SORRY THIS IS SO LONG.......i got kinda  "carried away"......

Hope for Today - August 20

     Steps One, Two, and Three opened doors to
profound and meaningful changes.  The effects of
being raised in an alcoholic family seemed as fixed
in me as my eye color.  Two traits come to mind --
turning to emotionally unavailable people for
support, and engaging in self-doubt and self-hate.

#####ROSIE....NOone was available for me in that hell hole.....i had ZERO support...so at an early age, i just figured  "ok, i am alone...i have to do it"  what a scary thought,  thinking i was ALL alone in the WHOLE world.....and i don't know when the self doubt- self hate really took hold....he worked on me , setting me up for further horrors, so i don't know ...than there was my  constantly drunk mother  insulting me too,  i mean she had her hand in my  growing self hate....i mean i just hated me......and it was EARLY in my life, this began....that is why i feel like i am in a life and death struggle for my life here....getting rid of all the AWFUL negative messages/ programming they did to me   AND the older siblings too.....this is sad!!!  there are FIVE of us remaining  and i am the ONLY one in recovery....THAT is how messed up we are...ONE gets into recovery!!!   and i am a lifer....

With the help of my sponsor, I now see that these
and other traits, not other people, are the source
of my anguish.
    

######ROSIE...yep,  these traits,  the self abuser  the self sabateur.....i am like a trained monkey...the only thing that gives me hope is this----  if he with his  "hit and miss evil"  can mess me up THIS badly  .....i can with CONCENTRATED  and  DEDICATED  work,  can  "unmess me"   that hope i cling to....my mission is  "getting me back"   "finding the REAL me..the ME that was BEFORE the horror of that life"    i will find me,  i will cause like a salmon swimming upstream,  i will risk being eaten by bears to get to my  "REAL ground-- the REAL  i am of me"

That insight, however, was only the beginning.
The real freedom came when I finally admitted I
couldn't get better on my own, which lifted my
denial.  My powerlessness filled my lungs, brushed
my skin, beat in tandem with my heart.  I stood at
the edge of acceptance, took a step, and free-fell
into Step One. 

#####ROSIE....admitting that i could NOT do it on my own was scary for me,  scary and kind of a relief like  "phew, i don't have to DO this by myself-- there IS something within that can help me".....like  this was "over my head"  and  just admitting that..that i was POWERLESS kind of freed me.....the only  scary part of it was   "IS this HP gonna  abandon me like it did during the abuse??? or is it going to step UP to the plate and THIS time DO something????"..i had SERIOUS abandonment issues with ANY concept of any god....so this program became my HP..... i didn't do any "free falling"   i was hanging on the edge so tightly i busted off all my finger  nails-- but i did fall...one can hang on only  SO long....i was FORCED into accepting because life had beaten me down...LITERALLY....i was  headed out to the garage, truck keys in hand,   to asphyxiate myself...i was going to do the "big one"  and THIS time i was gonna get it right...THIS suicide was gonna "take"...but my friend made a deal with me--- give alanon/coda, et al a chance  ONE MONTH...and if it doesn't show you SOMETHING,  i'll let you go...well 18 months later, i am still here...and yes, there are times when i curse larry for all this  damned hard work, i have having to do to keep our "deal"   but i don't want to die with this crap hanging over me...i want it  SETTLED.......i want it  DONE....i want him GONE!!!!!

I realized that if only I could
remember I was truly powerless over these effects
and not try to pretend otherwise, I would be fine.
Why?  Because of Step Two.  A Power greater than
myself can help me.  What that Power is and how it
can help me doesn't matter.  It is only important
that I can place my restless hope in this Power. 

