The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well today was the second day after the addict relapsed and he's been doing what he should but in his efforts to get honest with himself and the world he is unloading his story to me. Anyway the whole story that he gave me in my previous post "Reality of Relapse " is all pure unadulterated bull.
No he did not go to the cemetery, not sure if he had the car fixed and no he was not drinking. He went to his dealer, and spent the entire day getting high.
Well that would be bad enough, but then he goes on to tell me how he has been using since 9/11 (three weeks before his one year anniversary). And how he sat at the dais. God I hate this disease. The war story continues on about all the meetings he was "supposed" to go to and was out filling his brain with more crap. How he was supposed to be doing an intervention with one of the guys from his group and was out plastered. How he was supposed to be at the mall shopping for a 25 th anniversary present and was out getting stoned.
His life has been a lie for at least 10 months !!!
Mission control to Mr. X , where has your brain been? Is it so far up your ass you don't know your stoned? Are there any brain cells left working?
When he made amends to me he said "you'll see by my actions". Well eat those words your amends mean nothing to me your word is worthless and totally unbelievable. One more time the trust has been shattered. But this time there is an evilness to it to. Totally deceitful with both me and everyone else.
He thought he could control it ... Yeah right .
I could accept a slip, but a 10 month slip? I have no clue as to what he has been telling me over these months is even remotely true.
My acceptance has really been shaken by this revelation. How wonderful an actor he has been, how devious and cunning. Yeah I know the story it's the disease, but how in God's name do you sit up on a dais and accept a sobriety chip and know your not clean ? If he fessed up at that point it would have only been a short run. How do you dare to sponsor another person and put their life in jeopardy? How am I supposed to believe anything that comes out his mouth? Like the stuff about his hooker dealer tramp? And how it is only about copping his dope. Yeah right ... in a motel room? It really is amazing how a lie begets a lie. And how they compound and become twisted to the point that they become reality for the liar. The only one I believe right now is God.
God if your out there I need you tonight. I really have to be doing some heavy praying on this one.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((lidee)))))))))))))))))))))))))))) Sweetie I know relapse and lies all to well God is listening and so are we stay strong love as I also try to do Prayers are sent from me to you! love ya cloud
HI, I sure have felt the pain and anger you are feeling. And you are right, right now you need to feel it. it does not matter if it is the disease or not, you are hurt.
Of course you are. As far as acceptance, for me that means I love him unconditionally and i don't judge anything he says or does. Nothing he says or does surprises me anymore. I accept him as is, a liar, a drunk, a heroin addict, a loser, someone who sells it all for drugs, has no license...on and on.
Of course he lies, he is an active addict on no program of sobriety at all. He has no path of recovery ,he has no goals, no morals to guide him.
This is what makes it so hard to live with them unless you truly separate yourself from his disease and not really care if they use or lie or whatever, becuz it hurts them not you. Sad eh?
My A says he will call, he will come see me, blah blah blah. He doesn't . It does not upset me or surprise me at all. When he oded and had to be zapped back, I felt nothing but upset that no one called me. It was no surprise to me.
They live for disorder and chaos. For some sick reason we start taking it as the norm.
Well it isn't, does not have to be.
I am very lactose intolerant. But I crave dairy sometimes. I know if I eat it I will get very sick. Once put me in the hospital from dehydration and migraine.
If I choose to do it, I don't want anyone else to say anything to me. I made the choice, I will suffer the consequences. I tell ya, I do not eat it at all. I have Ibs too and belie it is a deadly combo.
Have i lied about it? Of course. i was embarressed to admit I had done it to myself.
But I got to a point I knew it was real, it could kill me and I better not even think about it.
The A has it a thousand times worse.
Anyway for me part of the take care of yourself thing is not to even give him a second thought as far as his choices, his lies, his illness. HE is a big boy and can take care of himself or not. i do my best to look at him as maybe Jesus would, as a child, a sick child. I just love that child in him. I don't enable, I don't judge.
I just love him. That means I am polite to him, not mean, I don't cuss at him or blame.
Believe me there is a lot to be mad at him about. Why bother its his nature.
Like my darn big farm pig dissasebled my steps to the den yet again..rrr I go to step out or
the dogs are running to go out and oops no steps... boooby trappppp.
I don't get mad, I go out and put them back. Estersue is only doing the natural thing, looking under and behind them for snackies... it is a pigs nature to look under things.
Here are my thoughts; out of site out of mind, you are not the priority, always an afterthought, not important to him on and on.These are truisms for me.
