Hi Shirley.  Welcome!  You've come to the right place for support.  I am very new here (found this place last week), and I find that everyone is so nice and supportive.  Anyways, I just wanted to say that I can feel your pain and frustration.  I can kind of relate to you because my husband said the same thing your husband said about he can have a drink anytime and it will be no problem.  In my situation though, my husband was a year into sobriety when I met him, and he went 9 years without drinking, until last month.  So up until last month, I didn't know what he was like when he drank.  All I had to go on was what he told me about his past.  He says he has his drinking under control, but since I am on the outside looking in, I see him spiraling out of control.  Sure there are days when he only drinks 2 or 3 beers, and there are days that he doesn't drink at all, but after he goes a day or two without drinking, the next time he drinks, he drinks a little more than he used to.  The ironic thing about all of this is he told me that he wanted me to watch his drinking closely and monitor him and if I see that he is losing control to tell him and he will stop all together.  I didn't and still don't want that responsibility.  He found out today that I am going to attend an alanon meeting tonight, and he asked why, and I told him that his drinking is a problem for me and I see him spiraling out of control, and that I needed support from others in my situation so I can learn to take care of myself despite his drinking.  He said to me that he has it under control and that I shouldn't worry.  So what he said about monitoring him and saying he will stop if I see it is a problem to me was a lie.  

I also had a ton of difficulty talking thru fear and it was fear that I was feeling before
the anger arrived.  There are so many members who come here who are devistated
by broken trust and hope and their stories reveal how much focus and pressure and
self confidence we put on others.   If she drinks I feel bad.   That is how it use to
happen for me.  My addict wife and then alcoholic/addict second wife and the other
alcoholic relationships in my life were responsible for my happiness and sadness
until I saw the truth in what I was doing and found that from within the rooms of the
face to face meetings of the Al-Anon Family Groups.   I was choosing relationships
(however long termed) with women who were unable to be responsible for their own
happiness and sadness much less mine at the same time.  I learned to get off of
her back and not carry the extra weight while she was so sick from alcoholism and
other addictions.

I heard a joke in early program that really understated my condition as a fixer in
alcoholism.   "An Al-Anon member was going home after attending one of her
local meetings and was in a fatal head on accident.  Just before she died the life
of her alcoholic passed before her eyes."  It wasn't as humorous as it was truthful
for me.  I was more fixated on my alcoholic/addict spouse's life than living my own.

Let the wagon continue on...don't look back...let it take you to a face to face
meeting of the Al-Anon Family Groups so that you can learn what many of us have
which has saved our sanity and lives and brought us to peace and serenity.  The
hotline numbers are in the white pages of your local telephone book.  Call and
go as quickly as you can.   Let the fear and anger go away.

(((((hugs)))))

