The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband and I got home from work last Friday to both my son and his waif of an alcoholic girlfriend packed up and gone. I leave for work earlier than my husband, who apparently told them that if they weren't packed up and out by the time we got home, he'd let the Fairfax police handle them. He also told them what wasn't packed up and suitable for storage would be thrown in the trash. The only thing I found was our house key sitting on the front stoop. He didn't leave a note. (The night before we did make it clear to our son that he could stay, she could not, but obviously he chose the girl. No big surprise.)
While cleaning out his room the next day, I found a receipt from Western Union from his business partner for $422. Not much cash to get very far-my guess was that he had returned to their original state (FL)since the girl has to show up at her ex's arraignment on Sept 6 as a witness (he battered her in late May). He is pleading "not guilty" and he'll get off if she doesn't testify. Besides, even her parent's don't want her, and the only "friend" who would take her in once we kicked her out was another recently married "ex boyfriend" in their 1 bedroom apartment in New Hampshire. That is only one of the fates my son didn't want her to befall to.
So I'm thinking it would be best for him to be back where they started. He'll be with his friends at the very least and can continue to work with his partner (software developers). I know he did manage to pack up his computers to continue his work. My daughter, who lives nearby in our current location, keeps up with this crowd in FL (where we raised our kids). She contacted a mutual close friend on Monday who verified that my son was indeed back. Whew.
The only caveat is that she had worn out her welcome there as well. Previous to them leaving town I had contacted his business partner to inquire about this girl. He had told me that her nickname to all of them is "Lost cause" and that Eric's roommate had kicked her out of the apartment 3 times before they left to live with us.
The two of them have now pitched a tent in the backyard of one of his buddies. The mutual friend promises to keep tabs on my son for our sakes, but it will be difficult because he "can't stand to be around the girlfriend for more than a few seconds".
I've written my son a few emails to his work email letting him know that when he tires of sleeping in a tent, he's got a home where his family loves him. This girl is not welcomed in our life. Since she's been involved with our son for less than 4 months, we're hoping now that he's living in a tent, she'll move on.
I think my son is in at least the beginning stages of alcoholism. I know he's involved in a co-dependent relationship with a "lost cause" and enabling her to continue her addiction. I wonder what is in it for him, and if he'll be able to survive it.
i had to go back and found your first post but not the second.
In alanon we learn to let go and let god. We have no control over the A that we love that is in our life.
I myself learned to make boundaries. Not just with my A, but also with my kids.
My son is 29, he would never move back home, as he values his independance.
When I read your son was also up all night, slept all day, I knew there was some heavy drugging going on. I believe it is not just her either.
I am glad they are both out of your home. I figure my kids are adults. I don't seriously encourage them to come home. They will never grow up and find out they can take care of themselves, if i always provide a net.
Boundaries are so important in my recovery plan. I don't hunt my kids down or ack them a million questions. They are adults they have to take care of themselves. i love it when they do share with me. But who they are with is none of my business, and I remember from being a kid, the more a parent protests the more the person wants to hang on to unhealthy things and people to try to prove the parents wrong. Meaning they are showing see I can be in control....
I thought as I read your son was 17 or something. I don't think you guys are foolish at all. I think you were caught off guard with no knowledge to know what to do.
NO WAY would my parents had allowed me to move home and throw everything in their living room. How rude!! Then I read you said he would snap if you asked him to do anything????? I would say well life sucks for you budi, move your stuff in your room or back into your car!!
When did parents start tip toeing around their kids??? I am not pointing at you at all. I am a single parent, was a widow for 18 years, had to be a strong lady too.
My kids turned out super well and independant. They help ME.
Yes your love for your son is so so so apparent and he is so fortunate. But do him a favor, get the book, "Getting Them Sober." You will learn the best way to help our A's is to not help. To turn our backs and let them figure it out.
i would say, well I would not want to live with her but you must see something I don't. Or it is up to you.
I always said i love you, guess you better figure it out huh?
Neither of my kids will take anything from me. I have to be creative. if i want to give them money I buy them dinner instead, or get them credit at the building supply store etc.
They are proud of being able to do for themselves. And you can give your son this by saying NO. Or by saying, I love you son, I am so sure you will figure it out.
And ya know, he will.
WE have got to let them go so they can find their own power and strengths. They have to. I know so many men living at their mommies house!!! It just blows me away. These men are in their fifties!
Anyway hope you continue in alanon. Have you gone to meetings? They would be so awesome for you both. Be nice to have someone to go with.
Thanks for your encouraging remarks. I did post installment 2 below the replies to my original entry, so maybe it was just hiding in there. That installment told of the action we took of kicking them out when they had made no move to leave 5 days after requesting that my son take responsibility by removing her permanently from our lives.
Actually, my son is 27, and until this 1st rebound move back for 6 weeks and 4 days I would have said the same exact thing about my kids as you did about yours. I've always thought of him as intelligent, sensitive, a great judge of character, and independent - until now. This just blows us away and hurts tremendously as this trip he made many references to his childhood and the ways in which we may have been in denial about him. He was not at all interested in our input. He seems depressed and unable to see this girl for what she is. He made many references to the fact that some people don't cope as well as others, he literally cried in my arms more than one time in those 6 weeks, and each time the girl intruded on our privacy just as I felt I was getting some truth out of my boy. I've never seen him like this and it rocked my world. Even if he had returned home in this emotional state alone it would have been challenging, but introducing her into our lives with the degree of problems she had was a selfish judgement call on his part.
My husband, his natural father, was angered more than once at what he described as his manipulative behavior. I was astounded when he defensively described the girl as the "perfect guest" who keeps to herself and cleans up after herself. Whe we asked him to do any chores at all it was like pulling teeth, and in the first few days did whatever he could to establish his invasion into our home as that of a "roommate". It hurts me to see this huge estrangement between father and son.
I do agree that there may be heavy drugging going on. Luckily we did not see evidence beyond what we did, and since he is normally brutally honest and has always had a circadian sleep disorder, we took him for his word on his own use (none). I know differently about the girl, but we do hold our son 100% responsible for bringing her home anyway. We also are questioning our own judgement in saying "yes" to bringing her with him in the first place, especially right on the heels of his separation to a girl, his wife of 4 years, we genuinely bonded with and cared for.
Actually, at this point my husband and I are angry - at him and at bit at ourselves. In some ways I feel guilty for kicking him out, but know in my heart that we did the right thing - for us and for him. We made it clear that the girl had problems bigger than we were equipped to handle. I guess it hurts that he left without a goodbye, a thankyou, or anything at all.
As the days go on we are beginning to accept this and hopefully it is not the end of what I once considered to be a good relationship.
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