####ROSIE ....yeah, its so funny,  its like when i discharge all the feelings and sometimes i am really discharging some real emotions, because of the need to control to avoid the helplessness i feel which  REALLY  pi#$#s me off...once i get past THAT stuff,  i can look and say   "ok,  i can't do anything...i am  walking away"  it is like something  cosmic  releases the karma and the energy clears, and i can  feel FREE of it.....AND it usually either goes away on its own,  OR i find the answer someway...but i am  "cleared up"  for right action....its cool....i just wish i was better practiced......i know---- ONE day at a time!!!!   a power greater than me?? i think it is within me....i see god/jesus as corporate!!!  on the private sector we have the "christ within--aka holy spirit--aka god within"  i pray to that part of the "source" that is within me....all i know is that my "inner"  connects me to the  "source" and things seem to go MUCH more smoothly when i   "let it go-- walk away--- DETACH" ...for some reason  "surrender" is a trigger word for me..its like  being "bent over" for more abuse.... so i call it   "allignment or cooperation" with my HP....i also  DETACH  when i am powerless.....whatever terminology i use, and i am going to use what does NOT trigger me,   whatever the word...it works...i just need to train me  for more consistency

 In
Step Three I then surrender my thoughts, feelings,
actions, dreams, needs -- my whole life -- to the
care of this Power.
    

####ROSIE... i  call it  "alignment--- cooperation"  with the universal scheme of things....."going with the flow of life rather than against it"   what is written in my chart is there, but i CAN modify my life chart with my attitude and building a better  healthier relationship with me/  life/ god  and bit by bit i think i am progressing....

i  remind myself that I
am not alone and that these three Steps are my
stepping-stones to surrender, sanity, and eventual
serenity.  I have used them in quick sequence many
times since.  My life has changed for the better and
continues to improve.  I feel more like "me" than I
have in 20 years.

######ROSIE....yep,  i go to them  DAILY.....it IS getting easier to  REvisit these steps....i don't WANT to fight life anymore...i am burned out of fighting and protecting on the EXTERNAL...i want to focus on the   INTERNAL...the  essence of me/ my "being"  part of me / my emotions, yes,  but the feelngs and  "being part of me"   that part that had to shut down in order to survive the attacks done to me....and yes, i DO feel better about  me/  who/ what i AM.....

>AUGUST 19
>Letting Go of Shame
>
>Shame is that dark, powerful feeling that holds us back.
>
>###### ROSIE....oh yeah,  being ashamed of  who/ what i am?? for WHAT??? what did i do???  but thats how i have felt about me....ashamed of my OWN life, my OWN being...

Yes, shame can stop us from acting inappropriately.  But many
>of us have learned to attach shame to healthy behaviors that
>are in our best interest.
>

#####ROSIE....yep,  i hear you on this one....being ashamed of me is BS,  and i am working/ dedicating myself to CHANGING this....i have done NOTHING evil that cannot be forgiven....mistakes???  SURE...plenty of them....but outright EVIL????   NO!!! but here i sit fighting in the fight of my life to   learn that i CAN love me because i AM loveable..i AM ok..i AM worthy....

>In dysfunctional families, shame can be tagged to healthy
>behaviors such as talking about feelings, making choices,
>taking care of ourselves, having fun, being successful, or
>even feeling good about ourselves.
>

#####ROSIE....yep,  i didn't say a WORD during my life there....NOTHING...i was too shut down....i was there, but not there....i shut down my ENTIRE  "internal essence"  i had to...i woldn't have made it if i did not....my feelings the only ones i could see where  TONS of fear/ and LOADS of anger.....choices???  so many bad ones due to my inability to take good care of me...my  "diminished capacity"...taking care of me????  oh i fed myself,  washed myself,  the EXTERNAL  the  (doing part)   but the INTERNAL???  the (being part)   what was that???? the only fun i had was when i could run away and pretend it all didn't exhist....OR when i retreated to my  "other life"   the one in my head/ fantasies...than i had a life...i was happy... sucessful??? in my fantasies, i was...i love me / was loved in my "other life"   i guess i can say i am a sucess just by surviving it all,  but i want MORE...i want to make THIS life pleasurable too....that is why i am here,  doing  2-4-6 hours per day of recovery work sometiems....cuz i want  ME BACK!!!!

