I am really struggling with having any hope for them.

I cannot go there, for hoping for them, is a slip for me. I cannot think about them at all - I have done this for 20 years, I MUST  think of myself.

Having hope for myself is a foreign & a new concept.  I am trying to grasp that I am worthy, once again (& again) I am at the beginning of it all for me.  I suppose feeling suicidal for so long, my mind is very very sick.  But I don't hate myself today, I guess honestly I haven't hated myself since I tried to OD in March, I am slowly getting stronger. 

I have to forgive myself still, but it feels like I am just over the hump of resenting myself.  I am surrendering to the process, I know I am powerless that is evident, of course I want to be saved from myself. Surely my hugest character defect is the reckless abandon of myself.

I truly need to make a list of my character strengths & Blessings.  I focus on my weaknesses too much.  Today I need to validate & recognize what is wonderful about me.  Today I do have a tiny glimmer of hope for me!

Thanks for allowing me to share, I'm grateful for the courage to share, I am noticing miracles in me & I am grateful to be a witness to the truth.  Growth hurts so much - like my mother always said, "you choose, will it be pain of growth or pain of decay"  she is a wise woman.