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Help me understand something about the flip side of the disease of Alcoholism. After 14 years of marriage (while drinking) I checked myself into a rehab 2 years ago. When I went in my wife was very, very angry. So angry, in fact, my councilors, upon meeting her, suggested that I stay at the rehab for 2 more months of extended care rather than go home to a non supportive atmosphere and risk relapse. My wife was very cold to me during this time. When I spoke to her on the phone and said “I love you” I got not response. I’d say it again and hear back “I heard you the first time.” When I finally got home she showed very little affection. I continued to work on my sobriety, and she started to go to Al-anon. Seven months later she filed for divorce. The divorce date is scheduled for this Monday. When I first came home I was going to meetings and individual counseling. I tried to get here to go to couples counseling with me, she went, but it seemed the whole focus was still on what I was doing wrong, even though I was working making myself better and going to meetings. She stopped going to Al-anon about the time she filed for divorce. I pleaded with her to go back to couples counseling with me and she did. All the while she’s telling me I need to “step up to the plate” and figure out how to have a “normal relationship” with her. When I’d ask her what she meant by those thing she’d tell me that I should know.
I had my suspicions, but it’s been confirmed that she’s been seeing someone else, recently divorced. We used to hang out with this other couple socially. This guy drank like me and did a lot more drugs than me. In fact when I got out of rehab, he was one of my potential prospects for some 12th step work. The guy is no prize, before he moved out of our neighborhood, he managed to alienated everyone here. I haven’t spoken to anyone who is sad to see him gone. Apparently my wife has been involved with this guy for over a year and a half.
What would cause a mother of 2 with a husband in solid recovery want to give up on Al anon and wind up with another active alcoholic? I know that my disease made me say and do insane things, but I never hit my wife, never cheated on her, always provided for her. I even designed and built a 4000 sq. ft home for us the last 2 years of my drinking. When I got home from the rehab, I was doing the food shopping, cooking, house cleaning, and the laundry. All she did was complain that I didn’t do enough. The guy she's involved with now never did any of that stuff when married. Wasn’t the emotional pain I put her through all those years enough for her to want to avoid another active alcoholic at all costs? Can someone go to Al anon for a year and get absolutely nothing from the program? I’ll take ownership for the damage and destruction I caused to our relationship the years I was drinking. I can't figure this out. She stuck with me all those years till I got sober. I know I’m not the same person I was and am no longer capable of the horrible things she put up with over the years. Is she still that sick from my disease?
You asked if someone could go to alanon for a year and not get anything out of it------- My question is can someone go to AA without getting anything out of it? You only get what you put into it.
When my "A" went into treatment a few years ago, he was told that his picker was broken, and I know mine is. I joke around at work that if I am even remotely attracted to anyone, he has to be an alcoholic/addict. It is true, if there is an addiction there I can pick them.
I know for me when my "A" started to get into recovery, I got scared. I am not sure why. I didn't like him using, but it was the norm, I was used to it. And in my own sickness, him getting clean and sober meant I would lose some control. And also in my own sickness I would sabotoge his recovery.
I am not sure if that helped. But if I think of more to say I will post more!
Much Love,
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
I have been through about the same thing, only in reverse. My ex wife is the alcoholic. I was the guy who did everything for her, many of the same things you describe. She got into recovery about 2 years ago, and after a year, left, then divorced me. I had been going to alanon for about 7 months when she left.
I couldnt figure it out either. What is she nuts? I am an extremely nice, wonderful man who gave her every kind of support I knew how. Raised her two sons, my step-sons, so she could keep her career, and on to infinite! And I put up with her drinking to boot!!!
I should probably be qualified for Sainthood, and yet She left ME!!!!
I'll share something I have learned in Al-anon. It wasnt about me not being able to please her. It was not about me not being what she wanted me to be. It just was what she chose to do. And I can go on forever trying to figure out where I went wrong, or what more I could have possibly done to hold on to her, but it will change nothing and only perpetuate my pain.
We can't control other people. They are gonna do what they are gonna do. They just don't seem to want to do what we want them to. Go figure!
And remember what you said about doing all those horrible things back when you were drinking? Sometimes there is just too much damage. I think thats what happened to me and my ex. We are both so different now that we are both in recovery. But there is just too much stuff from the past still hanging between us. And, for us both to get well, we needed to be apart.
I have also come to believe that my HP has a plan for the two us. And that if I can open my heart to Him, and trust Him, I will get over all this and more fully become the person He needs me to be.
None of this would have happened had she not gotten sober. We would probably still be married. Me living only for her. Her slowly killing herself with drink and lifestyle. Both of us so unhappy.
Hang in there Uncle, and remember let go and let god.
