The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
AM: Today started out running – like all systems go. When there’s lots to do, I do better.
p.m.: The afternoon session with the therapist left much to be desired. Andrew & I had been given “homework” assignments. This consisted of a relationship worksheet wherein each party is to first describe feelings that are produced by troubling behaviors and end with requests for new behaviors that might resolve the uncomfortable emotions.
I filled mine out; Andrew filled out about half of his. When we sat in session to discuss each of our worksheets, I read mine out across the line as requested. My focus was on my emotions that are and were evoked by his behaviors. When asked to comment on what I wrote, Andrew basically agreed with and understood what I wrote.
When it was Andrew’s turn to read his out feelings, desires, and problematic behaviors, and to discuss it, he read what he had written. His focus was on his behaviors that needed to be changed. When asked to comment on what Andrew wrote, I answered what I it evoked in meL1) where am I in this exercise, and (2) it sounded like what he wrote was simply parroting back what he had heard others say or (3) the therapist suggested maybe he was trying to impress or please me. She said this as though I should be pleased that he was trying to please me.
Later in the session when I told her that I have set a zero (0) tolerance level for drinking alcohol and that I have required him to work 30 hours a week toward what are supposed to be our goals, she said that that I am unreasonable demands since he has a full time job.
Looks like he's got her in his pocket, too. How convenient for him. Well spoken, beautiful manners, everybody loves him -- and now even the marriage counsellor is defending him, and -- when he struggles to find the right word -- she even offers up that, thus putting words into his mouth.
It was at that juncture that I pulled out a paper that Andrew wrote wherein he claimed that he spent from 5:00PM until 2:00AM practically every day out drinking. That’s nine hours a day. I told him I’d give him 4 hours a day after 5:00PM, based on the assumption that even while drinking he could still be getting work done when out with clients. But he was spending 9 hours a day engaging in drinking, smoking, gambling, whoremongering, paying for lap dances, and engaging in love affairs with co-workers. So I require that the other 5 five per day be devoted to our supposed goals, which basically consist of doing real estate work.
How I ask is that being unreasonable? Especially coupled with the attitude that Andrew has posited for at least a dozen years that he could do his work, my work and Kris’ work with one arm tied behind his back?
She said I am being unreasonable that I will not tolerate a single slip of drinking on his part. He says he would have never engaged in any of those other behaviors without the alcohol. I have put up with the drinking for years, on and off the wagon. I have put up with the loneliness. I have put up with his never reaching out a helping hand in kindness or friendship to me in literally years. I have put up with no intimacy, no camaraderie, no happiness for years. I am no intention of putting up with ANY of that any more.
The A’s have all the power: they go out and drink and use the alcohol to rationalize away every despicable behavior in which they engage while drinking. When they decide to go straight or sober, there is a clear path for them. And now it appears that they even alleged “marriage counselors” are finding ways to coerce their spouses to permit them to “slip” every so often.
Well, this is one spouse that is not falling into that trap. I absolutely refuse to allow to him or her to make me into a victim. She can call me unreasonable, rigid, inflexible, unrealistic, impossible all she wants. It’s not just the A’s that get to carve a life out for themselves -- we sober partners do, too.
Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice shame on me. No thanks, I’ve been there, done that, and wasn’t interested in buying the bloody t-shirt.
This time is my way or the highway. I have a right to live a higher and better life without the constant worry about him driving drunk and killing himself or some unfortunate innocents who happened to cross his drunken weave of a path.
I will admit.... I do have certain expectations of my A hubby. As he has of me.
The one thing we have in common which I think matters the most, is that we encourage each other in our own individual efforts to better ourself. He is very supportive of my being in Al-Anon. I encourage him to speak to his AA friend or go to a meeting when he brings the subject up himself. But I don't control or have any power over whether he does this, just as he has no control or power over my recovery. If he starts in on taking my inventory, I will point out to him what he is doing, and he stops. When I catch myself "slipping" in my own program by starting to nag him about his program (or lack of one), I stop. Oh, yes, I did just use that word "slip". I slip. I do. I slip, I catch myself doing it, I own up to it....he and I have actually had a few laughs over it (that's another wonderful thing we have in common, our sense of humor, being able to laugh at ourselves).
This is such a gosh awful horrid disease. It affects us both. He usually doesn't have a problem calling BS on me when I'm trying to justify or place blame where it doesn't belong. I'm learning to call BS on him too (in a kind way). Just realized something talking about this...our respect for one another is growing as we use "program talk" with one another more and more. Sure has taken some time and a lot of work to get to where we are now though.
We've tried the marriage therapy a couple of times in the past. Didn't last long, I can't say much for those therapists. Just not the right ones. I know there are some good ones out there who don't put the words in your mouth for you (might as well just sit there and tell you what to do, huh?). I had a really good therapist years ago. She would simply ask questions that required me to Think! about how I really felt and thought. She'd keep asking questions until pretty soon...lo and behold, I had the answer to my own original question. She made me think with all these questions until I had figured it out myself. Her questions also helped me to look at the issue from all different angles.
It's good to question things!! It's good to talk things out with others and get different perspectives! Thanks for sharing and keep coming back!
Luv, Kis
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
"She said I am being unreasonable that I will not tolerate a single slip of drinking on his part."
Time after time from various members who post here, I hear the same thing; the therapist thinks the partner is being unreasonable for setting boundaries or expecting the A to stop drinking. I would have no respect or tolerance for any therapist who even attempted to shift the responsibility to me, and I read that again and again, so it must be true. Have you considered kicking this gal to the curb and finding someone who will give you at least a fair shake? I know therapy may have its place, but some of them aren't worth the powder to blow them....well, you know what I mean.
Hugs to ya, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Thank you all for taking the time to answer and validate my feelings on this. I am already looking for another therapist, not only for "couples counselling" but also just for me.
I really like the idea of kicking her to the curb. I would go for the gutter but it would just clog up our sewers.
