Thank you, David. I'm just so scared and sad....

Hello, really for you , I have been in the same position to you I have three children but am now divorced from my A.  I always put my ex-A first and sometimes still do I am sad to say and yes my children did suffer because of it.  Whilst I was with my Ex-A I never realised just how much it had all affected them.  My eldest daughter is 15yrs and it amazes me how much insight she has sometimes.  I was thinking I was hiding so much from them and infact I had hid very little.

We have been apart three years now and none of my children would want to live with their father again.  They all love him considerably and he is not now even drinking , but still they would not want to live with him.  This disease caused so much damage and denial is our most deadliest character defect. 

I would say in my defence at the time , I did the best I could with what I had.  If I had had the knowledge I have now then, I still dont know I would have done things different. All I can say is have faith and courage and your HP will see you through.  You already have more courage than I had. Will be praying for you.  Much Love Mel

(((((sq)))))  I really feel your pain, I have been there too, and not so long ago.  I think if I left or had him leave for a little while there would be no hope for us or he would not love me anymore.  It got so crazy like you I had to do something so I went with trusting in my HP and the things I heard in meetings.  See I believe my Hp talks to me through the people in the room and these boards.  I had to do something different and that was scarey, but I did it.  I to had to detach completely for awhile from my A but not program people.  For me it meant going to a meeting everynight and doing LOTS of talking to my sponsor.  Doing fun things with program people even though I really wanted to hide under the covers.  I know the only thing I could change was me and that the same things would continue to happen if I was not willing to do something different.  Doing something different meant being uncofortable but trusting that my HP would take care of it.  I had to cup my hands and picture my A in those hands and lift them up to my Hp and give him to God.  I also did that with me and my daughter.   God took care of me.  I miss my A, but I have to take care of me.  If I am the going to set examples for my child, I want it to be that I am taking care of myself and learning how to make me happy.  I can't change the things my daughter lived with when I was with the A I can only show her that she don't have to except unexceptable behavior.  My A calls now and wants to come back home.  For me that can't happen right now as nothing has changed and I know I will in time live the same way.  I know this because I have done it over and over.  I keep asking God to guide my and keep me strong and keep saying tell me what to do God.  When he does I have to trust and do it.  Good luck to you and remember this to shall pass.

 IF YOU WORRY WHY PRAY AND IF YOU PRAY WHY WORRY!!!!

 

((((sq))))

-- Edited by Carol at 09:40, 2005-08-18

((((((((((((((((((sq))))))))))))))))))))))),

I will keep you in my prayers.

You are doing what you feel is right. Change is scary especially when tied with the unknown. But you have the light of your HP to light your path, and many people to help you if ever you need us. We are here for you.

Much Love,

Thank you so much. I have never prayed so hard for people to be online right now!

He just came home about an hour ago. Seeing him walk thru the door made my heart just sink. I love this man so much that it hurts. We did our usual hellos and hug...me knowing what is in store for him tomorrow. He retreated to the basement now. I run a daycare so the upstairs is full of lil' kids laughing and playing.

I keep reminding myself that I can't turn back now. My daughter saw the struggle in my face and when he left the room she gave me a hug. I don't doubt what needs to be done..I don't doubt my plan. I'm just nervous and scared. Scared of the unknown. Today my sponsor told me......she knows I am afraid of losing him, but in actuality I lost him awhile ago. I just want the man back that I married. The father that my children use to have. I know that is out of my hands though.

To have him come in sober and loving, to see his face and see him happy to be home almost makes me want to retreat and not face what is really going on. I MUST STAY STRONG.

Well, I am halfway there to my destination (plan for the day anyway). By the grace of my HP I was very busy last night w/the last daycare kids leaving at 11pm.....baseball game was on and hubby just went to bed and fell asleep watching it. The evening wouldn't allow any time for him to want to be intimate. This morning I had kids starting at 6 am so when he got up I was already busy.

I keep reminding myself that this HAS to be done. What keeps battling in my mind is how he isn't as bad as he was, say 6 months ago. Why didn't I do it then? But actually I do believe that I had all I could do to deal w/the immediate drunken bouts, taking care of me and the kids for the moment at hand. Now I somehow have found the strength to deal with the whole situation, almost as if there is a small break in severity to allow me opportunity to do what I need to do.

It's difficult to have him NOT be drunk (but still be drinking) and confronting him about his disease and its effects. Although, past experience has taught me that he doesn't remember when he is drunk, so my attempts were fruitless. So in actuality now is the perfect timing.

Now to just get thru this morning until midafternoon.

Hi sq ((SQ)))

It is a very very hard decision to leave someone we love.

I did it in May, left my husband of 14 years and it was a very very difficult decision.

I just could not live with the active alcoholism anymore, it was destroying me along with him.

When I spoke to my priest about my upcoming divorce, he said that in many ways my husband had not been married for years in the eyes of the Lord.

And that is true.

I love the man that I married and even know he is still there perhaps inside the thick twisted skeleton of person ravaged by late stage alcoholism, I still do love him

But I love myself more I have found and that is why I am in recovery

Be gentle with yourself. This is a very difficult thing you are doing

megan

((((sq))))

You are so brave and working so hard.... Bravo to you. I've been logging on and off the board all day from the office looking for your update...

Remember, sometime's it's not even one day at a time, but one hour or one minute at a time. You've take a very big step today. Remember, to breathe deeply, relax and let your HP guide you.

