The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
After a year of living together and what I thought was almost a year sober, my A is now in inpatient treatment. Turns out he relapsed around 3 months ago and had been hiding it and lying, all along being emotionally abusive and totally shutting me out. He started drinking the week my cousin (who was my best friend) died of drug addiction, and the stress in the home for both of us was unbelievable. I didn't know he had been drinking until this past Wed morning, the day after I finally broke and asked him to move out due to his frighteningly irrational behaviour.
The lies are what get to me. He is so good at telling people what they want to hear. He swore he wasn't drinking, very defensive and angry. I had to hear it from a family member of his the next day, and it still took an hour of confrontation to admit the whole story to me (if I even know it all now). He's not malicious about it, he just has no idea how to deal with conflict and is afraid to confront anything or anyone, then he drinks because he has no idea how to cope with his overwhelm.
It's still very early on and we're both in shock and finding our way, but I feel like it's started out heading in the wrong direction. After only 3 days of treatment and a ton of discussions (and couples group last night), I confronted him this morning because since he's been there all I've heard are the parroted stepford-husband "everything's fine, it will be better this time, I am doing great, everyone in here's great, I promise I will make it up to you, I'm just ashamed that I hurt you". But it's not fine right now! This has been the week from hell for both of us, topping off months of hell! Even a zombie would be having a nervous breakdown!
He must be overwhelmed, sad, upset, stressed out, angry. I am so frustrated because he can't seem to see that he doesn't have to bottle up his own stress and pain to try and protect me or not burden me - that's what got us into this mess in the first place. I don't get why he doesn't understand that if he could talk about his feelings and what he's going through, he'd be relieving his burdens and learning skills to cope. And we'd grow together as a couple. I hope he's trying to talk openly in group and 1 on 1. Almost everyone else in couples last night opened up more than he did.
I told him I don't want us to fall back into the pattern of me pretending all is well so as not to make him shut me out more, and him pretending it's fine so as not to add to my stress.
He finally told me that because we're so shaky and have been through so much, he's afraid I'll leave him or not allow him to come home after treatment if he doesn't fall back on saying the "right thing". I reassured him that we are strong, I will be here no matter what, he IS coming home, and that I love him most when he trusts me enough to show his pain and fears. Finally he broke down and cried. It was a sliver of hope in the midst of this wall he puts up between us.
I'm heartbroken over what we've become. I've dropped almost 7 pounds in 5 days and am barely eating or sleeping. I KNOW he loves me, in fact it's hard not to take it personally that he loves me most and shuts me out the most out of everyone. His sis in law, whom he hates half the time, was the one he finally told instead of me. That hurts. I love him dearly, and with a lot of work we can go through this recovery process together and build a life with ongoing support and help... but I don't know how to deal if the one thing that would help us is the one thing he has the most trouble doing (opening up and being honest).
Is this common? I am having a very hard time between the 2 extremes of dealing with my own feelings of pain, mistrust, betrayal and fear... and my concern and love and support for him and desire to do what I can that will help him the most at this fragile time. My biggest emotion right now is that I am just flat out terrified which feels so unbearable minute to minute.
This is very long, thank you for listening if you're still reading.
I am going to take a nap but will be back to respond.
But wanted to invite you to relax. Take deep breaths, breath out the pain, drop your heavy elbows and relax your mouth. Open and close it slowly.
Think about surrender, about what it means. Then apply it. Surrender to a power higher than you. for me I cry and talk to my hp all the time. I am no longer anxious and losing wieght. It is a horrible way to loe it too.
If yu can clear your mind, breath, watch a good movie, take naps, play with your pet if you have one.
Stop thinking about him, rehab any of it. stop say stop and think about you. What are your dreams your goals. HOw can you change your life for the better. YOu do have a life too uno.
If he goes to AA and you go to alanon you guys will do wonderful.
What you are going through is very common, to answer your question. If you have been reading the posts here, you will see that all of us have been through a lot of what you are going through right now. It is very painful and frightening and mindblowing, what alcolholism does to a relationship.
Have you been to any AlAnon meetings in your area. These meetings teach us how to deal with the effects on a family or relationship. They help you to understand the nature of the beast, so to speak. It is so worth it for yourself to take care of yourself and focus on getting yourself out of the insanity, so you can find some serenity.
I am so glad you posted, we are all here for you, in supportive ways.
I am so glad I read your post. I am new I just started going to meetings and I am still wondering if I belong here. My A has been sober for 5 1/2 years and attends meetings. Yet, his behavoir at times is unacceptable. He also has a hard time connecting emotionally and talking to me. He does say that his heart is in a box and he doesn't know how to open it. He tries really hard to be affectionate and stuff. It's a daily struggle..He also lies and tries to protect me from his wrong doings.....
I know now from your post that my A is not doing so well..maybe he never has been...he has alot of emotional problems he needs help with. he stoped seeking professional help, which really made me mad. I know now that I am powerless and that it is the disease trying to win him over. I can only take care of myself.
Since I have started going to Al-Anon meetings I feel like I am not alone...I talked to no one about my A or my relationship..I was even scared to read these posts..now I welcome them ..as al-anon has welcomed me...I love my A with all my heart but I have to love myself more.
Thank you so much for your support. I'm still barely coping. There are issues as to how long he'll be in rehab, it seems like it's more decided on what his insurance will cover rather than what he really needs. This leads to instability for him and for the family in not knowing what's going on and not knowing what to expect. He's still doing very well, as well as can be expected, and seems committed.
His insurance only pays for 10 days. He feels that will be enough, with going to IOP afterwards. I'm scared to have him home because there are no guarantees and it's a lot of responsibility. I kind of got into it with his mom tonight. She told me "I know you don't want him to stay longer than 10 days" and I was like WHAT?! Not true, I only want what's best for him and I want him to have a say in what that is, along with his counselors. How the heck should I know. She got off the phone all mad and I feel doubly burdened, and like if something goes wrong it will be my fault somehow for not making her understand that I have my own concerns about this. I haven't had one stable or confident moment about him coming home. My only feelings right now are fear and overwhelm, and I'm trying to do the right thing step by step. I can't stand feeling like his mom and I are at odds when I feel like we want the same thing, and I hate the thought that she might be thinking I'm encouraging him to not want to stay longer (on the contrary I've been very cautious with him).
I can certainly relate. Know that you are not alone. My A just went through 3 weeks of treatment and I heard it all as well. I am equally as conflicted as you are between wanting to be supportive and wanting to support myself.. Unfortunately the only thing I have to offer you right now is the peace in knowing you are not alone, going insane or any of that. Someone else gets it and I know for myself that is what I need to know because it can sometimes be so very lonely.
