Hi Julie Lynn,

I just wanted to give you a big (((((((((((((HUG)))))))))).  I know where your coming from.  I'm thinking about leaving my A too.  He  is sober but still very selfish.  My mind goes back and forth all the time.  I have no real good answers to your questions.  But give it time they will come.  Come to meeting keep posting and things will become more clear to you.

I wish you all the best in your recovery

NIKKILOU

Hello Julie - we are always second guessing ourselves  gets to be a way of life. Well for me big dicissions like the one u made always has a motive behind it and if I was trying to teach him a lesson or to prove apoint  I am usually the one who learns the lesson.  Your husbands drinking has nothing to do with not loving you , he is letting alcohol run his life at the  moment and there isnothing u can do about that.  You are not the reason he drinks and you proabably won't be the reason he quits. This is not your problem to fix it's his so leave it with him.

Your asking about his denial , here we deal with our denial and for most it runs deep,you don't say if your attending Al-Anon meetings for yourself if not I would encourage u to go , it will give u a l ittle more understanding of what your dealing with  and how it is truly affecting your life. When u live with alcoholism our thinking becomes a little distorted  and we need to get our lives back on track and you can do that while continuing to live with the A or not.

Al-Anon will show u how.  So I hope u find a meeting soon it truly will change your life ;good luck  Louise

Hi Julielyn,

I am new here as well and know what you are going through.  I was finally successful at getting my husband to leave about 5 weeks ago and although I am lonely my life is much better.  We have a baby and I am so grateful for my daughter - she is 10 months.  I got back with him too many times already and feel like I have wasted alot of my life already.

He's not staying too far from me - but obviously far enough that he hasn't seen his daughter in 5 weeks. 

My next steps need to be to file for that divorce but it so so hard to do - I need to find the strength to put this relationship behind me forever. 

Hang in there.

I read your post and all the responses. It is so sad that the A's are loved so much,
but their disease is almost impossible for us to live with.

My first thought was, as I read, we did not leave our loved ones, we left the
horrible disease controlling them. I find it easier to think of it that way.

The disease makes them want their drug of choice more than their own children, more than
their spouses, parents etc. So we know it must be horribly powerful. Our feelings
for our children are so strong, the strongest thing we will ever feel, yet the A can
walk away from them.

There is no rationalizing any of what they do or don't do. Their brains are not
working normally at all. Even if they are sober, they are still driven by the disease.

A program of recovery is like a map for them. They refer to it, pray to hp to be able to follow it,
it is an individual plan that helps them to be as normal as they can. We naturally may
be honest, it is not natural for most of them, we choose not to use profanity and not lose
control of our anger, they need a program on how to direct their anger appropriately.

So many things that a program of recovery covers. They are not going to make it
without one.

The way some of us feel about our A's is an addiction. Love apparently stimulates
the same part of the brain as addiction/drugs. So of course we miss them, long for them
and wonder if we did the right thing.

Of course we have this wild fantasy, well maybe next time we talk he will have been
going to AA and have a job and a plan to get me back. To be honest, I have never
heard of that happening.

Usually when they are in recovery, sobriety is number one. Meetings, program etc
are number one.

I don't believe A's love the way a non addict does. Not saying they don't love, it just
is not as bonding or based on much want. It may satisfy a need sometimes, but they want
what their addiction wants them too.

So I agree, we, though we would rather work on the "us", have to look inside and
give to ourselves what we need/ want. It is very hard to change so much. We planned to be married or together forever. Here we are alone again. Where did that come from???

It took me years to realize I was ok just as me. I don't want to buy him socks anymore
or think about buying the food he likes. It killed me at first. There are so many losses
when we leave the A.

No extra toothbrush, no adult voice besides ours, no one else in the house or in the yard.

I always ask where is my Mr. Bumble. I loved how we were growing older together and
would be fixing the barn or putting up a new pig house. I loved it when I would say
it is your turn to cook. He never made anything but spegetti, but it was the best.

We will be ok, we will grow, think positive, see the sky, appreciate the full moon. Most
A's don't see that after awhile. They pile pain over pain over pain, layers and layers
of bs until they feel nothing anymore.

Be as strong as you can. Try to get to where it does not matter whether he loves
you or not. I am at that point now. I said to him well when I had to face that you
did not love me anymore.... and he just said, well gotta go. It was like he did not
even hear me.

And I see him sitting across from me, in our little house all decorated with candles and flowers
and The Mummers Dance playing , saying our own written vows, him scared to
death with tears running down his face.......

I had his love for a little while, I know it. Now I keep it inside, so I can cherish it for
a life time.

hugs to you all, debilyn