "A" husband's parents are a distance. They tried VERY VERY hard to be close to me, but I knew it was not a good idea. I am very kind to them, give them gifts and cards, visit them when they are sick, and try to help them with whatever needs they express, but STILL call them "Mr. and Mrs." despite their repeated requests that I call them "Mom and Dad". Mom and Dad are reserved for those two people who have earned those titles by sticking by me through thick and thin, my parents only!
Sure enough, during our last separation, his parents figured out that something was wrong with him and were concerned and thought we were getting divorce. They rallied to HIS support against me. He had said I could have the house and he would sign a quit claim deed on it and leave it to me, my Mom, and our daughter to live in, as it would be easy for him to find another place and he knew we would have a much harder time. He knows we don't have a lot of money and he can work and make a lot more. His Mother hit the roof when she found out he wanted to give me the house and she really pushed him to make me sell it and give him half.
No matter what he said or I said she did not give up, she kept calling me telling me it was "only fair that you give MY son his share" (what ever happened to her wanting me to call her "Mom" and "thinking of me as a daughter"?). She tried to guilt me into selling my home and giving him half. NO WAY this would ever work, but she kept on trying until husband and I got back together.
Blood is thicker than water they say, and I have seen it is true. No matter how close you are to in-laws during a divorce those delicate ties are often severed as they join ranks with thier blood family to get all they can from you to protect their family member.
Be careful Megan, you have lots of caring friends who truly love you and value you, this is a delicate and sensitive time for you, try to surroung yourself with people who will truly be your support system and 100% on your side through thick and thin.
his family is MAD that I am no longer care-taking thier brother.
they are GREEDY about the money.
I have discussed our finances with my lawyer and my husbands family CONCERN about the finances and he says that legally the family has no claim to OUR money.
You see, I have worked 14 out of 14 years married and even though my husband made alot more than me before he became very sick the law is clear, I am entitled to half.
yes blood is thick.
I have choices. I do NOT have to take the upsetting, late night phone calls from his family.
And no, they won't step in to help.
They INSISTED on geeting my new address to "send me a note" No notes yet, 2 months after giving my addy.
So it goes. Thanks for all the concern and ESH
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Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
