The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today my A. told me he is going to quit drinking. His plan is no booze and AA meetings out of town. He asked me outright..."do you believe I will stop" and my honest answer out of my mouth was "no".
I've been down this road before. Few days here and there and no drinking only to have him start.
He reminded me tonight about it being a process. He's right. It is a process...it is also progress, not perfection.
Part of me feels bad for not being this hip hip hurrah cheerleader of a wife cheering him on to sobriety...then part of me remembers no expectations, no disappointments.
The only way I can support him is to encourage him to find the support he needs in AA and remind him that his HP is there with him.
I know this is all his journey.....I have no control over his recovery or lack there of. Maybe I have just been too hurt and disappointed and am totally emotionally exhuasted to even give him what I think he needs.
You can't give away what you don't have. When my "A" says that he is going to quit, I just say ok. He doesn't get the cheerleader routine from me, I don' have it in me anymore either. I am just there for him, I offer to take him to meetings if he can't find a ride (he does not have a license), and just listen to what he has to say. I can't give him the raah raahs, but I can give him the love and respect I feel my husband deserves, without placing my expectations on him.
Much Love,
__________________
"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
I wanted to respond to you , rather than just read your share and move on ...thing is ... I can't think of much of an answer *sighs* ...mine never promised to stop Ne - VER ....he simply drank and drank until an arrrest and that was his bottom , he went to treatment and didnt drink for 8 or 9 yrs
he was in AA a yr ...then a "dry drunk" I adored him regardless
sadly , after 9 yrs he picked up ..in a BIG way ... he was 100 % unwilling to stop ...and that ended the marriage ... I realized I was enabling him to kill himself by letting him stay ... and I became so depressed by it all that I was suicidal ... I used to think daily " my life is over .. it has no intrinsic value , it has no meaning .. all I do in life is serve him "
so one day .. when I found him kissing another A, very publically in a bar parking lot ... i granted his threat of a wish and ended the marriage
It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do
I write this from a perspective of 4 yrs having passed ... and 4 yrs of working on my own recovery
I DO remember that yrs ago 86- 92 it would seem that when ever I worked my own program and put the focus on ME *we * did better ....I cannot help but wonder where we would have ended up , had I not left alanon in 92 when he left AA
I sometimes think I we could have stayed together ...love was not the issue , attraction was not the issue ... I was mad about him ... and in his sick way ... he adored me too
I guess we are a rather classic A marriage story
I do so wish for you a happier outcome than we had . I encourgae you to work on your own program and ask your HP for guidance and stick around to find all the miracles and treasures the program has for you
You can say supportive things without lying - "I love you and hope you make it" "I'll do what I can to help you" Pretending to things that you do not feel doesn't help either him or you. If your relationship is anything like mine was when my husband finally sobered up, the last thing you need is MORE distance between you, and that is what a lie always creates. Anyway, lying to him is part of the whole enabling thing, I think. Letting him know that you don't think he is strong enough to hear what you really think, taking care of him, doing for him something that he should be doing for himself. If he can't get sober without a cheerleader, then he won't stay sober.
I see getting sober as akin to getting slender if you are fat. It usually takes many many tries before something "clicks" and you finally make it...and then you may relapse and gain back the weight or start drinking again in the case of the alcoholic.
I know that if a friend of mine was trying to lose weight, no matter how many times she had tried and failied, that I would be behind her 100%...who knows? This might just be the time that something clicks for her and she makes it...and I would like to think that I was a help to that happening rather than a hinderance.
Sometimes we take our cues off of other people. Teachers know this, if we expect students to do badly they can pick up on those subtle psychological cues and do badly...as expected. I think it is important to find ways to be positive and supportive in sincere ways as others have brought out. Not be insincere, but encouraging.
Try to be encouraging in an indirect way. You could say something like "I have heard of many many people attaining sobriety that are no smarter of stronger than you are, there is nothing special about them, so there is no reason why you can't attain sobreity also".
