my esh on  beattie's  "relationship"  daily reminder...from the "language of letting go"

AUGUST 20
>Honesty in Relationships
>
>We can be honest and direct about our boundaries in relationships
>and about the parameters of a particular relationship.
>

######ROSIE...oh yes, in recovery i learned this...setting healthy boundaries,  respecting other's boundaries...and what the "game rules" are

>Perhaps no area of our life reflects our uniqueness and
>individuality in recovery more than our relationships. Some
>of us are in a committed relationship. Some of us are dating.
>Some of us are not dating. Some of us are living with someone.
>Some of us wish we were dating. Some of us wish we were in a
>committed relationship. Some of us get into new relationships
>after recovery. Some of us stay in the relationship we were
>in before we began recovering.
>
>

####ROSIE...for all relationships...i am not in committed relationship but i have familial and friendships....i am not dating....maybe i need to work on me more....i am not sure i wish it anymore...i know i have to integrate with me first......its ok if i don't get into a comitted relationship...that would be the only one i would want....but right now i am alone,  maybe its best i am by myself  until i learn to love me (working the hell out of my casette).... i don't know what is for me after i settle this with my inner self....but i know i will love me ....i love me enough to work on my subliminal messages and loving me comes first...whatever happens after i don't even think about.....shutting up the old  rotten awful messages is priority for me now...relationships  are after that

We have other relationships too. We have friendships.
>Relationships with children, with parents, with extended
>family. We have professional relationships - relationships
>with people on the job.
>
>

####ROSIE...i have my friends/  child/ siblings/ job/ tennis....i am kinda hunkering down right now..doing my casette messages.....my FIRST priority is  REprogramming my sub conscious mind about me....THAT comes first....

We need to be able to be honest and direct in our relationships.
>One area we can be honest and direct about is the parameters
>of our relationships. We can define our relationships to people,
>an idea written about by Charlotte Kasl and others, and we can
>ask them to be honest and direct about defining their vision
>of the relationship with us.
>
>#####ROSIE...i am being honest and direct with me and my relationship with me. and yes, my relationships....the relationships i have now are ONLY honest ones....NO BS!!!  everyone close to me  honours their words to me....their actions match the words...they are there for me most of the time...they are the ones i want...and yes, we KNOW each others  limitations and boundaries....some relationships i have are deeper than others.....i guess my deepest relationships now would be  my sister "kay"  and my daughter "tina"  and g/daughter "cristy"  and  my BEST g.f.  "rocksieann"  and brother "ricky"  and i have to other girlfriends  "eloise" and "susie"  i don't have a  big network,  but it works for me....i don't have time for the  "acquaintence" type relationships....not now  NOT as i work the deepest issues/layers on me...all i have left in the tank after recovery are my deep relationships...i had to inform lots of acquaintences that  "i am really cranking up on the  REprogramming of me and there for  NOT much time for any relationship that is not a deep one"    i just had to tell the acquaintences  that  "i'll email once in a while, IF/WHEN i got the time/energy"...thats that....i had to be honest....my sister "kay" told me,  "rosie YOU come first--- getting RID of the perp's messages are NUMBER ONE..anyone who doesn't understand/accept that needs to 'get over it' "   she is right!!! i do my  "tape work"  my journalling/  meetings/ sponser/ literature....and THAN i have a   job/ my tennis/ my sports/ dog rescue has taken a back seat for now....and my deep relationships....i want to be "there for my close people"  and i am....i don't let anymore demands on my time/ energy...it isn't there

It is confusing to be in relationships and not know where we
>stand - whether this is on the job, in a friendship, with family
>members, or in a love relationship. We have a right to be direct
>about how we define the relationship - what we want it to be.
>
>

#####ROSIE...yep,  i had this  a short while ago...hearing this and seeing that....the actions did not match the words,  and i had to  let them go...give them up....if actions and words don't match,  i am GONE....NO time   NO energy for the bullshit....if people cannot sit down and  work out  the game plan,  or  actions repeatedly don't match the words,   i am GONE

But relationships equal two people who have equal rights. The
>other person needs to be able to define the relationship too.
>We have a right to know, and ask.>
>So do they.>Honesty is the best policy.
>
>

####ROSIE....yes, EQUAL is the key.....if it isn't 50-50  than it needs to be addressed  NOW.... yes, the right to know "where we both stand".....both people have the right to KNOW  where they stand, what they can expect

We can set boundaries. If someone wants a more intense relationship
>than we do, we can be clear and honest about what we want, about
>our intended level of participation. We can tell the person what
>to reasonably expect from us, because that is what we want to give.
>How the person deals with that is his or her issue. Whether or
>not we tell the person is ours.
>
>