Praying for a peaceful evening for you.

Barb

SQ,

BE STRONG...

I was in your shoes just a month ago. I left for 5 days then after a commitment to change I came home. Well, it has gotten better however he is still drinking. Sneaking around thinking that I dont know..
When I left I cried so much my eyes were swollen shut.. I thought I had no more tears and they just kept coming..

I am sooo in your shoes.. Your daughter is right. They deserve better,... I know this in my head just wish my heart would let go.

That is why I am here, to get strength.. So that next time I wont give in.. Next time I will have the strength to stay away.

God Bless you..
I will pray for you..
Tammy

wow,

that was just like a flash back in time for me.

flash back to christmas, 2000.

i left in the middle of a huge snowstorm, and drove to my sister's 8 hours in driving wind and snow.  angels on my wheels i'm sure.

i too, worried what it would do to him.  i could not speak to him.  could not listen to the pain in his voice.  it would certainly bring me back to 'rescue' him.  i wrote him letters via email.  it enraged him.  of course in the beginning it was all about him.....  BUT  it drove him to his bottom and he went for help.  (i did not intend for that, i just had to get out).  i too asked him to leave for the sake of the children, to keep them in their own school etc.  and he complied. 

i wrote him about how this move was about ME for once.  how his drinking had affected me and my parenting.  how it had made our whole family sick.  i knew i would need a 12 step program to get better.  thank God for alanon!  and all my friends here and in my home group...

stay strong, you are on a path to sanity and serenity. 

remember that enabling keeps us all sick.  feeling pity for someone is not love.  sometimes, you gotta be tough to do the best for all involved.

ps.....my a are now back together after a 2 and 1/2 year separation.  we have been back together for 2 years......sometimes miracles happen.

 

jo

You don't know how much you people mean to me. Thank you so much.

Well, I got three messages on my cell phone Friday evening. One before he saw the letter asking me to go to dinner. Second one saying he read my email, knew it was coming and was going to eat (translation...bar since that is the only place by us) and the third was a broken message (from his cell) saying something about needing this and something about making calls. I never returned his call.

I spent time w/my Program friends friday night then I headed out of town because I knew if I stayed close to home I would return home. Looking for some relaxation I found it really difficult to do. I ended up working my butt off Saturday till I was exhausted. Some friends needed some help moving trees and brush for a new house they are having built and I needed to keep my hands busy. That I did! I worked so hard I literally collapsed and fell asleep on their floor Saturday evening.

Here is something that is amazing that I know my HP put in my life. One of the women that was there helping move brush raises Monarch butterflies. She finds the caterpillars and takes care of them until they hatch from their coccoon and then releases them. I had never met her before and she was showing me this box that she had where all these cristlis (sp?...I call them coccoons) were hanging from the top. She said there is one that was due to emerge any minute that day. I got to witness a monarch make it's way into the world. Something so beautiful it brought tears to my eyes. Here was this thing in a cramped ugly environments, struggling to make its way out. It emerged this wet weak thing w/a potential for beauty. When it first "hatches" the wings are really wet and it hung on to her finger as the moisture dripped off. Little by little it got its strength and opened up its wings. You could see it growing stronger by the minute. Originally starting out hanging upside down on her finger, the stronger it got, it would crawl to the top of her finger and then she released it. I have NEVER had such a spiritual experience relating to how I was feeling before. Amazing.

I slept like a rock last night and even slept quite a bit today. I felt okay driving home knowing that we were gonna have to face this.

I walked into the house and he was in the bedroom watching television...blue book on the bed. I had prayed to my HP to help me find the words, to provide the opportunity and the courage and it was there. I started simply by saying "what are we gonna do?" and his reply was simply "I am gonna quit". I asked what his plan was and he told me he was going to go to meetings during the week when he is out of town. Then he asked me where I learned to run away...how had I told him what I was thinking he would have changed sooner. I knew not to buy into that and out of my mouth I told him that I did what I had to do, and this wasn't about me "running"..this was about me taking care of me. You could tell he was uncomfortable talking to me but he NEEDED to hear me. I needed him to see me cry......to see me hurt. I am tired of always bottling things up. He asked me if I believed he would sober up and I said the first thing that felt and that was no. For an instant I felt bad that I said it, but it was the truth. I have been down this road before and I know better. He said he has too much to lose and that he'll stop drinking and we will be okay. I asked him "what if we aren't" and he looked at me and said maybe too much damage is already done.

The only thing that I could promise him is that I will not make a decision today in regards to our marriage. We both agreed that this isn't gonna change overnight..it is a process. I seriously don't know at this point what will happen. We both agreed that we have to work our own programs and came to a conclusion that we just don't know where this is gonna take us.

I'm suprisingly okay tonight. I cried a lot today and I did hug him and told him I do love him. I told him that right now I don't have anything to emotionally invest in him. This can go many different ways......I guess only my HP knows and I am going to continue working my Program and living my life and allowing him to attempt to work his and let his HP help him.

One thing that I did realize this weekend though...away from him I can breathe. I can be me. I laughed, I smiled, I cried, I lived. I felt a reprieve of sorts.

We cried together and when I said I'm scared because I don't have the answers and I don't know where this is going he agreed.

Today is just today. I am gonna focus on the process and not the outcome. I am going to pull my oars in and allow my HP to take me whever it is that I am to go.



-- Edited by sg at 08:41, 2005-08-22