I have been told over and over again that we on this side of the fence are often sicker than the alcoholic in our lives and I have come to believe this. As for me I deffinately was way sicker than my alcoholic husband but thanks to me and alanon I am much better and sainer.
A friend of mine refers to her adiction as being addicted to the alcoholic.
I can tell you that there are many times that I think that when or if my husband finds recovery that it will be to late and I will be past the point of no return. After so much torment and verbal abuse I look at him in a much different way and it is no longer with a longing and the"IN LOVE" way. I am in no way saying that I don't love him but it is not the same.
I wish you the best and I think that it is great that you found recovery.
I think I can understand how your wife feels. My husband too provides for me, never hits me or cheats on me, and also has done "some insane things".
Since my husband is still a raging alcoholic, I do MUCH more than my share of the work around here. I do 100% care for our daughter, help with homework, caring for her when sick, taking her to doctor, he does none of this. I do ALL housework inside of the house, all he does is cut the grass. Since he is losing his marbles I also have to do traditional "Dad's jobs" which I don't like at all. He has decided to remodel our bathroom to put in a higher sink since he is so tall, and now that he is doing that, get a new tub and toilet too...all he knew how to do was go to Lowes and point at what he thought looked good and then write out the check. It is up to me to arrange the delivery, prepare a space for it, coordinate installation, check measurements, decide how everything will fit,...etc. while also doing all housework cooking, etc....
Even though you built a house for your family, I doubt you did your 50% share of family responsibilites if you were that much of a drunk all of these years.
I know I am SO resentful and angry at my husband for dumping so much of his respnsibility on me so he can drink and do his own thing that if he EVER got sober I would be sorely tempted to check out on him and SHOW him how it feels to do it all.
I think that you need to stop taking your wife's inventory, trying to judge why she went to alanon and how "sick" she may still be and blaming HER for your divorce.
Be grateful that she stuck with you all those years while you selfishly did as you pleased...while she had to pick up the slack for you and take care of the kids. She obviously tried to wait until you were sober to serve you with divorce paperps, not kick you when you were down and give them to you while in the depths of your disease. That shows she must care a lot for you in a way tha really counts.
Everyone has their limit and your wife has clearly reached hers. As David said, sometimes there is just too much damage done.
I am sorry that she has been cheating on you, that is definately not good, and no way that can be justified, but that is how some people cope with being second fiddle to alcohol in their marriages. You are going to have to accept the fact that forgiveness is a GIFT not a right. Wives are not robots that can be turned on and off. You can't turn a wife "off" when you want to get drunk so she can't see it and get mad and hurt. Those feelings stay with her...and do damage to her heart.
She obviously does not see that new guy the way you do, she is not going to judge him by the same standards as she judges YOU. You are her husband, the one who made a vow to her, he is just an "affair" even if she thinks they are in love, it just is not the same. YOU let her down everytime you drank rather than be with her, while this guy probably tries to cut down on drinking when he sees her.
Don't think I am unsympathetic to your plight. It would be wonderful if your wife could have held on a little longer and enjoyed your recovery with you. But as an adult you have to come to terms with the fact that you are reaping what you sowed. You made your bed and now you have to lie in it.
STOP blaming your wife, trying to find out what is "wrong" with her, trying to judge just how much she got out of alanon, stop trying to judge her motives ofr going to alanon...it has NOTHING to do with your divorce. Alanon teaches that everyone has the right to leave or stay, it is up to them. Your wife can be doing a perfect alanon program and STILL chose to divorce you. Are you sure you are working YOUR program? It seems to me that a whole lot of blaming, judging, and finger pointing is going on here...not exactly 12 step approved behavior. You sound like my husband here..."everything" is my fault, it can never be that he is just reaping what he sowed or suffering the consequnces of his actions...NO...it is because I am "messed up" when I lose any interest in him...yeah...right...
Your wife is a human being, and all human beings have a limit to how much suffering they can endure and still retain their sense of humanity without becoming bitter. Your wife has just reached her limit.
I say that she has shows a lot of class and decency to stick with you while in the depths of your illness, so, now that you have found recovery, stop blaming her for having reached her limit for YOUR addiction problem.
I think that you need to focus on YOUR program and realizing that people don't wait around always until YOU are ready for recovery. Your wife could not wait anymore and went on with life, trying to find some happiness. Although I don't agree with her choices, having an affiar and getting a divorce, I also think it is unfair to judge her harshly like SHE is the sick one...just for getting out after she had had enough.
You know what? I think your wife is really angry right now and that affiar is helping her to distract herself from the pain. If this guy is as creepy as you say he is she will soon see that.