#####ROSIE... yeah, if someone wants more than i can/want to do, i let them know under no uncertain terms....i am VERY clear where i am in a relationship...that is one thing i was pretty good at even sick,  i was always honest with my relatinships....i am now good at expresing my needs/wants  and listening to theirs.....my intended level of participation....yes, i AM telling people "where they stand with me"   what they can expect from me....and it works well......it is their issue how they deal with it....as long as i am CLEAR and HONEST about  MY end of the relationship   which i am...than i am doing well

We can set boundaries and define friendships when those cause
>confusion.
>
>

#####ROSIE...oh yeah,   did it and doing it now--setting down the  "where i stand, etc"

We can even define relationships with children, if those
>relationships have gotten sticky and exceeded our parameters.
>We need to define love relationships and what that means to
>each person. We have a right to ask and receive clear answers.
>We have a right to make our own definitions and have our own
>expectations. So does the other person.
>
>

#####ROSIE...mine is grown....and we have a beautiful relationship.....honesty and respecting each other's boundaries.... whether its my kid or  sibling,  we are "up front with each other"   ALL times....

Honesty and directness is the only policy. Sometimes we don't
>know what we want in a relationship. Sometimes the other person
>doesn't know. But the sooner we can define a relationship,
>with the other person's help, the sooner we can decide on an
>appropriate course of conduct for ourselves.
>
>

#####ROSIE....yep,  total honesty and being "up front"  that is the hallmark of me in a relationship...i got lied to/  stroked/  bs'd  so bad in life, i have ZERO tolerence for bullshit and lies and empty/broken promises.......i'll try to "work it out for a while"   but then i get my belly full and thats IT...its OVER....NO tolerence for that!!!!...if i dont know what i want,  i basically do the  ODAT  rule...and i TELL them...."hey ,  one day at a time ok??"  it usually works ....and yes, when we know,   fine!! reveal!!!

The clearer we can become on defining relationships, the more
>we can take care of ourselves in that relationship. We have
>a right to our boundaries, wants, and needs. So does the other
>person. We cannot force someone to be in a relationship or to
>participate at a level we desire if he or she does not want to.
>
>

######ROSIE....yep,  i want to know EXACTLY where i stand....no BS behind it.....i and they have a right to  express boundaries/ wants / needs.....if we don't match, than you REdifine the relationship.....there are levels of deepness to me....i don't have a mate, so my deep ones are   kay/  tina/ cristy/ rocksieann...than i go down the  steps...a few of my recovery partners are deep/close  ....ALL the way to the bottom where you have occasional emailing with someone....to me??? those are the relationships that get my time ONLY  if/when i hve it.. its not that i don't  have feelings/compassin for the acquaitences, its just they are NOT priority.....

All of us have a right not to be forced.
>
>

#####ROSIE.....yes,  AMEN....i had the  "being forced"  crap with the perp..that is NOT happening again....NOONE forces themselves on me......

Information is a powerful tool, and having the information about
>what a particular relationship is - the boundaries and definitions
>of it - will empower us to take care of ourselves in it.
>
>

####ROSIE....yes,  i like making "informed" decisions about people....it helps when its based on mutual  HONESTY....OPENESS....

Relationships take a while to form, but at some point we can
>reasonably expect a clear definition of what that relationship
>is and what the boundaries of it are. If the definitions clash,
>we are free to make a new decision based on appropriate information
>about what we need to do to take care of ourselves.
>------
>

#####ROSIE....yep,  i climb the ladder one rung at a time....i have to SEE that they are safe as i climb up theladder of  love/trust....and if they prove UNsafe????  back down i go and i usually dont try again.....WILLFUL  dishonesty/ abuse/  is a deal breaker to me...there  is NO second try.... human error is one thing...WILLFUL  dishonesty/abuse are quite another...i don't allow it in my life..... and yes, i take care of me

Today, I will strive for clarity and directness in my relationships.
>If I now have some relationships that are murky and ill-defined,
>and if I have given them adequate time to form, I will begin to
>take action to define that relationship.

######ROSIE....i am doing that already.....clarity and openess  honesty in ALL my relationships..... yeah, the murkey ones, i let go ....i am in DEEP  subliminal reprogramming of me now.....NO time for the  "iffy"  ones....i had /have to let the slide till  later   maybe i'll address them  maybe i won't....there are ones you  "let go--let go"  and walk away

God, help me let go of
>my fears about defining and understanding the nature of my present
>relationships. Guide me into clarity - clear, healthy thinking.
>Help me know that what I want is okay. Help me know that if I
>can't get that from the other person, what I want is still okay,
>but not possible at the present time. Help me learn to not forego
>what I want and need, but empower me to make appropriate, healthy
>choices about where to get that.
>

#####ROSIE.....AMEN  AMEN  and  YES,  let me take care of me no matter WHAT......