Hello and welcome

First if you haven't already done so I would suggest that you please find an alanon meeting in your area and run don't walk to get there as soon as you can. It will save your sanity and thats a promise.
Alanon will also show you how this disease works and how powerless we are to stop it. Learn as much as you can about this disease, attend alanon and as you work the steps and change your own behavior you will see your husband in a different light.
I hear in your words how incredibly angry and volatile you are right now. I think we have all stood in those shoes, my son is an addict and I am totally anti violence but there were times I just wanted to shake him so hard that i would shake this disease right out of him. But know that violence is never the answer. For me prayer worked so much better. I would make up a prayer mantra for whatever I was feeling, go into a quite place and just say it over and over in my head until those feelings passed. There has been many a time I have fallin asleep while praying my mantra and wake up with a different perspective, and be thankful.
Your husband is sick. alcoholism is a disease that can be arrested but never cured. Your husband did tell you that if he wanted to drink he would...so he was honest and up front about that,
You are definitly in the right place as his drinking is affecting you. I pray you will start your own recovery today. By the time I hit the doors of alanon I was as sick if not sicker than my son. My own behavior ( feeling much like you) was way out of control and I was handling my sons addiction in all the wrong ways...convinced that I could control him and making myself crazy for not being able to control him. Our home has always been one of peace and happiness we never yelled or screamed at our children. And I became a person even I didn't know anymore. I was yelling and screaming on a daily/hourly basis sometimes. I would get so mad and frustrated I am ashamed to say that I said things to my beautiful child that no mother should ever say to thier child ( I have since made ammeds to him for my actions). I knew right then and there I needed help.
I can't fix my son, I am powerless over him and his disease but I can learn new behaviors and healthy coping skills to help me deal with addiction.
I will be here for life as this program is for YOU and me. It's not about changing anyone except ourselves. And learn how to achieve peace and serenity wether your husband is drinking or not.
I won't lie... it's a process. Nothing changes overnight but they do change as you grow in the program. You will find love and support here and at the meetings.
We also have meetings twice a day online you may want to check out.
There are many many members here a lot wiser than me and many of them live with thier alcoholic/addict spouses. They love them and through this program are able to live with them in spite of thier disease.
Okay probably gave you more information than you want right now
I will leave you with what an old timer told me when I first hit the doors of alanon
" this program is free, work it for 6 months and if you feel you are not getting anything out of it feel free to leave and we will gladly refund your misery"
I stayed and never looked back...I became willing to work on me, I was open to what others were saying even when i didn't like what I was hearing.
I listened and learned thru people who had been walking in my shoes a lot longer than me.
Please stick around, join us for a meeting, keep posting many many wise people will give you thier best experience, strenght and hope. No one will tell you what to do, any choice you make will be supported.
Blessings to you

You don't have to fix him, that is what we are all saying here. You can only change you and your ways. Good luck to you, in peace....

I really, really appreciate everyones replies and help. I'm sorry I came off crabby, but I was so angry. I don't feel as angry this morning. I am moving on with my plan and whats best for me and my kids.
I have contacted my local hospital for alanon meetings and they are to call me back. They thought it was Friday nights. I live in a very, very small town, so everyone will know my business in a matter of days.

Thanks again everyone.

Hi Shirley

I am so glad you found al anon and are going to attend some meetings.  No one here will tell you to stay or go that is your choice.  But whatever your decision you have been affected by someone else's drinking.  Alcoholism is a family disease and al anon is the medicine for the family.

My partner has been attending AA for about 5 years he has had 6 months sober slipped, 9 months sober slipped and just had 2 years and is active again. Al anon has taught me so much about alcoholism how it affects all involved.  I have done a lot of work on myself and have made friends for life in al anon no one else understand what it is like to live with alcoholism its lovely to be able to speak honestly and nor be judged or told what to do.

Al anon loved me till I learnt how to love myself.

The last slip my partner had I asked him to leave he was gone for a while hit rock bottom and went back to recovery so I took him back.  This time when he drank I tried to support but he broke a boundary I put in place to protect me so I asked him to leave.  He has been gone for nearly two months I know he is progressing and has lost his job etc,  However my home is peaceful I have been going to extra meeting and providing a healthy environment for our grown kids. I can not live with active drinking but that is my choice, over the past couple of weeks I have grieved felt my pain and anger but I have not acted out on it thank god.  I know my partner is very sick, I know he is a lovely man and I know it is not personal, but it hurts so I have to protect me and the kids.  He is going to do what he is going to do I do not like to watch today.  I hand him over to the higher power I believe in.  As for the future I do not know hat it holds I just live each day as it comes and try and keep the focus on myself.

 

let us know how you get on at you al anon meeting hope you get what I did love support and encouragement.

 

hugs tracy xxxxx 

 

 

Just found out tonight that my husband who just got his 9 month chip is off the wagon. My heart hurts. Not sure what to do now. It is devastating. His sponsor does not know yet. I wish there was something just for the loved ones. We may not have the disease but feel the pain deeply.

((Laine)) Welcome Alanon is the place for family members to seek the support and understanding that they need. Please check out the white pages for the hot line number and call, Face to face meetings are held in most communities and help. Relapse is part of the diseaae - you are not alone.