The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It is so difficult for me, to think of myself. Once I even bein to try... (big sigh) I feel selfish.
Guilt wrecks my mind - and I always 'prided' myself on not being *effected* by guilt. Alas, it is not true - I have 'allowed' guilt to work me for many years.
(Naturally) I had the program 19 years ago and I have been lost to codependence.
A generation lost.
So what does time even mean to me? obviously nothing, time is not the point.
I aplogized to my step-dad (A) today, cuz I did open up to him - But how can he possibly even fathom to understand how I feel? I know (alas) he cannot.
I am lost to him, as much ( & more than) he is lost to himself. He sd, it "helped" to hear me speak. I know logically, it's impossible.
I believe & think he is dry -- not surrenderring - yes that's taking inventory - but I'm so beyond the steps, since I have used them & no one listened to me. My dear mother sd that, & it hurt deeply, cuz it is an *old wound healed* the program works, it works, god moves in us all.
I love
(myself a little more today) I choose to be open to hearing god more, certainly he/she/IT never stops talking to me!
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
The word "selfish" has apparently over the years taken on meanings that were never originally intended. "Self-ish" should mean "self-like" or being like ones' self. That it has come to mean overly involved with one's self to the exclusion of others is an unfortunate sign of the times in which we live.
Being "self-ish" is as essential as the well being of the self. Let us reclaim that word. It is a good and useful word. We healthy humans realize that it is essential to be self-ish in order to ever be self-less. You cannot nurture others unless you yourself are nurtured and who better to do that than you yourself?
Give it a try: be self-ish and like your self. When you like your self and are comfortable with your self, it makes liking everyone else easier and more possible .
I used to think that keeping the focus on myself meant I had to be selfish. I have come to realize that there is nothing selfish about it. by keeping the focus on myself, I am taking responsiblity for my thoughts and my actions, not the alcoholic's thoughts or actions. I am making sure that I am in a healthy place with my higher power and the people i am in relationship with. I am not thinking only of myself to the exclusion or detriment of others, but, rather, I am focusing on how I am being just and honest in all of my relationships.
For me, this is much healthier behavior than obsessing about the alcoholic and staying stuck in the insanity.
I think being selfish is taking a stand as to who you are. Listen to that voice inside that says, "This isn't right"--or "It isn't right for you."
Instead of listening to that voice, I would submit to my A's actions because I thought I was being selfish. I didn't feel like I had a right to recognize that "voice." I soon lost sight of that voice inside of me.
I am soooooo happy now that I have detached and reclaimed that "self" and have become selfish.
It certainly wasn't a problem for my A. He is in the bar every night doing what he wants to do.
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