The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today is my first year aniversary. Eleven years together though. So here I am on my pitty pot feeling sorry for myself as he did not even have the decincy (sp?) to whish me a happy aniversary. Of course I am angry and hurt. I just thought that no matter how little his attempts are to make a special day secial that he could do this one thing. It seems as the years go on that he belittles ever ocasion more and more. Should I have expected any thing else??? NO as I have come to learn that this cunning disease is progressive so is their behavior and attitude progressive. It is as though through the disease his intentions become more harmful and hurtful. It is hard to let go of things such as intentional hurt. He might have just took a dagger and shoved it through my heart. This is the pain that my AH causes me. My efforts with my program to better myself have worked some what as I have had more moments of serenity and I don't act the crazy person I was. I know expectations lead to premeditated disapointment. I depend on the unexpected. So here I am doing the 12 step tango once again because I unintentionally let myself get hurt because of one day that was to me special and in one moment that day has become one of such great pain one which will probably cause me pain for the rest of my life. All because of respect, I held in my heart the vows I spoke and in his he holds nothing no respect for any thing.
He did this with our aniversary of being a couple what would make marrage any different??? Nothing really if the person doesn't hold it as a special thing. I in time let that day go and didn't let it upset me and possibly in time I can do it again. Time can heal all wounds.
Today I am going to feel the hurt and anger and let it be real. It is ok to feel but to remember to feel it, hate this disease, let it go and let tomorrow be a new day one that for me will be great because I will make it great.
This disease is so selfish, I myself strugle with the fact that I can not control how he behaves and acts. I sometimes feel resentment that I have to remind him of special occasions and dates. If they meant something to him, why doesn't he remember? I think the hardest thing for me to accept in regards to alcoholism is the fact that I am not first in my "A's" life. Mind altering substances in any form will always come before me. When my "A" is in active addiction I am not even on the top ten of his list. He has moments of clarity, when I really have the man that I love back, and in these moments I see that it is not him causing the pain, it is the evilness of a disease that has its hold on him.
My "A" has had times of recovery. And even then I am not first with him. His HP is first, then his recovery and then me. This is what I hold on to. because the man that I love, not the active addict, really does love me and cherishes me. When I am really hurt by him and wonder why I put up with him, I reflect on to the times when he shows me his true feelings. This man is so capable of a love like I have never known, but that love is usually shadowed by self-hatred and pain that I can not imagine.
Happy Aniversary JJ, remember we love you!
Much Love,
__________________
"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
I went this so many many times w/ my ex hubby , especially on my birthday ... in fact as eh got progressivley more cruel he would make an actual issue out of first ignoring it and THEN being mean to me
i found it really hard ... i ended up making up my own private birthday rituals ...and followed them alone for yrs ..would get something special to eat , go to a favorite spot .. buy myself a rose or 2 and sometimes a small ( and one year NOT so small ..hehe ...gify )
So ...I did all that self care , which helped quite a bit , but it was still painful
now I just let myself celebrate myself ...don't quite know what else *to * do