My A cannot talk with out lieing. Sometimes I just don't really listen, he will repeat it in an hour or so anyway.....
the think about anger is ya get all hyped up and anxious. YOur bod then makes too much adrenaline that ends up in your tummy and ya then get sick. no fun.
I for one am not allowing this gross evil disease make me sick if I can help it.
I really loved the 2 examples Debilyn gave you...the lactose intolerance and the PIG moving the step to look for snackies. Pigs do that. Put the step back and get on with life.
It reminded me of the snake story. The snake sunning itself on a rock asked the lady to take him in the hosue. She said..NO...you will bit me if i pick you up. The snake promised he woudl not bite her. So she picked him up and took him in the house and he bit her. She asked why he promised not to bite and then did it anyway..and he said..you KNEW i was a snake when you brought me inside.
Buiing is what snakes do. Diggin in teh dirt is what pigs do. drinking and using is what addicts do. Lying is a big part of it.
Feel, deal and heal. You are in the feel and deal stage right now. Soon you can begin to HEAL. it will jsut depend on how quickly you are able to DEAL that the healing will begin.
I wrote my response to another post in regard to how to not let an A go drive when he/she has been drinking and after reading your post, I decided to copy it here for a response to you also. You mentioned a hooker who is a dealer--- Just one thing to say about the ENTIRE post. You're playing with your life if he is lying and involved with hookers. This is NO LONGER about him, but you. Here's the post....
Coming from a parent of a teenager who is adamant about her choice to live with her alcoholic father whom I along with counselors, doctors of various specialties and school staff members say is going to be detrimental to her emotional, psychological and physical health I would say LET HIM GO and then just pray. :)
The consequence of his action is EXACTLY that-- His consequence, God controlled, not our control. I made a choice to let my daughter go to her father who tells her she doesn't need her seizure medication, encourages her behavior to hate me and all the doctors that have stabilized her over the past 5 years, is encouraging her to avoid counselors or ANY other type of support for herself, including Alateen-- Instead, she has chosen to experiment on drinking and perhaps it will progress. I spent $20,000 this past 45 days for her to be involved in an extensive, awesome state-of-the-art treatment facility, yet she chose the entire time to stay focused on her Dad, instead of her recovery. She got out of the facility, came home to me and the next evening the police were here. The next evening after that we were in a counseling session and even the counselor said, you are going to have to let her go, as much as she didn't want to say that either. My daughter has recently been diagnosed with Bi-Polar now with no increase in her medication for the seizures, which could help that condition as well now-- She refused. Also, she has had suicidal ideation in the past due to her fathers neglect and lack of involvement in her life or previous medical/mental health care. If ANYONE should try to hold onto someone it should be me-- she is my daughter and for a long time my responsibility. However, there comes a point that even a child MUST be held accountable for their actions and ultimately we have to let go and allow our children to discover their relationship with God. Learn their own lessons, whatever it may be that God wants them to learn.
My daughter has been gone for a week now and each day I just pray that God protects her, guides her and most of all keeps her safe. He knows my heart and my pain.... AND, that is what is MOST important. We are NOT responsible for the foolish choices that others make---- Let them go as difficult as it may be.
I totally understand the pain of all the lies. It is very hard for me to understand that my a has a disease and the lies are part of that, but that is what I must do. Accept and believe it, for what it is worth.
I don't have to understand why he does the things he does. My responsibility is to heal and grow into the person I want to be and let him live his life his own way.
You and your girls are in my prayers.Take care of yourself
Now its back to putting up the boundaries that we once had with a few minor adjustments. When I had these boundaries in place he did good, moaned and bitched about them but remained clean. So he gained my trust and I let my guard down and began to trust again. What's the old saying slap me once and shame on you, slap me twice and and shame on me. Trust is really gonna have to be earned above and beyond the call of duty. No more ATM cards for this character, no credit cards for a long time, no house keys, phone check- ins when leaving work as this was a big problem area. Not that I could stop him but I sure as heck don't have to make it easy for him. And in addition to working his program he must see a therapist for all the issues/problems whatever that are not handled in the program. No I am not a control freak nor do I intend to work his program or do his therapy sessions but his 10 month lie is big time stuff. He has damaged a lot of people on this binge more so than ever before. But that is his axe to grind. He thought amends were tough the first time (lol) wait until he sees how many more people he has damaged with this run. God, family, friends, sponsor, sponcee, members of his fellowship and most of all himself. Back to square one.
As for me I am doing fine. HP is with me and I am calm and serene. Annoyed but I am dealing with it. Just like you would deal with a pesky misquito same thing here you deal with it. Feel it, deal with it, and heal it.