>Shame may have been attached to asking for what we want and
>need, to communicating directly and honestly, and to giving
>and receiving love.
>
>

#####ROSIE....oh ANYthing beyond food and water and clothes,  you didn't express,  and even then..we were deprived so many times....i remember robbing the  break and milk delivery trucks to feed me and my siblings...stealing clothes off clothes lines so i had something decent to wear, and THOSE  s.o.b's  were dressing to the  "nines"   eating steaks  oh yeah, the parents satisfied THEIR needs  but NOT ours.....when the perp was in a good mood he would take us clothes shopping,  but mostly i had to steal  or try and find work....communication??? that was a joke!!!  i learned that  "blending in with the furniture" was the best approach.....and love???   didn't even know what it was, unless it was the perp in my room at nights.....or ONCE in a while my drunken mother would  show me some tenderness, but it was rare, and it could  IMMEDIATELY change  from   "ok  to dracula"   NOTHING was secure/ constant/ structured.....we  "'exhisted on the fly"   literally you lived by the second....

Sometimes shame disguises itself as fear, rage, indifference,
>or a need to run and hide, wrote Stephanie E.  But if it
>feels dark and makes us feel bad about being who we are,
>it's probably shame.
>
>

#####ROSIE.....yep,   fear of failure   fear of sucess  i mean  "what if the perp is right and i AM a total dips#$t???"   oh yeah,   "not caring"   it was my "protection tactic"....running and hiding....i remember one time i was giving a speach  in 9th grade, it was awsome , the kids leaning forward to hear me because if there is ANYthing the perp did NOT take from me, it was my ability to write well and my silver tongue.....well in the MIDDLE of it i got my FIRST of  years and years of panic attacks....the room began to feel funny....my body kinda felt numb and tingly,  my heart felt weird,  i felt like i was gonna  "lose it"  i mean  i thought i was falling apart....i could barely breathe....talk about the darkness....i thought  what marbles i managed to keep were deserting me......i had to tell the teacher i was sick and leave!!!!  i ran into the nurses station at the school and she was really cool....she said  "whats the matter sweetie??" i gave her some lame brain thing that i had forgotten breakfast and was getting a major chemical rush.....it was awful and it added to my shame

In recovery, we are learning to identify shame.  When we can
>recognize it, we can begin to let go of it.  We can love and
>accept ourselves - starting now.
>
>

######ROSIE.....yeah,  i KNOW it is HIS inventory ,  NOT mine....i am ok....hey if nothing ELSE...i am the one who is going NORTH when i die...  where he went SOUTH for sure!!!!! 

We have a right to be, to be here, and to be who we are.
>
>

#####ROSIE...you danged right!!!! i have a RIGHT to be here, and i have a RIGHT to claim the real me  and i am fighting for it/  me

And we don't ever have to let shame tell us any differently.
>-----

######ROSIE...nope...i set some  BIG boundaries on the self abuser...i am gonna bind her like god is gonna do to the devil soon....tie her up in chains and shut her mouth!!!!!   i tell myself the  things that are the TRUTH about me.....through clenched teeth at times, but i MAKE myself do it.....someday i will believe it

>Today I will attack and conquer the shame in my life.
>
####ROSIE....yep,  my attack is making a cassette tape  tailor made for me/  MY voice/  MY affirmations to me....and i am gonna play that sucker till it wears out and than i'll do it AGAIN....what EVER it takes to overwrite all his  LIES...BS....HIS crap,  not mine....what EVER i have to do.....i am tough and i am strong  and i am a fighter and i am a survivor...and i am gonna NEED all this  to wage this war on my  self shame/ self hate....but WITH  the help of my  "christ within"  i can DO this....i CAN  I CAN   I CAN   I CAN.........thank you   / rosie