If I were you I would consider whether or not YOU could forgive her and take her back when she discovers that this guy is a creep.
If you really love your wife, then put up with her problems now, like she put up with yours, and be willing to suck up all of your pain and take her back IF she comes back to you, which she may.
Make sure you let her know the door is open if she wants to come back, if that guy does not work out. Be nice to her during the divorce, be kind and considerat and compassionate. Your wife is probably hurting a great deal and needs you to be compassionate and not judgemental.
I hope you are not offended. You asked for some understanding and I am just giving you my opinion.
Since you have two kids yet your wife may consider coming back to you once her anger settles down or she realizes that her new guy is a creep. As long as you don't make her feel like a heel, or make her eat humble pie to come back...
I REALLY hope for your children's sake that your wife does come back to you...and I hope you work on forgiving HER like you wish she forgave you now.
...I pleaded with her to go back to couples counseling with me and she did. All the while she’s telling me I need to “step up to the plate” and figure out how to have a “normal relationship” with her. When I’d ask her what she meant by those thing she’d tell me that I should know.... What would cause a mother of 2 with a husband in solid recovery want to give up on Al anon and wind up with another active alcoholic? .... Wasn’t the emotional pain I put her through all those years enough for her to want to avoid another active alcoholic at all costs? Can someone go to Al anon for a year and get absolutely nothing from the program? .... Is she still that sick from my disease?
So sorry for your pain UncleLou. Addressing your last question there, no she isn't still that sick from your disease...she IS still that sick from HER disease. As you know and someone else mentioned, we only get out of the program what we put into it. It works if you work it, it don't if you don't. I've seen people in the program for 5+ years still stuck on step one. Longevity in program doesn't always equal recovery time. If we don't take a look at our own part, our own illness, then we tend to end up repeating our same mistakes. Many get out of one alcoholic relationship and jump right into another. We have denial too. When I first came to Al-Anon it really pissed me off that people told me I was sick, after all I wasn't the one with "the problem", that was my alcoholic hubby not me. HA! Thank God I stuck around and listened and got out of my own denial and started focusing on me and working the steps. I also began to learn how to communicate with my husband. He's not a darn mind reader (who is?), so how would he know what I need or want from our relationship if I don't tell him? I really don't care for the blame game on either side. We're all human. We all make mistakes. We all have responsibility for our own actions. Sure, it is easy to blame all the bad stuff on others, but how realistic is that? I try to see the good in my husband these days, and accept his faults, as I know I have faults of my own. It's been a long road getting there, but I think I can now see my own part and I feel healthier for it. I know I can't control him any more than he can control me. I've learned to try and just treat others as I'd want to be treated. Out of my hands how they respond to that, the main thing is for me to just be that way, to keep my side of the street clean, to try and be loving and kind. Sometimes I get back what I put out, sometimes not. That's life. It's all in my own attitude, my own thinking. Thank god for this program thats taught me so much!
Best wishes to you, Kis
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
Not only is alcoholism a disease, but so is codependency and how WE (people who don't drink, but instead feel like we need to care for everyone to feel something inside of us) choose to respond to our situations in a healthy way. We ALL experience angry, pain, hurt and so many more emotions--- it isn't the emotions that are unhealthy, but rather the way that we choose to deal with them. As an alcoholic, someone who is codependent and NOT IN RECOVERY, will blame the people who hurt them because they CHOOSE to live as victims or perhaps not choose, but have no other way of coping with their pain. :(
Absolutely do not take this personal, as it will only be a blow to your recovery. We are all responsible for ourselves and IF your wife has chosen to walk away and blame you for what she is feeling, yet is now involved in another alcoholic relationship, then apparently the lesson that God had intended for her to learn was not learned. Therefore, she will be presented with another situation and several more situations UNTIL she sees the light and recognizes what it is that she needs to work on within herself.
That is what life is all about-- learning lessons and most important trusting God completely to help us through.
Congratulations on your recovery and although you are probably in pain over this split in your relationship, you should look at your sobriety as a HUGE sense of accomplishment. Perhaps this is a lesson for you as well-- to learn how to be sober despite painful circumstances. :) Hang in there and give it ALL to God in prayer. I promise He will NEVER disappoint you. All the peace within is yours if you just ask and persist. :)
Someone has pointed out to me privately how harsh my post sounded.
If I have hurt you in anyway, I am sorry, that was not my intention.
You said you wanted to try to understand how your wife felt. Since I am in a similar situation to where your wife was before your recovery (still quite angry and resentful), I thought that telling you my view would help you to understand your wife a little better. Not saying that this level of anger and resentment is good or healthy, just explaining that sometimes it is there and why and how some people handle it.
