The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have a few question. Everyone says wait six months before you make any big changes. Well my six months are up. I'm very confused. My A is sober now just got his six month chip. I though once he got sober everthing would be just fine. Well things are sooooooooo much better but their is something thats missing. The emotional side of a relationship. the romance. The hugs and kisses. Everything. I feel like we life in the same house with the same goals to raise our kids. But that is it. I think I want more than that. I want to snuggle on the couch and wacth TV together. I want to go for walks. I WANT MORE. He say right now its all about him getting Sober. Well I'm not getting any younger. Do I give it another six months. Or do I cut my loss and try to find someone else. I know this might offend some people. I did take vows sickness and in health. To death do we part. But Why can I not be happy. In al-anon we say to take care of ourselfs first. Should I not be happy to. I will not cheat on him. I will only find someone new if we get a divorce.
Have you told your husbang just how strongly you feel about the lack of affection? Has he always been affectionate up until this point? Have you told him that you are thinking about divorce?
I can not give you any advice. But if you need to chat/vent, I am here.
Much Love,
__________________
"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
I have been in Al-anon a little over a year and a half and I can tell you I am confused everyday about wheither my a should stay or go. Somedays seem clearer than others. Several readings and members in this program have suggested the following over the year.
"If I am confused it may be possible it is not time to act. And that I need to do more work on myself. I have been told that my hp will let me know when it is the right time to act."
One of my biggest problems is effectively relaying my needs to my a and not demanding what I want or need.
Maybe I can give you some perspective from the other side of the mess. I just celebrated my 2 year anniversary in sobriety. I think I’m doing pretty good with my program based on a few things; the compulsion to drink has been gone, I no longer suffer from depression and no longer need anti depressents, and I am gaining some self esteem for the first time in my life. All of this happening while going through a divorce.
When I left rehab I truly wanted nothing more (aside from sobriety) than to repair the damage I did to our marriage. I also realized that the major changes I had to make in myself do not happen overnight and patience is required. I couldn’t force myself to give my wife something I didn’t have in me AT THE TIME.
I guess my soon to be ex felt the same way as you. SHE WANTED MORE. Maybe you need to re examine your expectations. The first year of sobriety, I had to face and deal with all the emotional mess I had buried with booze for 20 years. This was the hardest thing I ever had to do. Without going into too much detail, let me put it this way. Say you had a painful, festering infection buried deep inside you, and you dealt with the pain with pain killers. The pain killers did nothing to cure it or prevent it from getting worse, but they ‘helped ‘ you ignore or postpone the pain. Getting sober is like opening up that painful, festering wound without using anything to ease the pain. You realize you need to get in there, pick it apart piece by piece, examine it, see it for what it is, and clean it out. Sometimes, even though your feeling better because your getting better, the pain is so numbing and the feelings are so confusing you literally have nothing left for anyone else AT THE TIME. If you clean out the infection properly, and do what you need to do to keep it from coming back, that all changes.
Everyone is different, most of us A’s suffer from other emotional problems along with the Alcoholism. I realize now I suffered from feelings of inadequacy and depression since childhood. The alcohol buried all that. I had a successful professional career, designed and built my own house, and had a family with 2 beautiful kids during all this. Everything on the surface looked great. Inside I was a mess. I went to my son’s junior high back-to -school night last fall and got in the car to go home in tears. Completely unexpected. More crap that re-surfaced that night about that time period in my life. My wife can not or does not want to understand any of this. It’s almost like she poked and poured salt on that wound while it was open for cleaning.
I also had a problem showing physical affection and romance in early sobriety. I know I had damaged our sexual relationship through my drinking. My wife (wrongly) accused me of only wanting her for sex. I guess while active, I didn’t realize that’s how it came across to her. In an effort to show her that’s not the only thing I wanted, I purposely backed off to make her feel more comfortable. Maybe that was a big mistake. It doesn’t matter now. She filed for divorce during my first year of sobriety, (it’s scheduled for this Monday.) I had my suspicions, but I found out she’s been involved with another guy for at least a year and a half, maybe longer. I used to party with the guy and his wife (he‘s recently divorced), and I don’t like to call anyone else an alcoholic, but he drank like me and used a lot more drugs than me. My wife tried Al anon for a while (she said for me) but I guess the message she was hearing there was conflicting with her desire to have an affair with another active alcoholic. She’s taking some Al anon advice and taking care of herself first. Too bad it’s at the expense of our kids and our marriage.
Please try to look at your part of the mess and clean up your part in it before you give up.
Early on in our marriage, my husband was a lot more verbal. I am VERY verbal, we discussed a whole lot of things.
I learned that men are more "action" oriented than "verbal" oriented. In other words I get a lot further with my husband with actions than I do with words.
Why do you need HIM to initiate everything? When I want to be affectionate with my husband I just DO it, and he readily responds. I used to tell him that it bothered me that he never initiated it, he said it was because he "just did not think about it" but when I come around with that in mind he likes it.
What would happen if you saw him sitting on the couch and YOU just came over and, without saying a word, just cuddled with him? YOU took his hand while walking somewhere? YOU just came over and gave him a hug or a kiss out of the blue when walking by him? I do all of these thigns to my husband, and he readily responds, although he would never do it himself.
Just be careful since most men interpret any signs of affection from their wife as a signal that they want sex, LOL, my husband still does not get it that sex does NOT always=affection for women, SIGH!
I used to think my husband was an insensitive clod as whenever I tried to snuggle with him for affection he always wanted to turn that into sex. He says that for men, that is how they think...wife/close by/ wanting to be near me/SEX!!! He told me to always tell him when I JUST want affection, so their are no mixed signals for him. For instance, if I have a headache and just want comfort affection I will tell him as I sit with him "I don't feel good and just wanted to cuddle for now". If I don't mind it turning into sex, I just come and cuddle with him without saying anything.
My husband is MUCH more affectionate now then when we married, some of my has worn off on him, LOL. He is a very handsome man with huge muscles and I can barely keep my hands off of him, even after 12 years, LOL. He was brought up in a family that shows NO affection, so he was very ackward with it at first, but has now gotten used to it.
He used to tense up and stiffen up when I used to hug him, now he is more relaxed and can respond more comfortably.
Most people respond well to affection, when they feel it is sincere.
Just be patient, and teach him how to be affectionate by being affectionate to HIM!
When I first told my husband I wanted him to be more affectionate, he immediately thought that meant I wanted more sex, LOL, he says most men think that way. They barely understand that term. I think you may have to "teach" him what affection means by showing it to him, whether he reciprocates or not.
Just my two cents...
Isabela
P.S. (disclamier) These are just generalities based on anecdotal evidence, your experience may be different.
I have gone through similar feeling like you. Where is the love? The affection? the caring? Well a wise old timer just said to me "maybe and just maybe that is all he can do right now." He is new to recovery and just staying clean and sober is enough of a job at six months the brain is barely coming out of its haze. Be patient and supportive that is all you can do for now. As for your happiness you are responsible for it. Your happiness does not come from another person.