It was in no way an attempt to justify what your wife is doing. Adultery is a very wrong and unhealthy manner of dealing with pain and anger caused by a mates addiction. I was only trying to point out that many people do unhealthy things like this...and why. I have a close friend who reacted this same way to her husband's addiction. I most certainly did not approve, and actually cut off the freindship since I was so sickened by her actions, but she did try to expalin her reasoning, so I thought I would share it so maybe you could understand your wife's feelings better. It was by NO means an effort to condone your wife's behavior.
I can only imagine how painful this is for you, and I am sorry I neglected to mention this in my post. It must be horrible to be so sorry, and so ready to make amends and realize it is too late.
I only hope that you don't let this derail your efforts at recovery, and don't let it discourage you.
I too am a recovering A of almost 4 years. I went into rehab because my life was not unmanagable but UNBEARABLE. Within my first week & 1/2, my active A hubby sent me a letter telling my that he had been seeing someone else. I was devasted even though I had been suspicious for a long time. It still HURTS. I hated him. How could he tell me this when i am in treatment and trying to better myself????????? And then at the end of the letter, he had the NERVE to ask me to explain things to our daughter. Huh, I'll fix you, I thought. I gave her the letter to read. I think she hated him as much as I did. Did he hate me that much to try derail me & my recovery?? The list of questions was very long. And the pain was deep & immense.
I continued my recovery in spite of him ! Our 14 year old daughter & I started again. It was her & I against the world. It was tough & I felt very alone. We bearly talked unless necessary.
After about 1 year, I felt & thought, He did me such a HUGH favour. In hindsight - I seft this was "THE" best thing he had ever done for me. It gave me a chance to focus on me for once & I took the gift. I was still unsure as to all the why's. I talked to many recovering A's and saw many of them seperating with spoces that were in Alanon and not in.
When we quit drinking, using, etc., we become differant people. Better people. Our real selves. Our partners sometimes have trouble dealing with the new us. I talked to many also that said they didn't like the person sober. That I believe is a contol thing. They had been in charge so often, so long, that they just could not give up the control back to someone who had hurt them so much and so often. The trust was gone and probably for good reason.
I am sure of one thing though - we recovering A's need to keep working on us - no matter what happens. We in Alanon must also do the same. We are fortunate to have 2 programs that are there for us to take what we need. For that I am grateful.
Someone said the other day that they had prayed to their HP for things to work out. Their partner left. It worked out alright - just not the way they had it planned. We can not predict or control the future - thats God's job (Yesterday, Today & Tomorrow). Things don't always work they way we want them to and at times it is hard to understand. They also work in God's time - not our time. We may never know the reasons things work out differantly but we do know that God has plans for us and that we must trust in Him that He knows what he is doing.
A friend said to me one day " God didn't bring me this far to let me down or give up on me."
That speaks volumns to me and I try to remember it often when I feel down.
Last Sept. my hubby came over and wanted to know if we could get back together. I was shocked to say the least. We talked for a few months and my main issue was HIS drinking. He said he would cut way down, be more attentive to my needs, etc.etc.etc. I believe him and wanted so bad for things to work out. We bought another house in Apr this year. Things were going great - for awhile. Then right back to where we were 4 years ago... WHY?????? I beat myself up for a long time that I believed his crap & lies. So much pain & hurt again.
One day - I felt like my HP touch me & said listen. I have plans for you and this is part of it being back with him. Be patient & you will learn. I have come to realize that I have abtained many blessings since then. I have acsess to counciling for depression & anxiety that I never had in our small town. I was on waiting list for 3 years.. I have a home and a hubby to provide for me so that I can work on myself & do councelling as much as I need.
MOST IMPOSTANTLY - I found Alanon. It has change my life, my attitude, my depression and my anxiouty - all for the better......My self esteem is going up, I care about me and want me to get better for me. All thanks to my HP who led me here. He has put me where I need to be at this time in my life. I don't know if we will remain together or not....Who knows, maybe by bring us back together is GOds way of helping him quit drinking.....
Life is unsure but God has taught me patience, that His plan is far better than any of mine could have been and he is constantly showing me His Love.
Unclelou sounds like your ex-wife likes to be the victim. Some people just put themselves in situations that make others feels sorry for them and if you are in recovery and her life should be going "peachy" then nobody will "feel sorry for her" anymore. Unless she is an alcoholic too and then she doesnt want you to get help because she doesnt want to drink alone. None the less, congrats on your soberiety and keep at it. Everything happens for a reason and maybe this is better for you in the long run.
I am an extremely nice, wonderful man who gave her every kind of support I knew how. Raised her two sons, my step-sons, so she could keep her career, and on to infinite! And I put up with her drinking to boot!!! 
